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Can I Buy a Damned Clue, Please?

aka ‘How the Wheel Turned On Me‘

(Wee Hours Update: Welcome to any and all of you nice folks coming from Electric Venom, as part of the ‘Shameless Link Whoring’ project. As a shameless link whore myself, I’d like to thank Kate for the offer to siphon off her hits for a day. Go check her out, folks! Woo!)

All right, folks. I’m trying something new today, so we’ll just have to see how it goes. This is the sort of high-concept complicated shit that you might expect out of this guy, but it’s never been attempted here before. I’m working without a net, people, so it could get messy. You might want to put on that complimentary poncho now, just in case.

Okay. The stage has been set, the disclaimers have been disclaimed, and your precious apparel and valuables are now protected by a thin sheet of cheap plastic. I think we can get started now.

So, a while back I was a contestant on the ‘Wheel of Fortune‘. Except I wasn’t. Not so far as you could tell, anyway. I went through the full day of taping, and did everything that contestants are supposed to do, but the network bastards cut me out of the show. It’s like I wasn’t even there. How rude.

But fear not, folks. Through a series of near-Herculean feats — many of them involving ether-soaked rags, exorbitant bribes, and/or Chilean belly dancers — I have managed to get my grubby little paws on the footage that was cut out of that show. You’ll never see it on television (and I can’t imagine why), but you can read the transcript of my game show experience below, right up to the point where they unceremoniously hustled me out the studio door. Frankly, I don’t see what all the fuss was about — it seems awfully arbitrary and unfair. I didn’t even get a copy of the home game. Lousy bastards.

Anyway, here are the clips I was able to find. Since they’re only the bits that featured me — and since you’re obviously not seeing the corresponding video feed — I’ll let you know important details like which letters were showing at the time and the category for the current word. Ready? Okay, here we go. Enjoy!

Unused video segments — Wheel of Fortune — Season Six, Episode Nine

Pat Sajak: That brings us to our next contestant, Charlie. Tell us a bit about yourself, Charlie.

Me: Sure, Pat. I came here from Boston. I’m a registered Mensa Mind Master and I work at Harvard University, where I… um, teach professors how to be smarter. And in my spare time, I perform complicated brain surgeries. I also play third base for the Red Sox.

Pat: Um… It, uh, says here that you’re unemployed. And our screening tests indicate you have the IQ of… let’s see… a hairball.

Me: A hairball?

Pat: That’s what it says, yes.

Me: Freshly coughed?

Pat: Well, it does say ‘soggy hairball’. So yes, I would assume so.

Me: I see.

Pat: Maybe you want to try your intro again?

Me: Okay.

Pat: All right, cut. Stop the film, and let’s take it from his intro.

Pat: So, that brings us to Charlie. What can you tell us about yourself?

Me: Well, Pat, let’s see. I’m from Boston. I… um, I’m ‘self-employed’ at the moment.

Pat: Okay…

Me: Not that I was fired from my last job, or anything. I, uh, left. Right, I left.

Pat: Um, all right, then. So let’s get started with —

Me: To travel the world.

Pat: What?

Me: I left to travel the world.

Pat: Oh. Okay, fine. Moving on —

Me: On my Nobel Prize money.

Pat: Oh, for the love of God. Look, you didn’t win a Nobel Prize, all right?

Me: Well… I know. But can’t I just say I did?

Pat: No!

Me: Why not?

Pat: Because it’s a lie! I’m not going to let you lie on my show!

Me: Oh, bullshit, Pat. You let these two yokels yank my chain with their made-up nonsense, trying to psyche me out. ‘Corporate lawyer’ and ‘cancer biologist’ — yeah, right.

Joe: But I am a corporate lawyer. I’m a partner, in fact, in the biggest firm in Manhattan.

Alice: Yes, and I’m a cancer researcher at the Mayo Clinic. It’s not a lie.

Me: Oh. Um… oh. No shit, huh? Well. That’s different, I guess.

Pat: Okay, then. Can we take this from the top? For real this time?

Me: Yeah, I guess. Damn.

Pat: Okay, from the intro. Take three!

Pat: So our last contestant today is Charlie. Anything you’d like to say, Charlie?

Me: Yeah.

Pat: Okay, go right ahead. Tell us about yourself.

Me: Yeah.

Pat: All right… go ahead.

Me: Yeah. Definitely.

Pat: Look, let’s just move —

Me: I’m an excellent driver. Definitely an excellent driver.

Pat: Oh, for the love of… forget it. We’ll just splice some shit together later. Cut!

Round 1: Joe and Alice have had a turn, but they’re of precious little help. Couple of asshat boobs, if you ask me.

Category: Movie title

-ONE W— –E W-N-

Pat: Okay, Charlie, your spin.

Me: Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle.

Pat: You, um, you don’t have any money yet. Why don’t you spin?

Me: Nope. Pat, my mother always told me, ‘Son, you’ve got to grab life by the short and curlies’. I’m not letting this one get away.

Pat: Well, all right then. Solve away.

Me: Obviously, the answer is ‘BONE WITH THE WANG’. Thank you, thank you.

Pat: Actually, that’s incorrect.

Me: Incorrect? What’s incorrect?

Pat: Your answer. It’s not correct. You lose your turn.

Me: Wait, what answer?

Pat: The answer you just gave. It’s wrong.

Me: What answer? Say it.

Pat: *sigh* ‘BONE WITH THE WANG’.

Me: Hee! You said ‘wang‘. *snort*

Pat: Dammit, cut!

Round 1: Joe and Alice are worthless. They luck into a couple of H’s while taking turns playing ‘Sit ‘n’ Spin’ on their thumbs. The board comes back to me.

Category: Movie title

-ONE W–H -HE W-N-

Pat: All right, Charlie. Spin away.

Me: Okay. Here we go. *spin* Yay! Big boobies! *clap clap* Let’s go, big boobies!

Pat: What?!

Me: I said ‘big boobies’. Everybody says that when they spin.

Pat: No. It’s ‘big money’. People say, ‘Come on, big money.’

Me: Oh. Sorry. Can I try again?

Pat: Well, we don’t usually do that… but we can’t show that last spin, so what the hell? Go ahead.

Me: Okay, thanks. Here we go! *spin* Big monkeys! Here we go, give me biiig monkeys!

Pat: Oh, good gravy. Stop the film! Cut! Cut!

Round 1: Same turn. Off camera, Pat’s instructed me to say nothing at all when I spin. These big Hollywood stars can be so pissy.

Category: Movie title

-ONE W–H -HE W-N-

Pat: Charlie, your spin. Just… spin, all right? Nothing else. Spin.

Me: Sure, Pat. Jeez, don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m spinning, I’m spinning. *spin*

Pat: Okay, $300. Fine. Guess a letter.

Me: How about ‘T’?

Pat: The guess is ‘T’. Vanna, any ‘T’s?

Me: Oh, that Vanna is always a ‘tease’? Snap, yo!

Pat: Um, yes. Moving on… there are two ‘T’s. Vanna, if you would.

Me: Holy hunchback mother of God! What the hell is up with Vanna? Did somebody pass her through a wood chipper, or what?

Pat: What? Oh, right. Yeah, I should have mentioned. We do a bit of, um, ‘post-production editing’ to make Vanna look the way you’re used to seeing on TV.

Me: Shit, I’ll say. You must have a whole goddamned team from Pixar in here. Ouch!

Vanna: Excuse me! I’m right here.

Me: (to Pat) Wow, you do a number on the voice, too, huh? She sounds like the frickin’ Cookie Monster.

Pat: Yeah, it’s tough. That’s like eighty percent of the show’s budget right there.

Me: Yeah, I bet. I never realized she had that lazy eye. Not to mention the wooden leg. Jeez.

Pat: Oh, that one’s easy to hide. They just copy the good leg over to the other hip and animate it. Look closely next time you watch — on TV, she’s always wearing two left shoes.

Me: Freaky.

Round 1: Same turn. Hopalong Vanna has finally turned the ‘T’s.

Category: Movie title

-ONE W-TH THE W-N-

Me: Pat, I think I’d like to solve the puzzle, please.

Pat: Okay, go ahead.

Me: Is it ‘BONE WITH THE WANG’?

Pat: Oh, for Pete’s sake… no! It wasn’t that last time, and it’s still not it. Get over it.

Me: How about ‘DONE WITH THE WANG’?

Pat: No. What? No!

Me: Come on, it’s like the sequel. First, you ‘BONE WITH THE WANG’; then you’re ‘DONE WITH THE WANG’.

Pat: No! Just… no. Next contestant.

Me: ‘DONE WITH THE WANK’?

Pat: Look. You only get one guess. You’re done.

Me: ‘BONE WITH THE WAND’? ‘GONE WITH THE WANG’?

Pat: Stop it.

Me: ‘BONE WITH A WINK?’

Pat: Stop —

Me: ‘SING WITH A WANG’?

Pat: No, that’s —

Me: ‘HUNG LIKE A WOOKIE’?

Pat: Okay, that doesn’t even make sense. Now look. You had your guess. We’re moving on.

Me: ‘HOME ON THE RANGE’?

Pat: That doesn’t even fit. You’re done.

Me: ‘HOME ON THE WANKING RANGE’?

Pat: Oh, fuck this. I’m going to lunch.

Me: What if I put it in the form of a question?

Pat: (stomping off the stage) Somebody get my bottle of scotch. Cut!

Round 2: Alice eventually solved the first puzzle. (‘GONE WITH THE WIND’ — who knew?) We’re in the second round now, after Joe’s first spin.

Category: TV News Anchor

P—- J—INGS

Pat: Nice work, Joe. And now it’s Charlie’s turn. Time to spin.

Me: Nope, I’m solving it, Pat.

Pat: No. Please, for the love of God… just spin the damned wheel.

Me: Sorry, can’t do it. I know this one. ‘PENIS JERKINGS’.

Pat: (with head in hands) ‘PENIS JERKINGS’. That’s your answer, is it? ‘PENIS JERKINGS’?

Me: That’s right.

Pat: So you’re saying there’s a news man out there somewhere, starting off the six o’clock broadcast with ‘Good evening, this is Penis Jerkings with the news of the day.‘

Me: I’m guessing that there could be, yes.

Pat: I see. So that’s your guess, then?

Me: Yep.

Pat: Not gonna change your mind?

Me: Nope. ‘PENIS JERKINGS’ it is. Show me the monkeys, Pat!

Pat: ‘Show me the monkeys…‘ Oh, I can’t fucking stand it. Stop taping! Stop!

Round 3: Alice and Joe manage to finish off ‘PETER JENNINGS’. (Who the hell is that?) There’s time for one more puzzle. I get to spin first.

Category: Country

———–

Pat: Okay, the answer to this puzzle is the name of a country. Let’s get this the hell over with. Charlie, you —

Me: I’ll solve.

Pat: Oh. Right, of course. All right, knock yourself out. What’s the country?

Me: It’s ‘POOPENVANIA’, Pat.

Pat: ‘POOPENVANIA’?

Me: Yep. That’s my final answer.

Pat: Oh, you douchebag, that’s not even the right show. Cut!

Round 3: My fellow contestants do the easy work. Lazy assbags. It’s up to me to guess the hard part.

Category: Country

——LA-DS

Pat: Oh, too bad, Joe. You went bankrupt. Just like Charlie’s frickin’ soul. Hey, speak of the devil! You’re not actually gonna do us a favor and spin this time, are you?

Me: Nope, I’m solving.

Pat: Oh, goody. I can hardly wait. Fire away, numbnuts.

Me: Is it ‘PECKERLANDS’?

Pat: *sigh* No, it isn’t ‘PECKERLANDS’. And the whole audience is now dumber for having heard it. Next!

Round 3: Alice and Joe contribute a couple of ‘N’s between them on the next turn. Lobotomized gibbons could do better. (‘Show me the monkeys!’)

Category: Country

N—–LANDS

Pat: Oh, joy. We’re back to Charlie. What’s it gonna be this time? ‘NIPPLELANDS’? ‘NOSTRILLANDS’? NASTY-HONKING-HOOTER-ALIA’?

Me: *snicker* No, no… I’ve been thinking about this one, Pat. I’ve *snort* — I’ve got a good one this time. It’s hilarious.

Pat: Great. Excuse me while I impale myself on the fricking wheel. *sigh* All right, what is it?

Me: Hee. How about ‘NETHER LANDS’? *giggle* Like the ‘nether regions’? Get it? *snort*

Pat: ‘NETHERLANDS’?

Me: Mmmm-hmmm. ‘Nether‘! *mrrrf*

Pat: For the love of freakin’ Christmas. That’s right. Holy shit, the cluetard got one right. And… oh, crap. That’s the last round. That puts you ahead. You just won the whole damned thing. I think I’m gonna be sick.

Me: Yay! All right! Go, me! It’s my birthday — go Charlie, go Charlie… I’m in the monkeys; I’m in the monkeys…

Pat: Oh, nice. Would somebody please shoot me now? We’re not really giving this assbag bonus prizes, are we? Ugh. I need a ten-minute break. Cut!

Bonus Round: Finally, a chance to show what I can do without those assholes Joe and Alice holding me back. And I finally get to stand next to Pat. Who smells of hair gel and cheap gin, by the way. Just like Grandma used to. (‘Mmmmm… grandmas.’)

Pat: All right, what are you playing for, anyway?

Me: I’m going for the twenty-five thousand dollars, Pat.

Pat: Fine. That’s the biggest prize, so you get the hardest word. Good luck with that, pissbrain. Here’s your clue. The category is ‘Animal’. It’s a five-letter word. We’ll give you E, R, S, T, N, and L by default. But they’re not in there, so I don’t know why I’m bothering to tell you. Now, you get to pick three more consonants and a vowel. What do you want?

Me: Well, first off, Pat, I’m going to pick ‘U’ and ‘I’, in honor of Vanna, ’cause when I look at her, and she looks back at me — with her one good eye, anyway — I just want to tell her that ‘U’ and ‘I’ should be together always.

Pat: That’s, um, sweet. I suppose.

Me: How ’bout it, Vanna? I’ll bring my ‘wooden leg’ if you bring yours.

Vanna: Um, ew!

Me: ‘Ooooh‘?

Vanna: No. ‘Ewwwww‘.

Me: Oh. ‘Ew‘. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Pat: All right, hose it down, there, Romeo. Let’s get back to the game. For one thing, you’re a moron, because ‘I’ and ‘U’ are both vowels. But I’m gonna give ’em both to you, anyway. Fuck what the judges are screaming into my earpiece. Hey! You people aren’t the boss of me! So, you’ve got ‘I’ and ‘U’. Neither of them are in the damned word, so what the hell do I care? What else you want?

Me: Well, Pat, I think I’ll take a ‘V’, for ‘Vanna’. And a ‘W’, for ‘White’. Or for ‘woman’, because she’s all woman.

Pat: Yeah, you’d think so, wouldn’t you? Maybe you should take another ‘V’ for ‘vagina’, ’cause between the two of you, you’re not gonna have one.

Vanna: Up yours, Pat. That’s a damned lie. And I’ve got the pictures from the back of your limo to prove it!

Me: Ooh. You tell him, Vanna. Hey, if you need someone to back you up, you can count on me. I just gotta see the ‘proof in the pudding’ first, if you know what I mean.

Vanna: Ugh. Gag me.

Me: Yes. Finally, we’re on the same wavelength. All right!

Vanna: What? No, I — oh. Ewwwwwwww! That’s it! (storming — well, okay, limping — off the stage) I’m not working like this. Turn your own goddamned letters.

Pat: Great. Now you pissed off the help. Wonderful. Well, the good news is that you’ve got no letters to turn over. ‘I’, ‘U’, ‘V’, and ‘W’ — none of them are there. You got nothing. Zip. Diddle. Let’s throw ten seconds on the clock and get this train wreck frigging over with. Your time starts… now!

Me: Hmmm… animal, animal, animal…

Pat: Five seconds.

Me: I bet ‘Vanna’ is an ‘animal’… but I’m pretty sure that ‘Vanna’ would have a ‘V’ in it. Or maybe a ‘W’. Hmmm…

Pat: Three… and two… and one… last chance to make another embarrassing, inappropriate guess!

Me: ‘BOOBY’!

Pat: Time’s up! The guess was ‘BOOBY’. Well, of course it was. Dumbass. I’m sorry, but ‘BOOBY’ is incor — What? The judges are telling me… you have got to be fucking kidding. The answer is ‘BOOBY‘?!?

Me: Well, sure, Pat. The booby is a large wading bird, closely related to the egret and heron families. There are several kinds of boobies, with the most well-known being the blue-footed booby. Come on, dude — booby. Everybody knows about the booby birds.

Pat: Oh, that’s it. That is fucking it! Get this sicko off my stage. You get nothing, you hear me? Not a damned penny! Security! Get him out! Out! Don’t you ever come back to this studio again! Don’t even frigging watch this show any more! Out!!

Me: All right, all right, I’m going. Easy, fellas. Whoa, hey, careful there! Look — hey! While you’re carting me off… hey, can I just say one thing to Pat? Pat! Pat!

Pat: What, goddamn it?

Me: *snicker* You said ‘booby’! *snort*

And that was it. Three big stagehands picked my ass up and carted me off the lot. They even threatened to cite me for ‘conduct unbecoming a contestant’ and ‘untoward behavior on a game show set’. I never got a dime from the show — even though I won — and I didn’t even get to appear in the show. That’s all right, though. At least now you know the truth.

But if you see an episode of ‘da Wheel‘ that seems shorter than usual, and there’s only two contestants shown, you’ll know that’s mine. I owned those bitches, baby. That’s forever, man. They can take my money, and steal my fame, and splice my face out of their show. They can even give me an eye-bulging nuclear wedgie when they pick me up by my underwear to haul me outside. But they can never take my victory away from me. No one can. I am ‘King of the Boobies’, whether the world knows it or not. And not even Pat Sajak can say that! Yeah!