Zolton Does Amazon: Authentic Irish

April 1, 2013

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

St. Patrick’s Day is galloping toward us like an Irish setter after a paddy wagon. And while the temptation is strong to do the same old holiday thing — dye myself green, glug down the Guinness and floss leprechaun blarney out of my eyeteeth at four thirty the next morning — this time I’ve decided to do things differently.

Not actually me. I’ve never looked nearly this good on March 18th.

That’s right. This year, I want the real Irish experience. There’s more to Ireland than shamrocks and hangovers — or so I hear — and I want to know: what’s it really like to be Irish on the nation’s most special day? So I went to my number one source online for learning about other cultures and peoples and traditions.

But Wikipedia was down. So, Amazon it is. Read on to see the products I found to represent the true Irish St. Patrick’s Day pride — along with my actual Amazon reviews of everything listed.

There may not be gold at the end of this rainbow — but there’s probably beer. This is Ireland we’re talking about, laddy! Isn’t there always?

The Ginger Survival Guide

My Amazon Review:

Can one TRULY be Irish who isn’t a ginger?

Okay, probably, yes. But most gingers have a bit of the Irish in them — and sometimes the whole shaft. I bought this book to read up on what it’s really like to “live ginger.”

Overall, it doesn’t seem so bad. Hide your freckles. Stay out of the sun. Don’t wear red scarves. Pretty benign stuff.

Sure, that whole “not having a soul” thing could be a bother. But it’s not so bad. I sold mine a while back for an Amazon Prime membership, and I’m doing just fine. Shipped it out for FREE, too. No blarney.

Potato Clock

My Amazon Review:

If you’re going to call yourself Irish — even for a day — you’ve got to know your way around a potato or two. Anyone can boil them or bake them or douse them in au gratin. I wanted something more. I wanted to make FURNITURE out of them.

Enter these potato clock kits — perfect for the aspiring Irish home decorator. And so easy to put together! I made a clock for the mantel. Then one for my nightstand, another for the kitchen, the car dashboard, the office and a fancy strapped one to wear on my wrist. Everyone oohed and aahed and begorrahed at my kicky potato watch.

I made you an efficient, organic and sustainable wholly-natural hand-crafted timepiece. BUT I EATED IT.

But eventually, I got hungry. And I was all out of “eating potatoes.” So I sacrificed my watch and power-baked those spuds. Little word of advice: if you’re going to microwave your clock taters, it’s best to take the electrodes out first.

Now I need a new microwave. And a new watch. Is there any chance I could make those out of boiled cabbage?

Dollhouse Irish Whiskey and Schnapps Set

My Amazon Review:

I decided not to drown myself in green beer this year — but that doesn’t mean a wee little tipple of the old Irish whisky is out of the question. I wanted something new and fresh, off the beaten path a bit, so I searched out this item.

And what a steal! For just $4.29, a full bottle of authentic Irish whiskey AND schnapps? I’d never heard of this “Dollhouse” distillery before, but how bad could it be? It’s IRISH, for Saint Pat’s sake.

Of course, I was a bit disappointed when the bottles arrived. For one thing, they’re only an inch tall. For another, they’re made out of plastic — and extremely hard to open. When I’d finally wrenched the top off the whiskey bottle, I found the worst part of all — the bottles were EMPTY.

Damn you, letter jockey!!

Which just goes to show — you can’t trust your mailman with ANY amount of booze in the mail. I hope he chokes on my thimbleful of whiskey!

Snake-A-Way Snake Repelling Granules

My Amazon Review:

Nobody’s Irish-er than Saint Patrick — and there’s nothing more Saint Patrick-y than shooing away snakes. So I bought these granules to give it a try. Just imagine — these might be the very same concentrated chemical pellets old Saint Pat used, way back in the whenever-it-was. Amazing!

And they work wonders, too. A while back, I noticed a few small snakes in the back of the yard. So I sprinkled these granules back there, waited a few days and presto! Now all of the snakes are in the FRONT of the yard, near the house. Crawling up the walls, that sort of thing. It’s like a mamba party on my porch, and everyone’s slithering.

Worse yet, now I’m all out of granules. Maybe I’ll pitch a tent and sleep out in the back of the yard, where it’s safe. That seems like the IRISH way.

Oh, to hell with this; I gave it a shot. Erin go WOOOOOOO!!!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!