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If I Eight Your Five-Hole, Would You Six My Nine?

So, I’ve been thinking. Are the younger kids still doing that thing where the guy has to ask for explicit permission at every step of the making-out process?

(Yeah, apparently I’ve been ‘thinking’ for two or three years, since that’s when this phenomenon was last in the news. Hey, I never said I was the quickest draw in the corral, all right? And it’s the weekend, so you’re getting remnants today. Deal.)

Anyway, if you haven’t heard of this deal — or maybe, after all this time, you’d forgotten about it — here’s how it works: a young suitor can chat with his lass for as long as he likes. Now, I’m guessing he still can’t say things like, ‘So, you a stripper?‘ or ‘I’ll show you my love tube if you’ll show me yours.‘ Not if he’s playing strictly by the rules, anyway — generally speaking, he’s got to keep things squeaky cleanish.

Then, if the guy wants to push the envelope a little, relationship-wise, he’s got to ask. He might lean in close, look deep into her eyes, and say:

‘Pardon me, miss, but would it be terribly troubling if I placed my hand on your knee?‘

Or, if he’s already past that hurdle, maybe he’d ask:

‘So, Emma… how about if I give you just a little peck, right there just on the elbow?‘

And perhaps later in the evening:

“The safeword is ‘colostomy’.”

‘Okay, I’m going to strap this thing onto you now, and then I’ll bring in the hamsters. If you feel uncomfortable with any of this, you just tell me, and we’ll stop, okay? The safeword is ‘colostomy’.‘

Now, all of this is well and good — certainly, we can’t have horny guys grabbing and clawing their way into young ladies’ unmentionables. At least, not any more, apparently. Not like the good old grabby, clawy days. But it seems like all of these formal, specific questions could really get tiresome in a real-life situation. Assuming all the participants are willing, it’s not as easy to keep things ‘hot and heavy’, when you’re constantly forced to ask, ‘Is it okay if we get hot?‘ and ‘How’s about we get heavy?‘

(And come to think of it, I’ve got no information on whether it’s only the dude that has to do the asking. But that’s what I’m assuming. If the girl were on the hook to push things along, I think it’d go pretty quickly:

Her: Is it okay if I take off my shoes?

Him: Absolutely. And actually, let’s just assume that my answer is going to be ‘yes’, right up to ‘Can I make you something for breakfast, stud?‘

Presumptuous? Yes. But things would go so much more quickly.

And if it is just the guys asking, how does it work for gay couples? It’d take hours for two men to get anywhere. And lesbians could just go at it all willy-nilly, without saying a word. And… heeeey. Now I understand the guy-asking rule. Cool.)

All right. Where the hell was I? All that talk of willy-nilly lesbians threw me off for a minute. Gotta focus here.

So, here’s my idea — scrap the whole question thing. Forget about checking in about what every hand and tongue and latex-covered appliance is about to do. That’s too much detail. Instead, work out a scale of what’s going to be allowed, and work it out beforehand. We all know that girls have figured out how far they’re willing to go with a guy waaay before the situation arises. Usually before the first date — and sometimes, before she’s even met the guy.

So, fine. Let her call the shots. Have — I don’t know — a one-to-ten scale, with rules for each number. One is, maybe, an arm around the shoulder. Or five means anything above the waist. Ten gets you farm animals, or fresh produce, or whatever kinkified shit you can wrap your pervy mind around. Come up with as much detail, and as many rules as you want. I guarantee you every single guy between the ages of sixteen and sixty will have it memorized verbatim within twenty-four hours. And then, it becomes so simple:

Him: Hi, Sue. You ready to go to dinner?

Her: Sure, let’s go.

Him: So — you got a number in mind?

Her: Um… okay. How about a ‘four’?

Him: Nice. I can work with that. What if we go to the steakhouse instead of McDonalds?

Her: Oh. Well, okay, four-and-a-half. Plus a smack on the ass. Deal?

Him: Deal. Let’s eat!

I don’t know — it just seems easier, is all. And that’s what I’m all about, folks — coming up with ridiculous solutions for problems that nobody gives a damn about any more. Just another day in the life, people. You can thank me later — preferably, with about a ‘seven’. Yowza.