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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Quick Fixes

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

A lot of things can go wrong in life. When the inevitable happens -- an accident, broken valuables, minor injury -- the best thing is to thoroughly assess the damage, seek professional advice if needed, gather the appropriate tools, and carefully and meticulously make the repair.

Yeah. Nobody does that. Who does that? Maybe the Amish. So, nobody.

In the modern world, when our stuff -- or our body parts -- break down, we don't have the time or the money or probably the attention span to make the "right" fix. No, we make the quick fix -- just enough taping up or lashing together or stopping the bleeding to get us to the next disaster. Which we can hopefully blame on someone else, along with the cock-up we just half-assed fixed.

To make these ghetto repairs happen, we need the right -- or usually, the wrong -- supplies. So I went online to let my favorite quick-fix companies know how they're doing. Read on for my comments -- and my actual posts on the companies' Facebook walls. You'll never look at bungee cords and bailing wire the same way again.

They say you can hold anything together with bubble gum.

Wait, no. I say that. But it takes a helluva lot of chewing to get the job done:

Bazooka Bubble Gum

When you're cutting corners and something goes haywire, the advice is always, "Just put a Band-Aid on it."

Well, that's great and all -- but what if you never take the Band-Aid off? Evidently, I'm not the only one who's wanted to find out:


Then there's the company whose very name is a 'fix'. Guys like me use duct tape to hold half our stuff together. A lot of us called it "duck tape" -- which was wrong, unless we were using it to truss a bird for grilling, maybe.

Which we did. Sometimes.

Then the Duck company came along, and made their own tape. So now 'Duck tape' is right. Though using it to fix electronics? Probably still wrong:

Duck Brand

Finally, there's hot glue. You can fix anything with hot glue -- for a few days, at least, when it's sure to break again. Which just means it needs another fix -- with hot glue.

Of course, hot glue needs a hot glue gun. I was very excited when I heard of those things -- though the reality is a little disappointing:

Stanley Tools

The next time something of yours breaks -- whether a toilet seat, a television or a tibia -- keep these fixit tips and products in mind. You may not get the job done right, but you'll get the job done quick.

Suck on that, Amish. Yeah.

Last week, Zolton battled "to the pain" with Vick's, Excedrin, Visine and PeptoBismol. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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