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More Grammar, Charlie-Style

One of the posts I had the most fun writing — and one I often use in my standup act — was written two years ago this month. It listed helpful ways to remember grammar lessons (and spelling rules, as was pointed out by a commenter).

“Am I out there, spelling words like ‘heinous‘ and ‘deceived‘ and ‘sex fiend‘ seventeen times a day?”

I’ve decided it’s time to revisit the idea, and to add a few more lessons to the primer. First, a bit of background to catch you up:

I realized a while back that, after years of English and grammar classes in grade school, high school, and college, I could only recall one lesson on the subject. It’s the rule of:

‘I’ before ‘e’

Except after ‘c’,

Or when sounding like ‘a’,

As in ‘neighbor’ and ‘weigh’.

And it made me wonder — why do I remember that, and nothing else? Am I out there, spelling words like ‘heinous‘ and ‘deceived‘ and ‘sex fiend‘ seventeen times a day? No. Of course not.

I mean, I haven’t written a personal ad in years. So that can’t be it.

I decided it was because it rhymes. I’ve heard that it’s easier for people to remember shit that rhymes. And that’s when it hit me — why not learn all our grammar lessons that way, so we’ll remember them all? Simple!

So, I tested the theory. I came up with mnemonics like:

‘There’s no room for ‘of’

In ‘I could of been rich.’

The correct word is have,

You ignorant bitch.‘

See? I could remember that, I think. So I kept working, and produced more like:

‘Don’t use ‘their’ with an ‘i’

When you mean ‘they are’, or ‘there’.

If you keep that shit up,

I’ll dip your nethers in Nair.‘

Small words, clear message — you could teach that to a four-year-old. I’m just trying to give back, here.

And now, two years later, I’m ready to give more. So here are a few more ditties to help you learn ‘Grammar, Charlie-Style‘:

‘A lot‘s not one word,

Unless there are things being alloted.

Keep using alot to mean ‘many’

And you’ll end up garroted.‘

Nice talk. Let’s try another:

‘If you don’t know that excepted

Means ‘left out’ or ‘not included’;

It will be widely accepted

That your dumb ass is deluded.‘

Now we’re rolling. Play it again:

‘You should say, ‘I’m not well‘

Instead of, ‘I don’t feel good‘.

The medics might leave you to die,

If you’re misunderstood.‘

And one more for the road:

‘Many grammatical errors

May be excused or forgotten;

But I’ll bitchslap your punk ass

Next time you claim, ‘It has been broughten!’‘

Whoops, there’s the bell. Single-file out the door, kids. I’ll see you back here in another two years or so. Class dismissed!