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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Faaaaarm Livin'!

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Farming is a hot topic these days. Politicians argue about agriculture subsidies, shoppers grouse about which hormones are being shot into which chickens' hoohoos, and the PETA hippies complain about cows being "confined" in pens that are larger than my current apartment.

Those bitches eat from a trough, don't have to wear pants, and get milked twice a day. We should all be so lucky.

And now the farmers are even on the YouTube. Shouldn't they be raising wheat or threshing bacon or something? Slopping pork on the back forty, or some other obvious reference to bestiality?

Me, I'm a city kid. And all this hubbub convinced me that I didn't know enough about farms -- or my favorite products produced there. So naturally, I turned to Facebook for some answers. Hey, they have FarmVille over there -- somebody must have learned something from all that goat-clicking nonsense.

Read on to see what I discovered about the farm life, from my actual Facebook posts to some of the most popular "farm"-ers around. All that's missing is Old McDonald. E-I-E-I-heyo!

First, I visited the fine frying folks at Hillshire Farm -- why? Because "GO, MEAT!", that's why.

I say any company with a catchphrase that works equally well at the hibachi or in the bedroom deserves a little enthusiasm. Other people have been... harder to convince. But Hillshire digs my style:

The recent ads for State Farm make a compelling case for insuring your worthless crap with them. So I bit, expecting the "good neighbor" treatment. Instead, they played music all night and left a flaming bag of poo on my porch:

Remember when snacks were healthy and unprocessed, and provided lots of vitamins and minerals for growing children? Pepperidge Farm remembers! Or maybe they don't:

All this farm work made me powerful thirsty. So I moseyed down to Boones Farm for a tipple. But not just any old Ripple tipple would do:

So do I know anything more about farming now? Not really. But my car's insured, I had a sandwich and a snack, and I'm halfway to a hangover. Suck that, agriculture!

Last week, Zolton spent his Independence Day bothering Char-Broil, Perdue Chicken, Coppertone and Taittinger. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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