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Zolton’s Facebook Pranks on Breakfast Companies

Zolton’s Facebook Pranks on Breakfast Companies

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

I’m not a morning person. Nothing interesting has happened before noon, ever in the history of the universe.

(The history class I took back in school might refute the above statement. But it was only offered in the morning, so I mostly slept through it.

That’s probably why the teacher kept telling me I was “doomed to repeat it”. Smartass.)

The lone exception to morning’s awfulness is, of course, breakfast. Sure, you can eat breakfast foods at any time of day — but that’s not “breakfast”; it’s merely awesome. Plus, afternoons and evenings don’t need breakfast to cheer them up. They’re already pretty great. Only the morning — ugly, pock-marked, greasy bloated morning — truly benefits from the transformative superhero magic that is breakfast.

I’m always on the lookout for ways to improve the pre-noon experience. And all of those ways that don’t involve sleeping pills, chloroform or ungodly amounts of tequila center around breakfast.

So I’ve hit up some of my favorite breakfast-related (and, in some cases, not-so-obviously-breakfast-related) companies online to help me out. Read on for my morning-meal missives — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls — to help make your breakfast the very best it can possibly be.

Short of moving it to two in the afternoon, that is. Because that would be awesome.

When I think of a hearty breakfast, I think of oatmeal. Solid, reliable, plain boring old fashioned oatmeal.

But what’s this? My oatmeal has changed? Old fashioned becomes newfangled? Buwhaa? Explain thyself, Quakerfolk!:

Quaker Oats

“Contemporary”? “Modern”? Quakers? Thee must be yankething my leg.

Perhaps cold cereal is where it’s at. That seems safer.

But what to do when cold cereal leaves you… cold? How does one voice disappointment, while keeping the eye of the ti-grrrrr?

I drew the attention of an apparently messed-and-in-Texas chick, trying to find out:

Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

Some breakfast foods need no introduction. They’re iconic. Ubiquitous. Institutions.

They also taste like rained-on corrugated cardboard. But that’s nothing a new and exciting ad campaign (UPDATE: or two!)) wouldn’t fix:


Finally, I decided to do what my doctor told me a long time ago: wake up and eat some fresh fruit. But even that has issues — especially when my morning meal sports more overnight scruff than I do. Who in the morning wants to deal with hairy pits?

Philips Norelco

Well, now it’s official. With all of this bother, even breakfast is ruined for me. There’s absolutely nothing good left about mornings. Bah.

Wake me up when it’s time for lunch. I’ll have a bowl of gruel and a nectarine dipped in Nair. Until then, good night.


Last week, Zolton dabbled in DIY with Bazooka Gum, Band-Aids, Duck Tape and Stanley Tools. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!

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