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Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Sausage Companies

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

I think we can all agree that the single most rewarding thing in the world -- the very essence of joy and beauty, perhaps the only truly worthwhile accomplishment of life on this planet -- is bacon.

That goes without saying, of course. I'm frankly surprised that our Constitution doesn't declare the self-evident freedoms of "life, liberty and the pursuit of delicious salt-cured strips of pork".

But if bacon is at the top of the meat mountain heap, what of the other pig parts on the pile? Those less-perfect-but-still-tasty links sizzling in bacon's shadow? I'm talking about sausage, and the various 'wursts, dogs and intestinally-cased delectables that entails.

For my "Celebration o' Sausage", I went straight to the source, knocking on the smokehouse doors of some of the world's largest sausage makers. Seeing as how we live in an age of political correctness, I vowed to keep the discourse free of anything suggestive, phallic, or in any way euphemistic.

And I failed. I failed long, and I failed hard. There are less references to dick in a Richard Nixon biography. Read on for the scandalous results -- and my actual posts on the companies' Facebook pages. It's so satisfying, you may need a cigarette afterward.

And if you don't have a cigarette, I've got something you can smoke. Right. Here.

(Pssssst. It's a sausage! Of course! Go, pork!)


The post:

Jimmy Dean

The post:

Hebrew National

The post:


The post:

Last week, Zolton got clean and squeaky with iRobot Roomba, Swiffer, GooGone and Purell. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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