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Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Thanksgiving Dinner

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and many people will tell you that this is a time for gratitude, a day to bond with friends and family, and to reflect on all of the things in life to be thankful for.

Horse puckey.

Thanksgiving is all about eating. This is the one day when American adults can skip work, shove fourteen pounds of food down our gullet and pass out on the couch in a tryptophan-induced haze, dreaming of the turkey-and-mashed-potato sandwiches to come.

(Or as Kevin James calls it: "Thursday".)

In fact, there are only three rules for a successful Thanksgiving:

1. Pace yourself. You don't want to blow a colon on Thursday night, with three days of leftovers still to eat.
2. Cook your stuffing separately. If you wouldn't cram it up your own cavity, don't shove it up your bird's.
3. Everything is better with gravy. Don't argue. Just pour.

In the true spirit of Thanksgiving, I reached out to a few of the biggest holiday food icons for advice on how to make my Turkey Day nosh a beast of a feast. Read on for the details -- and my actual posts on the companies' Facebook walls -- to spruce up your own gobbler extravaganza.

And that's something we can all be thankful for. Turkey on, citizens.

Green Giant

The post:

Wait... what did he just call me?!


The post:

Ocean Spray

The post:


The post:

Last week, Zolton 'propositioned' the likes of Nature's Path, Clif Bar, Organic Valley, Brad's Raw Chips and more. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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