Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton Does Amazon: Authentic Irish

Zolton Does Amazon: Authentic Irish

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

St. Patrick’s Day is galloping toward us like an Irish setter after a paddy wagon. And while the temptation is strong to do the same old holiday thing — dye myself green, glug down the Guinness and floss leprechaun blarney out of my eyeteeth at four thirty the next morning — this time I’ve decided to do things differently.

Not actually me. I’ve never looked nearly this good on March 18th.

That’s right. This year, I want the real Irish experience. There’s more to Ireland than shamrocks and hangovers — or so I hear — and I want to know: what’s it really like to be Irish on the nation’s most special day? So I went to my number one source online for learning about other cultures and peoples and traditions.

But Wikipedia was down. So, Amazon it is. Read on to see the products I found to represent the true Irish St. Patrick’s Day pride — along with my actual Amazon reviews of everything listed.

There may not be gold at the end of this rainbow — but there’s probably beer. This is Ireland we’re talking about, laddy! Isn’t there always?

The Ginger Survival Guide

My Amazon Review:

Can one TRULY be Irish who isn’t a ginger?

Okay, probably, yes. But most gingers have a bit of the Irish in them — and sometimes the whole shaft. I bought this book to read up on what it’s really like to “live ginger.”

Overall, it doesn’t seem so bad. Hide your freckles. Stay out of the sun. Don’t wear red scarves. Pretty benign stuff.

Sure, that whole “not having a soul” thing could be a bother. But it’s not so bad. I sold mine a while back for an Amazon Prime membership, and I’m doing just fine. Shipped it out for FREE, too. No blarney.

Potato Clock

My Amazon Review:

If you’re going to call yourself Irish — even for a day — you’ve got to know your way around a potato or two. Anyone can boil them or bake them or douse them in au gratin. I wanted something more. I wanted to make FURNITURE out of them.

Enter these potato clock kits — perfect for the aspiring Irish home decorator. And so easy to put together! I made a clock for the mantel. Then one for my nightstand, another for the kitchen, the car dashboard, the office and a fancy strapped one to wear on my wrist. Everyone oohed and aahed and begorrahed at my kicky potato watch.

I made you an efficient, organic and sustainable wholly-natural hand-crafted timepiece. BUT I EATED IT.

But eventually, I got hungry. And I was all out of “eating potatoes.” So I sacrificed my watch and power-baked those spuds. Little word of advice: if you’re going to microwave your clock taters, it’s best to take the electrodes out first.

Now I need a new microwave. And a new watch. Is there any chance I could make those out of boiled cabbage?

Dollhouse Irish Whiskey and Schnapps Set

My Amazon Review:

I decided not to drown myself in green beer this year — but that doesn’t mean a wee little tipple of the old Irish whisky is out of the question. I wanted something new and fresh, off the beaten path a bit, so I searched out this item.

And what a steal! For just $4.29, a full bottle of authentic Irish whiskey AND schnapps? I’d never heard of this “Dollhouse” distillery before, but how bad could it be? It’s IRISH, for Saint Pat’s sake.

Of course, I was a bit disappointed when the bottles arrived. For one thing, they’re only an inch tall. For another, they’re made out of plastic — and extremely hard to open. When I’d finally wrenched the top off the whiskey bottle, I found the worst part of all — the bottles were EMPTY.

Damn you, letter jockey!!

Which just goes to show — you can’t trust your mailman with ANY amount of booze in the mail. I hope he chokes on my thimbleful of whiskey!

Snake-A-Way Snake Repelling Granules

My Amazon Review:

Nobody’s Irish-er than Saint Patrick — and there’s nothing more Saint Patrick-y than shooing away snakes. So I bought these granules to give it a try. Just imagine — these might be the very same concentrated chemical pellets old Saint Pat used, way back in the whenever-it-was. Amazing!

And they work wonders, too. A while back, I noticed a few small snakes in the back of the yard. So I sprinkled these granules back there, waited a few days and presto! Now all of the snakes are in the FRONT of the yard, near the house. Crawling up the walls, that sort of thing. It’s like a mamba party on my porch, and everyone’s slithering.

Worse yet, now I’m all out of granules. Maybe I’ll pitch a tent and sleep out in the back of the yard, where it’s safe. That seems like the IRISH way.

Oh, to hell with this; I gave it a shot. Erin go WOOOOOOO!!!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved