I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
You need a lot of things to stay in shape in the modern age. Willpower. Determination. A crippling-expensive gym membership. Shoes endorsed by the right star athlete. An ex-Marine personal trainer who’d just as soon spit on your corpse as let you off easy on one modified vertical ab crunch.
But most of all — from what I gather from hours of TV commercials — you need the right gear. If you’re wearing the wrong socks or tee or athletic truss, then you’ll never get in shape. You’ll be doomed to a life of slovenly couch-sitting, staring at the boob tube and munching Funyuns as your poorly-clad ass spreads to fill the available space. You might even wind up writing articles on the internet — and nobody wants that.
(For the record, I’m a Fritos man. So there’s some hope.)
Clearly, the right exercise outfit is just what I need to sculpt python arms, buns of steel, a rock-hard core and whatever vaguely phallic analogy the kids use these days to describe muscular legs.
(“Baloney thighs”? “One-eyed garden glutes”? “Calves like a baby’s arm”? It’s so hard to keep up.)
But which athletic togs are right for me? To find out, I super-poked some of the top sporting gear firms on the web. Read on for more — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls.
Just be sure to warm up first. You wouldn’t want to pull a muscle out there. Not in that truss, junior.
Last week, Zolton lathered his fabulous locks with Clairol, Garnier, Head and Shoulders and L’Oreal. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!Permalink | No Comments