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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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Zolton’s Facebook Follies: The Soft-Knock Life

Zolton’s Facebook Follies: The Soft-Knock Life

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Life is hard.

Sometimes you need a break from the madness. You want life, if only for a little while, to be easier. Calmer. Softer.

My own quest to steal a few scant minutes of comforting softness has taken me around the globe — to the foothills of the Andes to shear virgin alpacas. To the Canadian arctic to pluck shivering baby geese. To the cavernous decorative throw pillow factories of mainland China.

(Also, to the alleyway down the street right between the Curves and the big Dunkin Donuts shop. We probably shouldn’t talk about that one.)

The point is, I’m always on the lookout to make life a little softer. So this week, I’ve tried out a few products with not-so-hard reputations. As usual, it didn’t go quite as smoothly — or as softly — as I’d planned.

Read on for the reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the product companies’ pages. It’s guaranteed to get you soft all over.

(Well, mostly all over. I know you’re still a little excited about ‘virgin alpacas’. Sicko.)

One of my fondest childhood memories is of my grandmother’s soft, pillowy biscuits.

(Also, the old gal baked from time to time, apparently. Bazinga!)

So I went right to the source of Gram’s baking secrets and asked, “Y my biscuits no turn out like Grandma used to make?“:


Naturally, they ignored the possible child abuse — and corporate mascot torture — to tell me that my family is just doing it wrong. And has been for years. What, Pillsbury, have you been talking to my therapist? Hoo hoo!

There’s no better ‘soft’ than the kind that gives you a good night’s sleep. But unlike Goldilocks, my bed wasn’t quite juuuuust right, exactly. So I did everything but dump porridge on it:


I decided I’d settle for soft clothes, instead. After all, what’s closer to your skin than your wardrobe?

(Hold onto that question; we’ll circle back there in a minute.)

Unfortunately, these fabric softener bottles don’t come with detailed instructions. At least, not the kind a guy like me can understand:


So what’s “closer than your clothes”? How about your terlet wipe? If ever there was a last bastion of softness, the rump rag is it. And it just so happens one butt-rubbing company is advocating a double dose of derriere-dabbing.

That is to say, Cottonelle is suggesting we wipe with their toilet paper, then mop up again with one of their flushable wipes. They even have a contest to name the procedure, with the winners receiving a years’ supply of the aforementioned ass-essories.

Obviously, I couldn’t resist:


So did I find the elusive softness I set out for? No. All I got was a wet bed, sticky clothes, four hundred dollars worth of TP and a mess that resembles some sort of kinky explosive biscuit bukkake.

I’m telling you — it’s the virgin alpaca weekend all over again. Gah!

Last week, Zolton made millions (of enemies) by marching on Cheetos, Burt’s Bees, Nissan and MiracleGro. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!

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