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Zolton’s Facebook Follies: Trolling for Gold

Zolton’s Facebook Follies: Trolling for Gold

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

The spirit of the Olympics is everywhere this week. It’s no different in the highly competitive world of professional Facebook product reviews.

(No, seriously. We’re totally cutthroat. All three of us.)

So I decided to turn this set of reviews into an event. Specifically, a race.

Hopefully, it’s a sprint. I’m in no shape for a marathon. Or a relay. Or a sprint. Frankly, I just ran out of breath writing this paragraph.

Luckily, this event requires no physical exertion on my part; I only have to write reviews on the internet — which I have. Just after midnight this morning, within seconds of each other, I posted reviews on the official Facebook walls of five popular beverage/ makers. Those reviews all started out thusly:

“Hi, I have a question about a bottle of your product I bought today. It was delicious as usual, but when I reached the bottom, I found a few small dark pellets I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with them.”

The question is, which company will be the first to respond? And what will that mean for the winner? They’re extraordinarily sensitive to their customers’ needs? They spend way too much time surfing Facebook? They’re basically expecting people to find rat turds in their products?

We’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, the contenders — and my actual Facebook posts:

Coca-Cola Zero

Pepsi Next

Mountain Dew

Lipton Iced Tea

5-Hour Energy

So who’ll stick the landing, and who’ll be bawling down their leotards when the chalk dust settles? Stay tuned to find out, Olympic sports fans. This ain’t NBC; these results will be coming in live.


It was a hard-fought battle, but in less than twelve hours one competitor emerged from the pack to address my tiny-pellet beverage concerns. And that team of heroes is Five-Hour Energy:

It’s not a direct response to the post — and they managed to misspell ‘Zolton’ — but the judges have conferred and nevertheless awarded Five-Hour Energy the gold medal!

We will now hear the Five-Hour Energy national anthem, which is, of course, the regular national anthem sped up to chipmunk speed and sung while twitching on the floor.

Congratulations to our Olympic winner, and stay tuned for more medals, whenever the rat poop patrol finally checks their Facebook accounts. Victory!

Last week, Zolton found himself befuddled by DiGiorno, Scrubbing Bubbles, Honest Tea and NyQuil. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!

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