Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton Does Amazon: A Lean Mean Halloween

Zolton Does Amazon: A Lean Mean Halloween

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

It’s the last week of October. Fright Night is just around the next shadowy blood-spattered corner, and if you’re anything like me, you’re totally unprepared. You’ve got no costume. The calendar ran you over like a stampede of Frankensteins and bent you over, werewolf-style. All the good costumes are taken, and time’s ticking down like a dismembered heart under the floorboards. What’s a desperate Halloween party guy or ghoul to do?

Not to worry. Whether you’re trolling for candy or passing out goodies this Halloween, there’s still time to costume up for the holiday. Better yet, you can do it on the cheap, without hocking your favorite coffin for cash. Just have a gander at my Halloweening tips below — and my actual Amazon product reviews — for everything you need to put the “Boo!” back in “Booyah!” this Halloween season.

White Surgical Tape

My Amazon Review:

I decided one dead-simple costume would be to dress up as a rugby player. I’ve got the rugby shirts — oh believe me, I’ve got the rugby shirts — so I figured I’d strap on a pair of athletic shorts and some knee-high socks and be done with it. But when I did it felt — and looked — as though something was missing.

That’s when I remembered what they say about serious rugby players: they tape back their ears. So I bought some of this surgical tape to pin the old antennae back. That’s when I found out there was more to the story. Apparently, the true rugby jocks tape down anything that might get pulled, tweaked, yanked, tugged or clawed at.

“Anything?”, I thought. Yes. ANY. THING.

And now no one can pull my nose hair on the field. Outstanding.

So I bought a couple more rolls and went to work. The tape adhered well, stuck true, and the only problem came later when I tried to take all that tape off. I’d taped down all manner of other delicate fleshy bits, and some of them didn’t give up the tape so easily.

By the time I’d unstuck myself, I’d sprained a finger, pulled off an eyebrow and accidentally given myself some sort of reverse Brazilian wax Mohawk, right down the middle of the runway. So my chief complaint with the tape is that it wasn’t liberally coated with Bactine when I applied it. Otherwise, good stuff.

Leather Trench Coat

My Amazon Review:

As I brainstormed costume ideas, I thought: what’s the most minimal outfit possible? Clearly, it’s the flasher. The entire set of instructions for constructing a flasher costume go like this: Buy trenchcoat. Remove clothes. Wear trenchcoat.

That’s it. One piece, no fuss, and you pray for warm weather through the first of November. The trick is to find a cheap coat to use, and this one fits the bill perfectly. For forty bucks, I got a coat made from some macabre patchwork mess of hides. Maybe they’re all from cows, sure. Maybe they’re all made from skin. And maybe not — how should I know? For all I can tell, three dozen naugas lost their skins to this thing. Or maybe it’s one big guinea pig graveyard.

Am I wearing clothes under this thing? Only my coatdresser — and old Mrs. Franklin in 4D — know for sure.

Don’t know; don’t care. All I know is, when I wear this costume to parties, all the ladies gather round to have a look.

Or to laugh at the nasty green rash this thing is giving me. Does this mean I’m allergic to chinchilla carcasses? I need a ruling over here.

Mardi Gras Beads

My Amazon Review:

“Drunken Mardi Gras tourist chick” is one of the easiest costumes to pull off. Throw on a few of these beads, choke down some cocktails, and the illusion, as they say, is complete. Simple.

And there’s always the option of giving away a string or two of beads to a charming young lady friend, to see if she knows the proper “thank you for the Mardi Gras beads!” response. (Which is not “thank you for the Mardi Gras beads!”)

Under the rugby, you shall find … ONLY MORE RUGBY!

Sadly, my only Halloween parties this year were a family gathering and a soiree at my grandma’s Old Folks’ Home. So the bead bartering was rather tame and uneventful — except for old Mrs. Patterson barking at me to “show off what God gave ya, sonny!”

An extra dose of Ovaltine, and Mrs. P. was sound asleep, which is probably for the best. She’s a sweet old bird, but let’s just say there aren’t enough Hurricanes in the world. Not enough. In the WORLD.

Blue Nitrile Gloves

My Amazon Review:

I could’ve spent a fortune dressing up like a doctor — lab coat, stethoscope, golf clubs, malpractice lawyer. But what really defines a physician? What one accessory screams out “hey, doc!” like no other, for pennies on the dollar?

THE EXAM GLOVES. You walk around with a pair of these puppies on, and it doesn’t matter what else you’re wearing — people just ASSUME “doctor.”

Or “mad scientist,” I suppose. Or these days, “TSA screener.” So I went the extra mile, to make sure my implied costume was unmistakable:

Why does no one ever want one of my hand-crafted unwrapped nougat chunks? I made them myself!

I only wear ONE glove. And there’s nobody — but nobody — on the planet who wears just one rubber glove, save for a very … particular sort of doctor. It’s a brilliant costume. It cost next to nothing. And no one fights me for potato chips at the snack table at Halloween parties. This may well be the PERFECT costume. Moon River, baby. Moon. River.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved