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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Saint Patrick’s Day is just around the rainbow, and this year I vowed to be prepared. Patrick is one of the world’s favorite Saints, after all — right behind Nicholas, Pauli Girl, and The New Orleans.
And what’s not to love about St. Patrick’s Day? The wearing of the green, the dancing of the jigs, the doing of the whatever the hell we’re supposed to be doing with the shamrocks, and the drinking — always with the drinking. My kind of people, the Irish. Two pints for breakfast, and it’s down the hatch from there.
I prefer “the wearing of the Guinness”. Although the lack of stripes makes me feel strange. And a little gassy.
But too many years, I’ve sat on the sidelines. I’d get busy or forget the calendar or all my lime-colored togs would be at the cleaners, and bam! Another St. Patrick’s Day missed.
BEER GONE?! ZOLTON ANGRY! ZOLTON SMASH!!
Well, greenless, overpinched and sober is no way to go through life. So this year, I decided to go shamrocks-to-the-wall and stocked up on all my St. Paddy’s Day supplies well in advance, thanks to the good folks at Amazon. Read on to see how my preparations went — and the actual Amazon reviews of all my St. Pat’s purchases. Zolton go Braugh!
My Amazon Review:
I bought this leper mask for a pre-St. Patty’s Day party, and wore it ready to yuk it up with dozens of others in similar costume. But this one is so realistic and detailed, I knew I’d be the talk of the party.
Which I was, but not for the reason I thought. Turns out I had confused ‘lepers’ with ‘leprechauns’ when picking out my getup. Lepers have nothing to do with the holiday — except mabe the hangover the next morning. And everyone at the party was staring at my hideous mask, gaping.
No matter. Like I always say: when life gives you lepers, you make leper ade.
I just explained that I was dressed as the shambling corpse of old zombie Saint Patrick himself, risen from the dead to make merry with the living. I lurched around the party mumbling, ‘Snaaaaaakes… snaaAAAAaaakes…’ for a while, then parked myself by the green punch bowl and had a wonderful time. Or so they tell me.
In short — great party, great costume. Would highly recommend!
My Amazon Review:
St. Paddy’s Day just isn’t the same without a wee tipple or three of the old witches’ brew. Sadly, I couldn’t find real Irish whiskey available for sale on Amazon. So I did the next best thing and bought these fine Irish mustards, made with the very hair of the dog I was looking for.
I’m Irish enough to know that fine whiskey from the old country should be messed with as little as possible. So when the condiments arrived, I filled a nice fresh highball glass with a few ice cubes, scooped in three fingers of wholegrain Irish whiskey mustard, and sipped it by a roaring fire.
Because no single image can capture the full majesty that is the Irish mustard sipping experience.
I can’t say this product was quite as ‘smooth’ as the other Irish whiskeys I’ve had. The color was rich and dark, and I definitely detected a hint of the familiar smoky peat. But most of the other characteristics I was looking for seemed masked — muted somehow by a very front-forward… how should I say it? “Mustardiness,” I think would be the technical term.
I probably wouldn’t recommend sipping this neat. Sadly, this vintage is probably best mixed — perhaps in a whiskey sour, or a mustard julep, or some sort of hot dog-flavored Irish coffee.
My Amazon Review:
Saint Patrick’s Day is all about the ‘green’, so I bought this book to tell me everything I needed to know about the Irish experience. Right off the bat, the subtitle seemed a little strange: ‘Gleaners, Scavengers and Dumpster Divers’? That sounded pretty harsh to me. I mean, sure, they did what they had to do to survive during the Potato Famine — but that was a long, long time ago. Cut the nation some slack already. And did they even _have_ dumpsters in the mid-1800s? Odd choice.
On top of that, the book didn’t tell me much that helped prepare for St. Patrick’s Day. It was just a bunch of essays about people foraging through trash and recycling bins and living off what other people throw away. There were no shamrocks or green beer or snake chasers at all. And certainly no pots o’ gold to be found.
On the good side, I used what I learned to dig through the dumpster behind my local party supply store, and found a veritable treasure trove of barely-damaged, somewhat-torn, possibly-spat-on and marginally-misspelled holiday goodies. This is going to be the best Santi Partickl’s party EVER!!!
My Amazon Review:
When I go all out, I go *ALL*. *OUT*. So I decided to dye my hair green for the holiday this year. Anyone can wear their colors on their sleeve — I can wear mine under a _tiara_. Only I don’t wear a tiara. But I should, because this hair dye move was HARDCORE ROCK STAR.
Unfortunately, I picked the first ‘green dye’ I found in the search, which was this one. Which happens to be for fabrics. And which my hair is not.
That wasn’t a big problem, because it says right in the description that it works on ‘all natural fibers’, which my hair *is*. So I squeezed it out onto my head and massaged it in deep — while I read the rest of the description, which includes the word ‘PERMANENT’. Ouch.
Wait, I’m sorry. That said PERMA-what, now?
The good news is that the dye works like a dream. I got even coating all over, great penetration down to the roots, and the color is as vibrant and rich as a Nicaraguan jungle. Also, those pesky gray hairs I’ve been noticing lately? No longer an issue.
Of course, the bad news is that I’m going to look like an Emerald City troll doll for the next six-to-eight weeks, until my hair grows out. That is, IF my hair grows out.
But no matter. Until then, *every* day is Saint Patrick’s Day, and I get to celebrate it all the way into May. Which is what I was really hoping for in the FIRST place.
My hair is setting, the beer is green, and the drinking goes on through the spring. Stay VERY thirsty, my friends.
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
It’s the last week of October. Fright Night is just around the next shadowy blood-spattered corner, and if you’re anything like me, you’re totally unprepared. You’ve got no costume. The calendar ran you over like a stampede of Frankensteins and bent you over, werewolf-style. All the good costumes are taken, and time’s ticking down like a dismembered heart under the floorboards. What’s a desperate Halloween party guy or ghoul to do?
Not to worry. Whether you’re trolling for candy or passing out goodies this Halloween, there’s still time to costume up for the holiday. Better yet, you can do it on the cheap, without hocking your favorite coffin for cash. Just have a gander at my Halloweening tips below — and my actual Amazon product reviews — for everything you need to put the “Boo!” back in “Booyah!” this Halloween season.
My Amazon Review:
I decided one dead-simple costume would be to dress up as a rugby player. I’ve got the rugby shirts — oh believe me, I’ve got the rugby shirts — so I figured I’d strap on a pair of athletic shorts and some knee-high socks and be done with it. But when I did it felt — and looked — as though something was missing.
That’s when I remembered what they say about serious rugby players: they tape back their ears. So I bought some of this surgical tape to pin the old antennae back. That’s when I found out there was more to the story. Apparently, the true rugby jocks tape down anything that might get pulled, tweaked, yanked, tugged or clawed at.
“Anything?”, I thought. Yes. ANY. THING.
And now no one can pull my nose hair on the field. Outstanding.
So I bought a couple more rolls and went to work. The tape adhered well, stuck true, and the only problem came later when I tried to take all that tape off. I’d taped down all manner of other delicate fleshy bits, and some of them didn’t give up the tape so easily.
By the time I’d unstuck myself, I’d sprained a finger, pulled off an eyebrow and accidentally given myself some sort of reverse Brazilian wax Mohawk, right down the middle of the runway. So my chief complaint with the tape is that it wasn’t liberally coated with Bactine when I applied it. Otherwise, good stuff.
My Amazon Review:
As I brainstormed costume ideas, I thought: what’s the most minimal outfit possible? Clearly, it’s the flasher. The entire set of instructions for constructing a flasher costume go like this: Buy trenchcoat. Remove clothes. Wear trenchcoat.
That’s it. One piece, no fuss, and you pray for warm weather through the first of November. The trick is to find a cheap coat to use, and this one fits the bill perfectly. For forty bucks, I got a coat made from some macabre patchwork mess of hides. Maybe they’re all from cows, sure. Maybe they’re all made from skin. And maybe not — how should I know? For all I can tell, three dozen naugas lost their skins to this thing. Or maybe it’s one big guinea pig graveyard.
Am I wearing clothes under this thing? Only my coatdresser — and old Mrs. Franklin in 4D — know for sure.
Don’t know; don’t care. All I know is, when I wear this costume to parties, all the ladies gather round to have a look.
Or to laugh at the nasty green rash this thing is giving me. Does this mean I’m allergic to chinchilla carcasses? I need a ruling over here.
My Amazon Review:
“Drunken Mardi Gras tourist chick” is one of the easiest costumes to pull off. Throw on a few of these beads, choke down some cocktails, and the illusion, as they say, is complete. Simple.
And there’s always the option of giving away a string or two of beads to a charming young lady friend, to see if she knows the proper “thank you for the Mardi Gras beads!” response. (Which is not “thank you for the Mardi Gras beads!”)
Under the rugby, you shall find … ONLY MORE RUGBY!
Sadly, my only Halloween parties this year were a family gathering and a soiree at my grandma’s Old Folks’ Home. So the bead bartering was rather tame and uneventful — except for old Mrs. Patterson barking at me to “show off what God gave ya, sonny!”
An extra dose of Ovaltine, and Mrs. P. was sound asleep, which is probably for the best. She’s a sweet old bird, but let’s just say there aren’t enough Hurricanes in the world. Not enough. In the WORLD.
My Amazon Review:
I could’ve spent a fortune dressing up like a doctor — lab coat, stethoscope, golf clubs, malpractice lawyer. But what really defines a physician? What one accessory screams out “hey, doc!” like no other, for pennies on the dollar?
THE EXAM GLOVES. You walk around with a pair of these puppies on, and it doesn’t matter what else you’re wearing — people just ASSUME “doctor.”
Or “mad scientist,” I suppose. Or these days, “TSA screener.” So I went the extra mile, to make sure my implied costume was unmistakable:
Why does no one ever want one of my hand-crafted unwrapped nougat chunks? I made them myself!
I only wear ONE glove. And there’s nobody — but nobody — on the planet who wears just one rubber glove, save for a very … particular sort of doctor. It’s a brilliant costume. It cost next to nothing. And no one fights me for potato chips at the snack table at Halloween parties. This may well be the PERFECT costume. Moon River, baby. Moon. River.
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Staying healthy these days is a royal pain in the sedentary butt. People in the old days had it so much easier — they went to work in the factories at age eight, slaved for eighteen hours a day, lived in filth and died at thirty. They didn’t worry about free radicals or bad cholesterol or high-fructose gruel syrup.
Worse, modern doctoring can’t keep up with all of our sniffles and syndromes. So I turned to “alternative medicine” to cure what ails me. Or rather, “alternative alternative medicine”, based on what little I know — and what I could cobble together from the products on Amazon. Read on to learn about my holistic health hijinx — and for my actual Amazon product reviews. It’ll kick your qi in the keister.
My Amazon Review:
I keep hearing about the miracles of the ancient Asian art of acupuncture. But genuine “therapeutic” needles cost a fortune — do they come with an ancient Asian to apply them, or what? You’d think Mr. Miyagi was going to jump out of the shipping box and “wax on” the needles under your epidermis.
I decided to try a more frugal route and bought these skewers for acupuncture, instead. They’re sturdy, easy to handle, and built to last whether you’re poking a pain-preventing pressure point or piercing a perky peppered pork chop. And best of all, if I use them for medicinal purposes after I’ve used them for skewering, everywhere I press smells like shish kabob. And if THAT won’t make you feel better about life, I don’t know what will.
The only medical treatment I know that comes with an optional “marinating” step.
My Amazon Review:
Magnetic therapy is supposed to help with joint aches and pains. I’ve had trouble with a wonky back, so I bought one of these to rub on the sore spots for relief. It’s like Ben Gay, without the mess or the awful smell. Or, say, scientific evidence of any use whatsoever. But who ever let “science” stand in the way of getting well?
I saw the package when I got home one evening this week, ripped it open, and immediately applied the magnet to my lower back. It didn’t help right away — until it slipped out of my hand into my wallet pocket, turning all my credit cards effectively into drink coasters. Once I’d cleared all the now-useless plastic out of my wallet, I sat more level — and my back pain went away. Behold the mysterious power of magnet healing!
My Amazon Review:
I’ve had a little piece of pencil lead stuck in my knee for years. I’ve never been able to get it out, and who knows how it’s been festering all this time? I figured rather than cut it out — because who wants THAT mess? — I’d turn to “psychic surgery” to remove the offending bit of graphite from my person.
Unfortunately, this product isn’t an actual psychic surgeon, or even a book on how to perform the procedure. It’s just a Magic card that doesn’t seem to DO anything about my problem, no matter what I do with it. Even if I scrape at my knee with the corner. Lazy stupid card.
One geek friend of mine says it would work if I just “tap more mana.” I’m not sure what in the heck that even means — and where am I supposed to get an island and a swamp at this time of night, anyway? From CVS? Forget it. I’ll just wait for the graphite to break down in my blood stream. That should only take fourteen hundred years or so. I can wait.
My Amazon Review:
If pop culture and old James Bond films have taught us anything, it’s that voodoo dolls are scary good juju. Or bad juju. Or filled with jujubes. Something like that. But they’re powerful stuff, any way you stick them.
I suffered a nasty mosquito bite on my leg this week, and it simply wouldn’t stop itching. Rather than turn to a “doctor” or “calamine lotion” to cure it — because what do THEY know? — I pulled out the voodoo doll that comes with this hot sauce. I found the approximate spot on the doll corresponding to my itch, and gave it a solid jab with a needle for relief.
On a scale of 1 to 5, I’d rate my current pain level as VOODOO ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
When I came to, I was lying on my kitchen floor writhing in pain. I managed to pull the pin out, which stopped the searing stabs shooting down my leg — but the itch was still there. So I compromised, and rubbed some of the hot sauce onto the bite instead. That burned sort of quite a lot, too, but at least I can still walk. And the itch is gone, and now I know what a hot wing drumstick feels like. I’m calling that “progress.”
As usual, my best medical “alternative” was in reach all along. Bottoms up, health nuts!
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
We may have reached March on the calendar, but we’re not out of the woods. And by “woods,” I mean danger. And by “danger,” I mean sickness. And by “sickness,” I mean that nasty feverish disease you catch from people who French kiss pigeons and hogs.
No, not that disease. I’m talking about the influenza bug.
We’re still in the heart of flu season, and this is no time to let down your guard. Just one slip — a single untimely inhale — and you could be bedridden for weeks with the bird flu, or gecko flu, or albino chinchilla flu or whichever one we’re supposed to panic about next. And everyone knows that flu shots are only for old people and pig smoochers; so how do the rest of us protect ourselves?
Fear not, susceptible citizens, for I come bearing a bevy of common items — conveniently available from Amazon.com — that can be used to stave off the dread influenza bug. Read on for my actual Amazon reviews of these products, and for the information you need to keep the doctor away this flu season:
My Amazon Review:
I’ve never liked those surgical-style “isolation” masks for keeping germs out — they’re too flimsy and papery, and the elastic bands pinch my ears. I figured the “foam lined cups” and “adjustable stretch straps” featured in this product would be far more comfortable — and even better, each bra is two masks in one!
I’m happy to say that the fit is a dream; the straps gently caress my ears, and the cups are so silky smooth I sometimes forget I’m wearing it. And with the right adjustment, the underwire slips right under my chin for a snug fit. After a little experimentation, I found that my nose is about a 36C cup — you may need to try a couple of sizes to get a proper fit.
Why does everything smell like milk and awesome today?
My only complaint is that the straps sometimes slip off my ears, so I’ve gotten in the habit of fastening the hooks behind my head to prevent slippage. But I’ve never been able to unhook those things without looking, so I can never get it back off. More than once, I’ve had to sleep in my bra-mask overnight. Other than that — great product!
My Amazon Review:
One of the most important precautions you can take for flu prevention is protecting your personal space. If a “carrier” can’t get close enough to spew phlem and saliva and germs at you, the better chance you have at staying healthy. Sneezes can come at you at over 100 miles an hour — even Neo couldn’t dodge that kind of speeding sick!
I’ve found these bases to be invaluable as a flu prevention tool. I simply lace my arms through the back straps and gently nudge away anyone who threatens to enter the “spittle radius” — or bop them out of the way as I pass through. For especially persistent targets — or any woozy-looking pigeons — I’ll mount a couple on my shins as well and savegely kick the offenders away. I even bought some extra sets, so when I ride the subway to work I can build a little base fort to keep the close talkers and over-chummy winos at bay. Macgregor, you’re a life saver!
You’re rounding third and heading for PAIN, sparky.
My Amazon Review:
My dilemma has always been what to do about people who clearly already have the flu, but won’t voluntarily choose to be fevered and miserable in the privacy of their own homes. If they show up at my office or food court, I can’t just lock them in a closet or stash them in my trunk until they’re no longer a danger. What’s a law-abiding flu-ophobe to do?
Thank goodness I stumbled onto this product. It’s clearly marked as “flu tape” to be used on people with high temperatures. I carry a roll everywhere I go now, and if I run into someone with the sniffles or a bad cough — even a mild sore throat — I immediately sit them down and wrap them head-to-toe in this wonderful therapeutic gauze.
Another happy — and healthy! — flu tape customer.
Naturally I start with the mouth — to protect myself from airborne contamination — so they don’t have the chance to thank me. But even the first application seems to breathe new energy into them. Right away, they go from congested and foggy to wide-eyed and energetic, as they hop around in their chairs and bellow for joy. I don’t know what kind of medicine this stuff is coated with, but it sure works wonders.
As an aside, it seems like this tape might work pretty well on sealing fireplace joints and stovepipes, too. But who’d want to waste such a miracle product on something like that?
My Amazon Review:
Protecting my hands from germs is always a top priority. I wash and rinse and disinfect, but I wanted a less high-maintenance solution. Like gloves. Only not latex gloves — those feel all rubbery and clinical and when I wear them people always mistake me for a proctologist. Or worse.
On the other hand, I needed a pair of winter gloves, so I bought these and started wearing them whenever I’m in public. It’s mostly working out great — except when I’m in the office. I type a lot at my job, and these are way too thick to accurately hit the right keys. So I’ve been forced to “touch type” by holding an old coffee stirrer I found under my desk. Only, I don’t want to get my sanitary gloves dirty, so I have to hold it in my mouth.
These gloves make me so healthy, I can TASTE it!
It’s just possible I’m undoing a tiny bit of the germ-freeness that I’m cultivating with these gloves. But I haven’t found a better solution yet. Do they make tongue mittens? Or coffee stirrer disinfectant? Oversized keyboards with buttons the size of beer coasters? I’m sure the perfect answer is out there, if I continue to look.
Meanwhile, I don’t feel so good. I think I might be coming down with something.
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
They say we are what we eat. That might have been fine back when we were stuffing our gullets full of nuts and berries and spicy pterodactyl wings, but these days its a scary prospect. Our food could be crawling with preservatives, pesticides, spermicides, bug poop, bird spit and itsy bitsy spider whiz.
Also, that old guy in the cranberry juice ads? I hear he dips his junk in the bog between takes.
So I’m always on the lookout for ways to ensure my food is safe. And for me, “on the lookout” means “frantically searching Amazon.com for help”. If you’re anything like me, you want your nuts spotless, your Ding Dong unadulterated and your melons firm and thumpable. If that sounds tasty to you, then read on for my actual Amazon reviews of these amazing home food safety products.
Because you can never be too careful about what you put in your body. I want to be made of pure pork rinds and Redi Whip, not whatever unsavory contaminants might be hopping along for the ride. That’s just not healthy.
My Amazon Review:
An ear of corn is a pretty filthy food. It grows out of the ground, which is practically MADE of dirt. Then it hangs out in the air, where any bird, bug or Bubba can wander by and sully it. And that’s just before its picked! I’ve heard stories about the things people do with corn on the cob that’d make you want to shuck your own ears. The ones on your face. And on your cornstalks.
(Some people say those are just jokes. But every joke contains a kernel of truth. And sometimes, a whole cob.)
So I bought this broom, which is apparently specifically designed for decontaminating corn. Now I give the ears a few swipes each, and I can be confident that my corn is free of germs, junk and just about anything else I wouldn’t want glommed on my cob. And it works on all corn products, too — corn chips, corn nuts, corn tortillas, popcorn, candy corns, corn dogs, you name it. Ears to food safety!
Bristles on my niblets have never felt so good!
My Amazon Review:
This baby is the Rolls-Royce of food cleaning technology. From the product features, it “Decontaminates, Disinfects, Deodorizes.” It goes the extra mile because obviously, nobody wants the food they’re about to eat to smell like anything. The nano-silver coating comes in a scale they call the “nonometer,” which I always thought was a tool for measuring sexual stimulation. And though the description doesn’t say much about their “Ultrasonic” feature, I assume it’s probably the code name for a new Power Ranger or something, who simply beats the germs and dirt right out of the food.
Personally, I love it. I feel safer knowing my food has been blasted with silver and superheroes to get it squeaky clean for eating. I just wish this was more than a “SOUL Food Washer”. I’m getting tired of eating nothing but hushpuppies, okra and collard greens. How about a little variety, Mr. Ultrasonic, sir?
My Amazon Review:
Fruit is an especially tricky type of food to keep safe, what with all the chemicals and dyes and angry moose hormones they use these days. I make sure all of my fruit is heated to a safe temperature to break down all of that goop, so I can enjoy a nice fruit salad without fear of an allergic reaction or hideous mutation.
That’s why this oil is a godsend for a strawberry lover like me. All of my other fruit, I have to heat manually. I spend more time blowing on my banana or frantically rubbing melons than I do actually putting them in my mouth. It’s exhausting.
As a matter of fact, ladies, those ARE my berries in the bowl, AND I’m happy to see you.
Not so with strawberries. I simply drop my berries into a bowl, massage in a little of this oil, and they rise to the perfect temperature for any application. I can plop my warm berries on top of a cake, mash them into a pie or let the whole family enjoy them with a dollop of whipped cream. Double-plus recommended!
My Amazon Review:
Occasionally, I’ll indulge in a food that maybe isn’t so healthy for me, like a hot dog. But I still want to be sure there’s no filth or gunk hanging around my Oscar Meyer. That’s where this Weener Kleener soap comes in.
I wouldn’t dream of slapping my weener in a bun before I give it a good scrubbing with the Weener Kleener. As others have pointed out, the hole in the soap is a little too large for your average American frank. It works better with the larger specimens — the Polish or Italian sausages, or German brats, for instance. Otherwise, you can try cleaning two or three at the same time, if you’re the type who doesn’t mind squeezing weeners together like that.
I have never in my life seen a salami so… so… CLEAN!
I guarantee that using the Weener Kleener at your next barbecue, cookout or bar mitzvah — it works on kosher dogs, too! — will make you the “top dog” at the party. But remember — if you clean it more than once, you’re just playing with your food.
Ah, screw these food safety gizmos. Alcohol kills EVERYTHING, right?
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
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