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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
I think we can all agree that the single most rewarding thing in the world — the very essence of joy and beauty, perhaps the only truly worthwhile accomplishment of life on this planet — is bacon.
That goes without saying, of course. I’m frankly surprised that our Constitution doesn’t declare the self-evident freedoms of “life, liberty and the pursuit of delicious salt-cured strips of pork”.
But if bacon is at the top of the meat mountain heap, what of the other pig parts on the pile? Those less-perfect-but-still-tasty links sizzling in bacon’s shadow? I’m talking about sausage, and the various ‘wursts, dogs and intestinally-cased delectables that entails.
For my “Celebration o’ Sausage”, I went straight to the source, knocking on the smokehouse doors of some of the world’s largest sausage makers. Seeing as how we live in an age of political correctness, I vowed to keep the discourse free of anything suggestive, phallic, or in any way euphemistic.
And I failed. I failed long, and I failed hard. There are less references to dick in a Richard Nixon biography. Read on for the scandalous results — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook pages. It’s so satisfying, you may need a cigarette afterward.
And if you don’t have a cigarette, I’ve got something you can smoke. Right. Here.
(Pssssst. It’s a sausage! Of course! Go, pork!)
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Last week, Zolton got clean and squeaky with iRobot Roomba, Swiffer, GooGone and Purell. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
The world is a filthy place. And I’m not just talking about the gaps under our refrigerators, or Mike Rowe’s favorite hangouts, or ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent of the internet. I mean everything. Dirt and muck and dust build up faster than we can clean it — and once we finally have cleaned it up, it’s right back again. Like a boomerang. Or chlamydia. Or Mike Rowe.
How to stem the tide of filth and keep oneself squeaky clean? That’s what I aimed to find out, from some of the world’s leading dirt-busters (who aren’t named Mike Rowe). Read on for my findings — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook pages. It’s a dirty job — and who else would do those for you?
(Oh, hush. Smartass.)
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Last week, Zolton rose and shoned’d with pranks on Quaker Oats, Frosted Flakes, Eggo and Philips Norelco. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
I’m not a morning person. Nothing interesting has happened before noon, ever in the history of the universe.
(The history class I took back in school might refute the above statement. But it was only offered in the morning, so I mostly slept through it.
That’s probably why the teacher kept telling me I was “doomed to repeat it”. Smartass.)
The lone exception to morning’s awfulness is, of course, breakfast. Sure, you can eat breakfast foods at any time of day — but that’s not “breakfast”; it’s merely awesome. Plus, afternoons and evenings don’t need breakfast to cheer them up. They’re already pretty great. Only the morning — ugly, pock-marked, greasy bloated morning — truly benefits from the transformative superhero magic that is breakfast.
I’m always on the lookout for ways to improve the pre-noon experience. And all of those ways that don’t involve sleeping pills, chloroform or ungodly amounts of tequila center around breakfast.
So I’ve hit up some of my favorite breakfast-related (and, in some cases, not-so-obviously-breakfast-related) companies online to help me out. Read on for my morning-meal missives — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls — to help make your breakfast the very best it can possibly be.
Short of moving it to two in the afternoon, that is. Because that would be awesome.
When I think of a hearty breakfast, I think of oatmeal. Solid, reliable, plain boring old fashioned oatmeal.
But what’s this? My oatmeal has changed? Old fashioned becomes newfangled? Buwhaa? Explain thyself, Quakerfolk!:
“Contemporary”? “Modern”? Quakers? Thee must be yankething my leg.
Perhaps cold cereal is where it’s at. That seems safer.
But what to do when cold cereal leaves you… cold? How does one voice disappointment, while keeping the eye of the ti-grrrrr?
I drew the attention of an apparently messed-and-in-Texas chick, trying to find out:
Some breakfast foods need no introduction. They’re iconic. Ubiquitous. Institutions.
They also taste like rained-on corrugated cardboard. But that’s nothing a new and exciting ad campaign (UPDATE: or two!)) wouldn’t fix:
Finally, I decided to do what my doctor told me a long time ago: wake up and eat some fresh fruit. But even that has issues — especially when my morning meal sports more overnight scruff than I do. Who in the morning wants to deal with hairy pits?
Well, now it’s official. With all of this bother, even breakfast is ruined for me. There’s absolutely nothing good left about mornings. Bah.
Wake me up when it’s time for lunch. I’ll have a bowl of gruel and a nectarine dipped in Nair. Until then, good night.
I SAID, ‘GOOD NIGHT’!
Last week, Zolton dabbled in DIY with Bazooka Gum, Band-Aids, Duck Tape and Stanley Tools. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Today is the first official day of spring, which conjures up thoughts of renewal and growth of all kinds. Flowers blooming. Birds singing. Spring break chicks doing bikini kegstands to cliched Jimmy Buffett tunes.
Your springtime mileage may vary, naturally.
When I think of spring, what comes to mind is primavera — as in pasta primavera. Which is completely appropriate, since ‘primavera’ is an Italian word meaning ‘spring’. Or ‘vegetables’. Or ‘an extra two dollars at Olive Garden’, maybe.
Sorry. My Italian, she is not so bella.
Still, I love-a the pasta. And what better way to ring in springtime than to hit up a bunch of pasta makers for their delicious noodly secrets? Read on for some punky pasta pestering — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. That’s-a spicy spring-a ball, no?
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Last week, Zolton went Canuck for the yuks with Tim Horton’s, Harlequin, BlackBerry and Canada Dry. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
As winter finally lifts its snowy bootheel from our collective throat here in the U.S., we pause to think of those less fortunate than we. Poor, shivering souls exposed to the elements, without the means to afford the amenities of a more civilized life.
I’m speaking, of course, of Canadians.
While we thaw out, the Canucks are stuck with fourteen more weeks of winter. They’ll still be parka’d up in June, shoveling sled paths and moose crossings between their igloos. Good thing their healthcare covers frostbite burns, the poor Arctic dearies.
To honor our numb northerly neighbors, I said “hello, eh?” to some of Canada’s most well-known corporate giants. The ones who don’t speak French, anyway. Or make earflap hats or hockey pucks. Which excludes most of them.
Read on for my Royal Mounted salute to Canadia — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. And let’s give those avalanched lumberjacks some love. Everybody show them your “O, O, O, O, O Canada!” face. Attaboy, eh.
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Last week, Zolton crawled the mall with GameStop, Bose, Radio Shack and Best Buy. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
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