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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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How I Feel About… Pirates

I don’t have categories for my blog posts. Partly, that’s just laziness on my part. And partly, it’s because all the cool kids have categories, and somebody’s got to teach them a lesson, dammit. I won’t be one of your sheep — DO YOU HEAR ME?

Mostly, though, it’s because just about everything I write would fall nicely under the ‘Drivelly Gibberish‘ category, so what’s the frigging point in the first place?


If I did have categories, I might eventually get around to making a second one called, ‘How I Feel About…. And if I had that category, the following would be the first post in it. Maybe there’ll be others. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through, like puberty, or March madness, or those three weeks last year I decided I liked olives.

Anyway, here it is. Now at last, you’ll finally know…

How I Feel About Pirates

Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other people. The only people that should get to steal booty from other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And get to say, ‘Arrrrr!‘ whenever I want.

Pirates are GOOD because when I do pretend I have a pet parrot, and I walk around saying, ‘Arrrrr!‘, people know I’m acting like a pirate. If pirates never existed, people might think I had a speech impediment, and some sort of weird kinky parrot fetish. That could be awkward.

Pirates are BAD because if you cross a pirate, you might get keelhauled. I don’t know whether I have a ‘keel’, or where exactly I might be keeping it, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want some filthy, one-eyed jackass with parrot poop on his shoulder hauling it around anywhere. Especially if having my ‘keel’ ‘hauled’ involves some kind of weird kinky parrot sex. I told you people, I’m not down with that.

Pirates are GOOD because most of them are missing some body part or other, which makes them cool and mysterious. Anybody with an eyepatch or a hook for a hand or a wooden leg or replacement whalebone-carved genitalia has a compelling life story to tell. Quite possibly in a high squeaky voice like a preteen girl, but still — what a story.

Pirates are BAD because I’m guessing that most of the pirate-related injuries stem from hand-hook mishaps. Once a shark or octopus or giant sea cucumber or something has bitten off your hand, you probably forget about the hook. And before you know it, you’re wearing a patch, carrying a cane, and whittling yourself a new winkie. It’s either that, or pirates run with scissors a lot more than I’d realized. A lot.

Pirates are GOOD because some pirates are baseball players — in Pittsburgh, where I used to live. Never mind that Pittsburgh is six hundred miles from the nearest ocean; apparently, these Pirates darken the waters of the Monongahela River, marauding the muddy shallows in search of… well, I don’t know, really. Coal barges? Dumped teamsters? Industrial runoff? Who can say? Whatever it is, it sure as hell seems to keep them away from winning baseball games, so it must be important.

Pirates are BAD because some pirates are ‘corporate raider’ pirates. And I’ll be damned if I’ll have some fat pasty douchebag taking over my office, making me ‘walk his plank’ and ‘swab his poop deck’. I don’t care how much money you paid for the company; you keep that whalebone wang away from me, or I’ll bury your treasure where the sun don’t shne, ‘matey’. ‘Arrrrr!

Pirates are GOOD because they always keep intricate, detailed maps to where they’ve buried their booty. Apparently, the practice is to draw the map, then immediately tear it into small pieces and hand them out, so other people can have a shot at digging up the gold. Personally, I’m not so much interested in the loot, but if I could get the piece that shows me how to get to the fricking outlet mall, that would be super.

But pirates are BAD because to get their maps and booty and such, you’ve got to battle them first. And for a bunch of one-eyed hook-fingered parrot-poking drunkards with weenie prostheses, they apparently put up a pretty good fight. I guess all that running around with scissors really pays off when it comes to swordfighting and swashbuckling and the like. So even though they could get you to the outlet mall, chances are, they won’t. You might as well ask Sanjeev at the SlushyMart for directions, as much trouble as it’s going to be.

So, pirates are BAD. But not that bad.

And that’s how I feel about pirates.

Permalink  |  15 Comments

15 Responses to “How I Feel About… Pirates”

  1. RRaccoon says:

    That was bootylicious. Not in the traditional sense, mind you.

  2. circe says:

    I kinda like pirates myself, but that was very well thought out. :)

  3. rent says:

    Pirates are nice people. Last time I visited a ship, they made walk on this board and let me take a nice relaxing dip in the ocean. They get a 10 for hospitality.

  4. Kimi says:

    I’m from around the Pittsburgh area too. Now you’ve got me wondering why ARE they the Pittsburgh Pirates and more importantly, why that never seemed odd to me. I should question authority more….those damn pirates!

  5. You know, I’m pretty certain that the sharp hook hands and the need for prosthetic genitalia are related.

    I mean, I’ve never seen any women on those pirate ships.

  6. Pirate Dan says:

    You are half right. Pirates are good all the way around. Way more fun than orthodontists.

  7. Glozza says:

    I say mate, have you not seen Pirates of The Carribean? There be pirates of female kind aboard their ghastly vessels. Arrr! btw.. mate is Australian occa… were we all once pirates? Who cares!

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