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Life — Don’t Talk to Me About Life

Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because ‘you never know what you’re going to get’.

These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a ‘slow’ movie character as their personal motto, anyway? Hey, I saw Forrest Gump. I saw Rain Man, too, but you don’t see me nodding sagely and proclaiming, ‘I’m an excellent driver. Excellent driver.‘ when things take a turn for the worse. You might as well quote Ace Ventura. Losers.

Others say that life is like a rose, delicate and beautiful but cursed with thorns.

These people should be wearing black sackcloth and flagellating themselves at an emo concert somewhere. Bunch of overdramatic, weepy, tearjerk jockeys, if you ask me. ‘Beautiful but thorny,’ they say, all misty-eyed. Boo hoo. In my book, ‘beautiful but thorny’ is a stripper wearing a cactus G-string. Or a cheerleader stuck in a briar patch. But ‘life’? No. Wax your poetics elsewhere, Emerson wanna-bes.

Then there are those who say life is like a river, or an ocean, or a lake.

Why? I don’t know — maybe because it’s wet, cold, and full of fish pee. You’d have to ask the treehugging yahoos who say this kind of thing. Sorry, the apparently bedwetting treehugging yahoos — because why else would they be so obsessed with aqueous analogizing? Answer me that, Poseidon pusher.

So what is life like? What’s it really like? Well, I have a few ideas on the matter. And they’ve got to be better than the pap most people spew, right? Don’t answer yet — let’s just see.

‘Life is like a stint in juvie.‘:

The first little while is scary, but soon you realize that you could be in far worse places, with a hairy roommate named Fangs and only a hole to poop in. And in the back of your mind, you know that’s where you’re probably headed eventually. Because you’re incorrigible.

‘Life is like sex with an Armenian hooker.‘:

It’s exciting and exotic, but you really don’t understand it as well as you think you do, which is probably going to cost you a lot of money along the way. It might also give you a nasty disease. Also, the longer it goes on, the more hair you discover in places where hair shouldn’t be.

‘Life is like a bowl of three-alarm chili.‘:

No matter how much spice you like, there’s just a little more than you can handle. Drinking plenty of water will help you get through more of it, but when it’s over, you’ll be sweating just as much as the rest of us. And remember: as much as it hurt coming in, it’ll be at least as painful going out the other end.

‘Life is like a trip past the Fun House mirrors.‘:

First, you’re very small. Then, you’re tall and skinny. Next, you’re fat and squishy. And at no time do you look anything remotely like the way you want to look. Also? There will probably be clowns nearby to laugh at you.

‘Life is like being Larry Flynt.‘:

Early on, there’s some sex and partying, but you can never really get enough. Then, some fundy psycho will shoot you or something, and you’ll need a wheelchair to get around. So you’ll still be a big horny perv, but nobody will really pay attention after a while. Oh, and in the movie version, Courtney Love will get naked a lot, and then drown in a bathtub. So that’ll be nice.

‘Life is like a trip to the dentist.‘:

It’s mostly scary, though it doesn’t last as long as you might think. If you’re good, it’s usually a bit shorter, but relatively painless. If you’re bad, you may end up getting drilled, or stuck with nasty needles. Either way, at the end, there’s nothing but a sucker and a bill to be paid. And insurance never seems to cover it.

‘Life is like milking your cat.‘:

Nobody else is going to do it quite the same way as you would — and some people probably would rather you didn’t do it at all. Which means that very few people will appreciate whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. On the other hand, if you work hard enough, you can make your own cheese. Scrumptious!

‘Life is like a stripper wearing a cactus G-string.‘:

It’s beautiful, but thorny. Also, the more money you have, the longer it’s likely to stick around. Not forever, but probably long enough to make your crotch tingle in three or four different ways — and not all of them good ways, either.

See? Better. I told you. Box of chocolates, indeed. Life is a rose — puh-lease. I’ll take my Armenian hooker and Larry Flynt life any day over that nonsense. So what’s your life like, then?