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Zolton Does Amazon: Authentic Irish

Zolton Does Amazon: Authentic Irish

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

St. Patrick’s Day is galloping toward us like an Irish setter after a paddy wagon. And while the temptation is strong to do the same old holiday thing — dye myself green, glug down the Guinness and floss leprechaun blarney out of my eyeteeth at four thirty the next morning — this time I’ve decided to do things differently.

Not actually me. I’ve never looked nearly this good on March 18th.

That’s right. This year, I want the real Irish experience. There’s more to Ireland than shamrocks and hangovers — or so I hear — and I want to know: what’s it really like to be Irish on the nation’s most special day? So I went to my number one source online for learning about other cultures and peoples and traditions.

But Wikipedia was down. So, Amazon it is. Read on to see the products I found to represent the true Irish St. Patrick’s Day pride — along with my actual Amazon reviews of everything listed.

There may not be gold at the end of this rainbow — but there’s probably beer. This is Ireland we’re talking about, laddy! Isn’t there always?

The Ginger Survival Guide

My Amazon Review:

Can one TRULY be Irish who isn’t a ginger?

Okay, probably, yes. But most gingers have a bit of the Irish in them — and sometimes the whole shaft. I bought this book to read up on what it’s really like to “live ginger.”

Overall, it doesn’t seem so bad. Hide your freckles. Stay out of the sun. Don’t wear red scarves. Pretty benign stuff.

Sure, that whole “not having a soul” thing could be a bother. But it’s not so bad. I sold mine a while back for an Amazon Prime membership, and I’m doing just fine. Shipped it out for FREE, too. No blarney.

Potato Clock

My Amazon Review:

If you’re going to call yourself Irish — even for a day — you’ve got to know your way around a potato or two. Anyone can boil them or bake them or douse them in au gratin. I wanted something more. I wanted to make FURNITURE out of them.

Enter these potato clock kits — perfect for the aspiring Irish home decorator. And so easy to put together! I made a clock for the mantel. Then one for my nightstand, another for the kitchen, the car dashboard, the office and a fancy strapped one to wear on my wrist. Everyone oohed and aahed and begorrahed at my kicky potato watch.

I made you an efficient, organic and sustainable wholly-natural hand-crafted timepiece. BUT I EATED IT.

But eventually, I got hungry. And I was all out of “eating potatoes.” So I sacrificed my watch and power-baked those spuds. Little word of advice: if you’re going to microwave your clock taters, it’s best to take the electrodes out first.

Now I need a new microwave. And a new watch. Is there any chance I could make those out of boiled cabbage?

Dollhouse Irish Whiskey and Schnapps Set

My Amazon Review:

I decided not to drown myself in green beer this year — but that doesn’t mean a wee little tipple of the old Irish whisky is out of the question. I wanted something new and fresh, off the beaten path a bit, so I searched out this item.

And what a steal! For just $4.29, a full bottle of authentic Irish whiskey AND schnapps? I’d never heard of this “Dollhouse” distillery before, but how bad could it be? It’s IRISH, for Saint Pat’s sake.

Of course, I was a bit disappointed when the bottles arrived. For one thing, they’re only an inch tall. For another, they’re made out of plastic — and extremely hard to open. When I’d finally wrenched the top off the whiskey bottle, I found the worst part of all — the bottles were EMPTY.

Damn you, letter jockey!!

Which just goes to show — you can’t trust your mailman with ANY amount of booze in the mail. I hope he chokes on my thimbleful of whiskey!

Snake-A-Way Snake Repelling Granules

My Amazon Review:

Nobody’s Irish-er than Saint Patrick — and there’s nothing more Saint Patrick-y than shooing away snakes. So I bought these granules to give it a try. Just imagine — these might be the very same concentrated chemical pellets old Saint Pat used, way back in the whenever-it-was. Amazing!

And they work wonders, too. A while back, I noticed a few small snakes in the back of the yard. So I sprinkled these granules back there, waited a few days and presto! Now all of the snakes are in the FRONT of the yard, near the house. Crawling up the walls, that sort of thing. It’s like a mamba party on my porch, and everyone’s slithering.

Worse yet, now I’m all out of granules. Maybe I’ll pitch a tent and sleep out in the back of the yard, where it’s safe. That seems like the IRISH way.

Oh, to hell with this; I gave it a shot. Erin go WOOOOOOO!!!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Zolton Does Amazon: Home Sweet Home Office

Zolton Does Amazon: Home Sweet Home Office

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

I’ve recently been given the opportunity to work at home. By which I mean, the boss told me that “nobody in this office wants to look at your dumb face any more.”

“Opportunity,” “ostracism.” It’s all semantics.

Whatever you call it, my face and I needed to set up a home office. And since we both believe in “Safety First!“, we pledged to make our new workspace fully ergonomic. No carpal tunnels or wonky necks or bulgy strained eyes in this office. No, sir.

Of course, I needed a few “creative” office supplies to make it happen, and reliable old Amazon.com was there for me again. Read on to see how I took the home office “off the hook” — and read my actual Amazon reviews of all the products used. Ergonomics never hurt so good.

Microbead Roll Pillow

My Amazon Review:

I’ve seen the fancy gel “wrist rests” for keyboards. But those are expensive and squishy and when the gel sac breaks, what’s it good for then? Ghetto hair gel? Replacement Vaseline? Emergency Jell-O? Pass.

I bought this pillow and used it to rest on when typing. On the downside, it’s pretty tall, so it was tough to stretch my hands all the way down to the keys. I had to lean way over to see what I was typing.

Now all I have to worry about is repetitive snoring syndrome. I can live with that.

Which was also the upside, because when that got tiring, I just fell over and took a nap. And this pillow is really comfortable, and tolerates being drooled on nicely. I don’t know if I was sleeping “ergonomically,” but it sure beat doing more TPS reports.

Mesh Office Chair

My Amazon Review:

I heard it’s important to take frequent breaks while you’re working at a computer, getting up every few minutes to stretch out and reset. So I wanted an ergonomic chair that looked a little awkward, thinking it would make me uncomfortable and remind me to move around.

I tried this chair out, but it’s actually quite comfortable. I worked a whole day straight through without a single break. Sure, I got a lot accomplished — but I didn’t feel “ergonomic.”

So the next day, I sat in it sideways with my knees over one arm. Still too comfortable; I could actually tolerate sitting that way for over an hour at a time. No good. Finally, I turned the chair backwards and sat with my feet stretched out past the back.

Welcome … to the mesh chair o’ nightmares!

That helped a lot — now I take a break and move around every five minutes or so, either voluntarily or by tipping over backwards onto my head. My old officemates say on video chats it looks like I’m giving birth to some kind of mutant mesh-covered radar dish — but that’s just ergo-jealousy. I see it in their beady carpal-tunneled little eyes.

Wireless Keyboard

My Amazon Review:

If I really wanted to cast off the shackles of workplace injury, I had to escape from the desk. With this keyboard, I can type in any position — sitting in my chair, holding it in my lap, lying on the floor, or stretched out on the couch.

ESPECIALLY stretched out on the couch.

Granted, I can’t see the monitor from there, but as long as the keyboard is in my hands — or by my feet, or under my head while I’m dozing — then I’m “working.” An awful lot of my emails start out “Dear fksannnnnnn…”, but that’s a small price to pay for eliminating repetitive motion injuries and wonky back spasms. Awesome product!

Yet another chance to sleep my way to the bottom.

Rumblepad Wireless Game Controller

My Amazon Review:

I’ve always heard that standard computer mice are bad for your wrists. So I picked up this wireless joystick to move the cursor more ergonomically in all my business-related software.

Also, when I’m surfing the web. And for shooting zombies and aliens and terrorists in video games. And let’s be fair — in a home “office,” what else would I be doing while I’m sitting at my desk?

The controller works well for all those things — smooth controls, quick response, and no trouble connecting with the wireless adapter. If I had one tiny request, it would be a feature that makes the joystick vibrate when the webcam comes on, since my boss likes to videoconference me without any warning.

Usually while I’m in the middle of a wargame, and making faces not typically associated with, say, Microsoft Excel. I’d give it TEN stars, if it could weasel me out of that.

“Oh, hi boss. Uh, just going over my last employee review … why do you ask?”

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!