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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Like a lot of people, I wake up thirsty most mornings. Whether that’s just a normal sleepytime phenomenon or I have a lot of dreams where I’m French-kissing a giant marshmallow is neither here nor there.
It’s not weird. No, YOU shut up.
Anyway, I don’t want to get up and grab the same old drink as everyone else. I want something more exciting. Coffee gets old after a while. Water is boring. Milk is for babies and people with Colonel Sanders mustache envy. And tequila — well, there’s nothing wrong with a tall cold glass of tequila in the morning. Until you find yourself brushing your teeth with Aqua Velva and splashing Pepsodent behind your ears. The worm giveth, verily — but the worm mostly taketh away.
In my quest for a new go-to breakfast quaff, I found several candidates worth a closer look — and taste. Read on for my reviews — and my actual Facebook posts — of some truly exciting breakfast beverage choices. It might just change the way you wake up in the morning.
Or you might stick to the tequila. Old habitos are hard to break, si?
My first drink of choice was an oldie — V8. But what I never knew is that it’s also a not-so-baddie. That didn’t sound right to me, but V8 basically ignored my protest:
Clearly, they only want me for my caber.
Next, I tried one of Odwalla‘s excellent smoothies — delicious, earth-conscious and large flightless bird-free. I just wish I knew how the empty bottle works:
Tropicana makes honest, straightforward orange juice, which is great. They also make these crazy ‘Trop50‘ products — and they have a crazy shill to match:
Finally, I went a little… uh, kooky myself when I discovered one of Silk‘s fancy products. I guess even a blind squirrel can find a… well, you know:
So did I come up empty in my thirst for breakfast bev knowledge? I dunno; ask Jose Cuervo. He’s been taking all my calls since seven thirty this morning. Happy breakfast, hombres!
Last week, Zolton got in touch with his agricultural side with Hillshire, State, Pepperidge and Boone’s Farms. Want to join in on the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Most Christmas gift-giving is easy. For friends and loved ones, the really important gifts for loved ones practically buy themselves. By the time December rolls around, you know who’s getting the big-ticket items — a diamond ring, the new car parked in the living room for no particular reason, that fancy new iBrator she’s been asking about for months.
But what about the ‘Others’? The people you don’t actually like or need or want to share oxygen with, but are expecting a Christmas present anyway? The mothers-in-law and catty neighbors and dyslexic mailmen of the world — what in the name of Santa’s plus-size Jockeys do you get those cretins?
Never fear, gentle reader, for you’ve stumbled onto Zolton’s Yuletide Guide to Passive-Aggressive Gifting. With this guide, three spare minutes and a little help from Amazon, you too can send presents that deliver just the right holiday message. Assuming your message begins with, “Look, bitch!”, of course.
So for everyone on your list who you’d like to tell to go stuff it in a stocking, it’s the Yuletide Guide to Passive-Aggressive Gifting: Where every gift begins with “GUH!”
My Amazon Review:
What gift says to someone “I don’t especially like you”? An ant farm has to be high on the list. Basically, you’re asking the recipient to display live insects in their living room, while opening wide the possibility of future breakage, nasty carpet stains and years of six-legged infestations. See, THAT’S a gift that keeps on giving.
Now if you load the farm full of radioactive blue gunk to draw even more attention to it, AND make the givee actually order their own ants through the mail, then you’ve really sent a holiday message. And I think that message is: “I would totally plant evidence in your basement to frame you for a crime.”
I bought one each of these for my boss, my dentist, my tax auditor and the guy next door who rakes his leaves into my yard. O joyous day.
My Amazon Review:
There’s nothing sexy or personal about giving health-related presents at Christmas. Even less so when the item is cold, gooey and smells like the inside of an old tuna can. That never stopped Aunt Margie from making her special holiday “Jell-O Surprise” — but that’s a different problem.
I bought two three-packs of this supplement for my mother-in-law, to show that at least I’m concerned for her cardiovascular health. I figured it would make a good stocking stuffer. But I also know how she feels about “store-bought” pies or candies around the holidays. When she hung her stockings after Thanksgiving, I snuck over and poured the bottles in — so when Christmas morning rolls around, maybe she’ll think I made it myself.
O Santa! Why hast thou forsaken me?
In the meantime, she can’t figure out why all the neighborhood cats are trying to climb down her chimney. I’d tell her, but I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
My Amazon Review:
One Chipmunks song is tolerable. Maybe. Two songs, or a tune repeated, is obnoxious. More than two Chipmunks songs in any twelve-month period is cruel and unusual punishment. So what’s an entire ALBUM of Chipmunks songs, that can be played over and over and over by a gaggle of squealing children?
Do you hear what I hear? Then KILL it! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!
Why, the perfect Christmas gift for the lady next door who lets her kids trample my wife’s flower bed every spring. Also? DELICIOUS REVENGE.
By Track 3, I expect to see the woman running screaming from her house in agony. I hear Track 4 was used on prisoners in Gitmo, after waterboarding was outlawed. Track 7 — featuring Celine Dion, no less — is specifically outlawed in an amendment to the Geneva Convention. If she lasts through the entire CD, I’ll be superbly impressed.
And then her kids will beg to play it again. And again. And once more before bed. God, I love the holidays.
My Amazon Review:
I bought one of these for my cousin Ted last Christmas. Cousin Ted isn’t especially a fan of Christmas. Or children. Or small, needy, squirming objects sitting on his lap. Cousin Ted should’ve thought of all that before he “decided” not to be in the family gift swap back in ’08, AFTER he drew my name.
Because now Cousin Ted has a Santa suit. And the whole family — including all sorts of squirmy, grabby, squealing little children — KNOWS that Cousin Ted has a Santa suit. Therefore, Cousin Ted == Santa.
It didn’t pay off right away. But so far this December, Ted’s played the fat man for two nephews’ birthday parties, a Peewee football fundraiser and a school play, reporting that the outfit is “itchy,” “sweaty” and “like a red flannel prison.” He’s starting to make the Grinch look like George Bailey. Oh, well — at least one of us is jolly!
Not actually my cousin Ted. But it might as well be. Yaaaaay Christmas!
You can help with this prank! Click the links above to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Not everyone has a fabulous head of hair. Between the baldies, the stringies, the frayers, the receders, the flatsos and the mulletheads, there are an awful lot of people walking around out there with substandard tresses.
So when you have a resplendent set of follicles like mine — I mean, seriously, look at that hair; it’d make Samson jealous, or those chicks that used to be in ABBA — you take proper care of it. Do they polish the Hope Diamond with a filthy rag and a spritz of Windex? No, they do not. Probably. And thus, for these luxurious locks, no ordinary shampoo will do.
The question is, what’s the best ‘poo for the job? To find out, I asked some of the world’s leading hair-care companies for information about their products. Check out the results — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls — below. Will I finally get the super scalpular scrubbing I so richly deserve?
Only my hairdresser knows for sure. Lather up!
The post:
The post:
The post:
The post:
Last week, Zolton gave ‘thanks’ (sort of) to Green Giant, Libby’s, Ocean Spray and Butterball. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Farming is a hot topic these days. Politicians argue about agriculture subsidies, shoppers grouse about which hormones are being shot into which chickens’ hoohoos, and the PETA hippies complain about cows being “confined” in pens that are larger than my current apartment.
Those bitches eat from a trough, don’t have to wear pants, and get milked twice a day. We should all be so lucky.
And now the farmers are even on the YouTube. Shouldn’t they be raising wheat or threshing bacon or something? Slopping pork on the back forty, or some other obvious reference to bestiality?
Me, I’m a city kid. And all this hubbub convinced me that I didn’t know enough about farms — or my favorite products produced there. So naturally, I turned to Facebook for some answers. Hey, they have FarmVille over there — somebody must have learned something from all that goat-clicking nonsense.
Read on to see what I discovered about the farm life, from my actual Facebook posts to some of the most popular “farm”-ers around. All that’s missing is Old McDonald. E-I-E-I-heyo!
First, I visited the fine frying folks at Hillshire Farm — why? Because “GO, MEAT!”, that’s why.
I say any company with a catchphrase that works equally well at the hibachi or in the bedroom deserves a little enthusiasm. Other people have been… harder to convince. But Hillshire digs my style:
The recent ads for State Farm make a compelling case for insuring your worthless crap with them. So I bit, expecting the “good neighbor” treatment. Instead, they played music all night and left a flaming bag of poo on my porch:
Remember when snacks were healthy and unprocessed, and provided lots of vitamins and minerals for growing children? Pepperidge Farm remembers! Or maybe they don’t:
All this farm work made me powerful thirsty. So I moseyed down to Boones Farm for a tipple. But not just any old Ripple tipple would do:
So do I know anything more about farming now? Not really. But my car’s insured, I had a sandwich and a snack, and I’m halfway to a hangover. Suck that, agriculture!
Last week, Zolton spent his Independence Day bothering Char-Broil, Perdue Chicken, Coppertone and Taittinger. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
When you’ve been married as long as I have, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Every bag of trash you didn’t empty, every pair of underpants that missed the hamper, every toilet seat left raised high at attention — these misdeeds and un-chores pile up over the years until there’s no possible way to settle the score with your wife. You could give her a tiara made from pure gold, the Hope Diamond, Fabio’s hair, and one of James Taylor’s vocal chords, and you’d still be in the hole.
(Also, the police would probably have some rather interesting questions to ask you. You might even get a CSI episode out of it.)
With this kind of insurmountable marital deficit, it’s no wonder husbands pamper their wives on Valentine’s Day, giving their way-ahead honeys exactly what they want on this special day, when we celebrate the beheading of some wicked-old sassmouth goombah saint. Because let’s face it — one more pair of used BVDs slung over the bedroom doorknob, and the same thing might happen to us.
So the wise among us spend months planning the perfect day, the perfect gifts, the perfect cards — with writing inside — and the perfect hamper aim. Those men are wise, indeed.
The rest of us wait until the 12th, and shop last-minute on Amazon for something that’ll keep us sleeping in the same bed at night. That’s what I did, and it went just about as horrifically as you might guess. Read on for my Valentine’s Day selections — and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed.
Did they help me catch up to my wife? No. Matter of fact, she got mad and sent me to the doghouse.
Artist’s rendition only. My hair is MUCH more fabulous — and I could never build a doghouse that nice.
On the bright side, as long as the dog keeps peeing on the carpet, at least I’ve got more points than her. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
My Amazon Review:
This vase seemed like the perfect vessel for a dozen roses for my sweetheart. Delicate yet ornate, hand-crafted, and deeply hued, I bought it as the showpiece for twelve blooms representing my undying love. When the vase arrived, I couldn’t have been more pleased — if anything, it’s more mesmerizing in person. With swelling pride, I presented the vase of roses to my wife as a Valentine’s Day surprise.
“Look, honey, I brung you some purdy- BUH-WHAAAA?”
That’s when I realized that I was so caught up in buying this vase, I’d forgotten to buy any roses. Basically, I handed her a big red jug full of water. That doesn’t say “I love you.” Maybe “you look thirsty, Tex.” But not “I love you.” Outside of Brokeback Mountain, those aren’t the same things. AT. ALL.
My Amazon Review:
Sometimes it helps to have a visual aid to show your snookums how much you love her. Some guys throw their arms wide, or talk about filling the oceans with love. Other guys get out a foot-long ruler, and wave it around suggestively.
Me, I always tell my missus that I love her “a whole basketful!” So I decided to buy a basket and fill it with goodies, to help her grasp the significance.
What if I filled it with tiny little bottles of booze? Those make EVERYTHING better.
Unfortunately, I didn’t check the dimensions of these baskets beforehand. And I ended up with just a little teeny weeny one to show her. It didn’t even have room for goodies. I could have maybe dropped a couple of TicTacs in there, but that’s about it.
When I showed her my “basket of love,” she laughed and laughed and went on about how tiny and “cute” it was. Very emasculating. Now I’ve got a bad case of the “wicker envy.”
My Amazon Review:
What more can you give your beloved on Valentine’s Day than your very heart?
A necklace, I was told when I handed this one over. Or a tennis bracelet. She would have also accepted a spa coupon, Amazon gift certificate, Manicure of the Month club, an ice cream sundae, three sticks of Big Red chewing gum, or a homemade action figure of herself made from pipe cleaners and paper clips.
Instead, she got a horrifying real-life blood-and-guts plastic heart.
Say what you like about romance. I still maintain my gift was more apropo.
My Amazon Review:
I’ve always heard that chocolates are a good bet for Valentine’s Day. But why risk the possibility that your snuggle bunny will snarf her way through those malted milk balls or Whitman sampler, and then forget all about you? This seemed like a good way for us BOTH to enjoy a chocolate treat.
Or so I thought. My wife made a big fuss over these, calling me ‘crass’ and ‘gross’ and ‘crude’ when I gifted them to her.
Of course, then she disappeared into the bedroom with them and slammed the door behind her. By the time I was allowed back in, the choco-condoms were gone. Where and how, I don’t know. But the room smelled faintly of fudge and industrial plastic all day. Now I’m hoping all she did was make fondue.
YOU’VE MADE A POWERFUL ENEMY TODAY, FOOLISH EMPTY VASE!
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
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