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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Children. Teachers. Parents.
These are but a few of the people who would be utterly horrified to find out I was going back to school this fall. Luckily, the nation’s schoolhouse halls and cafeterias and basement detention dungeons are once again safe. I have about as much chance of enrolling for classes as Cleatus Spuckler has of becoming a Harvard Law professor.
(That shit might fly at Brown. But not at Big H, brother.)
Still, ’tis the schooling season, so I decided to try out a few back-to-school supplies. Of course, I couldn’t very well post reviews of these products as an out-of-school over-the-hill ne’er-do-well — those kids, educators and parental types would frown on that kind of thing. It might even go on my permanent record.
So I followed the old saying: If you can’t beat ’em, imp ’em.
So matriculate yourself down the page for my some childrens’, parent’s and teacher’s reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ walls — of these back-to-school staples. And staplers, for that matter.
Let’s get right to the pop quiz, peeps:
You can’t (pretend to) be a real serious pupil unless you rock your own stapler. Personally, I’d go for the red model from Office Space. My alter ego, however, took a different route. Luckily, Swingline knows how to fashionably accessorize their fashion accessories:
Speaking of “alter egos”, there’s more than one way for a student to get in touch with his feminine side. Most of those ways involve keg parties, cross-dressing hazing rituals or confusing but persuasive psychology lectures.
Or so I’m told.
But now there’s yet another way — thanks to your writing utensil-us full of ink-us:
Of course, school supplies don’t do you any good if you’ve got no way to schlep them to the schoolhouse. Your kid will only go as far in life as a good backpack will take him.
Or in some cases, a good backpack and fourteen dozen Big Macs:
Finally, we know it’s hard to educate our youth. They don’t listen. They’ve got the interwebs and the X-Cubes and Dora the Exhorter telling them what to do. It’s almost impossible to get a lesson to stick.
Especially when it’s close to lunch time:
Maybe it’s better I’m not heading back to class. Kids these days have enough problems, without me sullying their stash of school supplies. Better they should get an education on their own.
Besides, those little ankle-nippers would probably try to steal my paste. And I’m telling you — with a little gravy and a baked potato, this stuff is delicious. Here endeth the lesson.
Last week, Zolton “pledged” to annoy AlphaHydrox, Gamma2, Delta and Nestle. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
We owe a lot to the Greeks. As a nation and a culture, the Greeks have provided the very basis for our current Western civilization. After all, what would modern life be without democracy and philosophy and Telly Savalas and salads with crumbly cheese and statues of naked people with uncovered wangs?
Not the same, I tell you. Not the same at all.
But did the Greeks stop there? Oh, no. By Zeus’ static-clinging pubes, they did not. They gave us an entire alphabet, so that we could communicate with each other. Presumably to talk about how nice Athens is this time of year, or how bland tasteless yogurt is better for some reason.
Of course, we don’t use the Greek alphabet any more. We gave most of the letters to rowdy fraternity kids, who probably use them to pry lids off of beer bottles when there’s no opener handy. The rest, we left to the math and physics teachers — the better to punish those hungover frat boys for their bacchanalian blowouts.
Still, there are a few companies who still go “old sigma-kappa-omega-omega-lambda” and use the letters of the ancients. This being Greek Week on Zug, I decided to pay them a visit. Read on for the results and my actual Facebook posts on these Hellenophiles’ FB walls. Which are no doubt adorned with Ionic columns, and connected via aqueducts.
Because that’s Greek stuff. Yeah. You see what I did there.
Naturally, I started with alpha. I was looking for a good cleanse, but had to settle for some old cream filling:
Undeterred, I set off in search of clarification about my dog’s diet. Evidently, the Greek crowd have forgotten about semantics — which they probably freaking invented, too:
Moving along through the Greekabet, I asked whether Delta (Delta Delta!) could find a way to help mah help mah help mah! Their response was as dry as their damnable spigot:
I’ve been told that the end of all things is the Omega. But no! I stumbled onto something called the Omega Plus! Only, I don’t seem to qualify, because I’m not currently wandering around Southeast Asia:
Nestle OmegaPlus
So were these Greek-lettered companies as helpful as their ancient inspirations? Hardly. Going Greek doesn’t get you as far as it used to, I guess. Maybe they’re all busy taking their economy — which they invented — and flushing it down the toilet. Which they also invented, probably.
Pull it together, Greekers. Seriously, people. Omega. Mu. Gamma.
Last week, Zolton snuggled up next to Pillsbury, TempurPedic, Downy and Cottonelle. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Life is hard.
Sometimes you need a break from the madness. You want life, if only for a little while, to be easier. Calmer. Softer.
My own quest to steal a few scant minutes of comforting softness has taken me around the globe — to the foothills of the Andes to shear virgin alpacas. To the Canadian arctic to pluck shivering baby geese. To the cavernous decorative throw pillow factories of mainland China.
(Also, to the alleyway down the street right between the Curves and the big Dunkin Donuts shop. We probably shouldn’t talk about that one.)
The point is, I’m always on the lookout to make life a little softer. So this week, I’ve tried out a few products with not-so-hard reputations. As usual, it didn’t go quite as smoothly — or as softly — as I’d planned.
Read on for the reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the product companies’ pages. It’s guaranteed to get you soft all over.
(Well, mostly all over. I know you’re still a little excited about ‘virgin alpacas’. Sicko.)
One of my fondest childhood memories is of my grandmother’s soft, pillowy biscuits.
(Also, the old gal baked from time to time, apparently. Bazinga!)
So I went right to the source of Gram’s baking secrets and asked, “Y my biscuits no turn out like Grandma used to make?“:
Naturally, they ignored the possible child abuse — and corporate mascot torture — to tell me that my family is just doing it wrong. And has been for years. What, Pillsbury, have you been talking to my therapist? Hoo hoo!
There’s no better ‘soft’ than the kind that gives you a good night’s sleep. But unlike Goldilocks, my bed wasn’t quite juuuuust right, exactly. So I did everything but dump porridge on it:
I decided I’d settle for soft clothes, instead. After all, what’s closer to your skin than your wardrobe?
(Hold onto that question; we’ll circle back there in a minute.)
Unfortunately, these fabric softener bottles don’t come with detailed instructions. At least, not the kind a guy like me can understand:
So what’s “closer than your clothes”? How about your terlet wipe? If ever there was a last bastion of softness, the rump rag is it. And it just so happens one butt-rubbing company is advocating a double dose of derriere-dabbing.
That is to say, Cottonelle is suggesting we wipe with their toilet paper, then mop up again with one of their flushable wipes. They even have a contest to name the procedure, with the winners receiving a years’ supply of the aforementioned ass-essories.
Obviously, I couldn’t resist:
So did I find the elusive softness I set out for? No. All I got was a wet bed, sticky clothes, four hundred dollars worth of TP and a mess that resembles some sort of kinky explosive biscuit bukkake.
I’m telling you — it’s the virgin alpaca weekend all over again. Gah!
Last week, Zolton made millions (of enemies) by marching on Cheetos, Burt’s Bees, Nissan and MiracleGro. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
There’s nothing I like more than a good bandwagon.
Oh sure, blazing your own trail is fine. Setting trends, writing history, standing head and shoulders above the madding throngs, blah blah blah. It’s also really hard. Much better to fall in line, go along with the crowd and get with the program. I’m talking about thinking inside the box.
On the other hand, you don’t want everyone and their bug-eyed stepsister in your way, either. So the bandwagon shouldn’t be too big. It’s a very fine line. Being a sheep is actually a lot harder than it looks.
So this week, I set out to sheep it up on just the right kinds of Facebook walls. These are companies who recently managed to attract one million likes to their pages — popular, but not too popular. The perfect fit. Just call me Goldisheep.
Of course, when we got down to the products, things didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped. Read on for the reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ walls. These guys may have a million fans — but there’s only ONE Zolton. Baaaaa!
I didn’t want to start on an empty stomach, so I started out with a light snack. At first, I was sad that I had no one to share it with — but then “Papa Chester” went and got all Zen on me:
So he sees me when I’m sleeping, and knows when I’m awake. Does he know when I snort Cheeto dust like a cheddar-lovin’ crackhead?
That left me feeling a little ‘chapped’, naturally, so I reached out for some soothing relief. And while I haven’t heard from the company directly yet, I did stir up a real hornets’ nest with a waspish bee-cologically friendly fan:
Bee-thinks bee haven’t bee-n the last of Bee-na McBee-niel. Also? BEE!
I needed a break, so I decided to take a nice relaxing drive. Then I remembered that’s not the sort of thing I do, and took an innocent hatchback out behind the woodshed instead:
Maybe I should’ve tried a Subaru Forester. Or the Hyundai Lewisandclarkmobile.
Dejected, I dragged myself home and tried to make the world a better, greener place. But evidently I got gypped. Or I’m not wearing the right kind of magical underpants:
So maybe being a sheep isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I guess jumping onto the bandwagon’s no good, if you crash it, rub it down with bees and get Cheeto dust all over the seats. I’m pretty sure I’m why the rest of you can’t have nice things. Baaaaaa!
Last week, Zolton went WILD!! with the likes of BlueRhino, John Deere, SoBe and Build-a-Bear Workshop. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
If you’ve ever watched the Lion King or sat through a whole Sarah McLachlan commercial, you know how sad animals can get. And in today’s modern world, the critters have all sorts of problems — loss of habitat, hunters and poachers, pollution, fur traders, Ribwich restaurants, and so on. The last thing our delicate fauna friends need is to be co-opted into shilling useless products, chained up and paraded around as sullen corporate mascots.
And yet.
From the Aflac wing-clipped duck to Tony the very-probably-endangered Tiger, there are ad animals quacking and roaring and inexplicably speaking in effeminate Australian accents practically everywhere you turn. Well, I’ve decided enough is enough, and I’m pushing back on companies employing some of the more exotic of Nature’s creatures.
(Well, not all the exotic creatures. GoDaddy has perfectly lovely commercials. I’ve got no beef with their kitty cats. Mreow!)
Read on for my animalistic objections — and the actual Facebook posts on real companies’ walls. I aim to succeed where the World Wildlife Fund and Greenpeace have failed. Or at least to get a new lawnmower out of the deal. Or maybe a teddy bear. Have a look.
I started with a company with a product much like its mascot: tough on the outside, explosive on the inside, and always dangerous, prone to leaking and horny. Come to think of it, their product’s more like Ron Jeremy after a five-alarm burrito. That’s probably not important right now.
What is important is that their fuel isn’t actually made of rhino. Or Ron Jeremy. Because that would be bad:
Note that the BlueRhino folks managed to respond in less than ten minutes. I appreciated that, personally. Ron Jeremy is probably embarrassed for them.
Next, it was time for a bit of lawn care. So I went right to the leader in grass-oppressing technology. Sadly, their performance left something to be desired:
This was some pretty thirsty work, so I looked for a beverage to cool off with. Only, I wanted one free of scaly skink scat:
I retreated home, beaten and grizzly. Feeling bi-polar, I reached out to my yogi. But he didn’t answer — so I decided I’d rather just keep everyone away:
As usual, nothing went quite to plan. But I learned something about my propane, got the grass mowed (slooooowly), and I’ve got a new plush purple pal to play with. Maybe I’ll use him to wipe the iguana goo off those SoBe bottles. The little squirt’s got to be good for something, right?
Last week, Zolton nailed his Amanar and stormed the medal stand with 5-Hour Energy, Lipton Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Pepsi Next and Coke Zero. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
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