Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton’s Facebook Follies: The Crass Menagerie

Zolton’s Facebook Follies: The Crass Menagerie

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

If you’ve ever watched the Lion King or sat through a whole Sarah McLachlan commercial, you know how sad animals can get. And in today’s modern world, the critters have all sorts of problems — loss of habitat, hunters and poachers, pollution, fur traders, Ribwich restaurants, and so on. The last thing our delicate fauna friends need is to be co-opted into shilling useless products, chained up and paraded around as sullen corporate mascots.

And yet.

From the Aflac wing-clipped duck to Tony the very-probably-endangered Tiger, there are ad animals quacking and roaring and inexplicably speaking in effeminate Australian accents practically everywhere you turn. Well, I’ve decided enough is enough, and I’m pushing back on companies employing some of the more exotic of Nature’s creatures.

(Well, not all the exotic creatures. GoDaddy has perfectly lovely commercials. I’ve got no beef with their kitty cats. Mreow!)

Read on for my animalistic objections — and the actual Facebook posts on real companies’ walls. I aim to succeed where the World Wildlife Fund and Greenpeace have failed. Or at least to get a new lawnmower out of the deal. Or maybe a teddy bear. Have a look.

I started with a company with a product much like its mascot: tough on the outside, explosive on the inside, and always dangerous, prone to leaking and horny. Come to think of it, their product’s more like Ron Jeremy after a five-alarm burrito. That’s probably not important right now.

What is important is that their fuel isn’t actually made of rhino. Or Ron Jeremy. Because that would be bad:


Note that the BlueRhino folks managed to respond in less than ten minutes. I appreciated that, personally. Ron Jeremy is probably embarrassed for them.

Next, it was time for a bit of lawn care. So I went right to the leader in grass-oppressing technology. Sadly, their performance left something to be desired:

John Deere

This was some pretty thirsty work, so I looked for a beverage to cool off with. Only, I wanted one free of scaly skink scat:


I retreated home, beaten and grizzly. Feeling bi-polar, I reached out to my yogi. But he didn’t answer — so I decided I’d rather just keep everyone away:

Build-A-Bear Workshop

As usual, nothing went quite to plan. But I learned something about my propane, got the grass mowed (slooooowly), and I’ve got a new plush purple pal to play with. Maybe I’ll use him to wipe the iguana goo off those SoBe bottles. The little squirt’s got to be good for something, right?

Last week, Zolton nailed his Amanar and stormed the medal stand with 5-Hour Energy, Lipton Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Pepsi Next and Coke Zero. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved