Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

Zolton's Facebook Follies: Confuse as Directed

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

I'm easily confused. This should be plainly clear to anyone who's ever met me, asked for directions or tried to teach me high school geometry.

(Sorry, Ms. Bilkerson; it was a losing battle. You might as well have been chalking out rhombuses for a potted begonia. "Rectilinear"? I barely even knew 'er.)

I thought I left my most mystified moments back in the classroom. But no. Even today, I find the simplest products can come with misleading marketing, disorienting directions and perplexing packaging. Nothing is what it seems to be, or works quite the way you'd want. It's like we bought the whole world from Ikea.

But when I have questions, I know Facebook has the answers. Read on to see me seek clarity -- with my actual Facebook posts -- from the makers of some of the most discombobulating products on the market. Here's hoping they grade on the curve.

All I wanted was a nice snack from the good folks at DiGiorno. But I procured my pizza in a somewhat... unconventional fashion. What were the implications? My pepperoni boggled:

I wouldn't say they addressed my question, exactly. But apparently I'm safe enough -- assuming I don't try cooking my pizza in the CERN supercollider.

You'd think cleaning your bathroom would be straightforward. Not if you're me. I have certain expectations of the Scrubbing Bubbles people:

I decided to settle down with a cool iced tea. Simple. Refreshing. Honest. Or... is it?:

All this discombobulation was making me sick. So I decided to feel better with a quick dose of NyQuil. But sick and tired as I was, was I sick and tired enough? "NyQuil Rose" wouldn't even bend me over to take my temperature:

So what did I learn from all this? Not a lot. I'm sick and hungry, I've sworn off tea, and my bathtub's full of soap scum and fail. Also, I still can't do math. I'm just glad old Ms. Bilkerson's not around to see this. She'd probably smack me with a parallelogram.

Last week, Zolton chug-a-lugged with V8, Odwalla, Trop50 and Silk. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Full Archive

Archive by Date

Archive by Category

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved