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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Earth Day was this past weekend. Maybe you didn’t hear — it barely registered a blip this year. I guess all the granola-hugging treemunchers were too busy rolling hemp and smelling like feet to get the word out.
Predictably, the patchouli puffs didn’t get very far. Earth Day came and went, and so far as I can tell, nothing has changed. The globals are still warming, the landfills are still toxic and nobody bothers to separate their green glass recyclables from their brown glass returnables. Will no one think of the brown glass returnables?
No. No one will. Not before the Earthpocalype, at this rate. So I decided to give the hippies some help. I’m shopping Earth-friendly from now on — and showing you how, too.
Note my fashionable striped hippie rugby. It’s made from free-range organic burlap and shaved-off soul patches. Also, weed. LOTS of weed.
For starters, check out the all-natural mondo-organic carbon-neutral planet-pumping goodies below — and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed.
Hey, you can listen to me, or you can grow greasy dreads and catch vegan athlete’s foot from an infected hacky sack. It’s your call. Mother Earth gets hers, either way.
My Amazon Review:
At first, I questioned this product’s Earth-friendliness. It’s wood from an innocent murdered tree, hacked apart and packaged in cardboard — the lifeless husks of its fallen forest brothers and sisters. How could this bring anything but a tear to some old Native American’s eye?
But then I tried it, and it all became clear. No additives. No preservatives. And this wood WILL NOT BURN. It’s firewood — without the fire. Genius! A single box of this firewood will supply a fireplace FOREVER because it’s never. Going. To. Burn.
Seriously, light it with a flamethrower. It won’t burn. Douse it in gasoline. You got nothing. How about a little napalm spritzer? This wood laughs in your face, while the house burns down around you.
So, if you want an eco-friendly fireplace, by all means buy this wood and shove a couple logs in there. Just do NOT try to light it. It’s not going to happen. Mother Earth says, “no.”
My Amazon Review:
I’m tired of all the harsh and caustic fertilizers out there. This guano does the job without any chemicals or gimmicks. It’s straight from the bat intestine, right to the bag. Maybe it sits on the ground for a while first, or the floor of a cave. But that’s it.
Just be sure to get the authentic Indonesian Bat Guano. Accept no substitutes! I’ve tried them all, and the last thing you want is some snake offal salesman passing off Malaysian bat crap as the real deal. Malaysian! As if!
Or worse, Thai. I don’t know what those people feed their bats in that country, but it does NOT make good guano. Maybe it’s the curry; I don’t know. But stay away. The Indonesian bat scat — that’s where it’s at, cat.
Now I just need to find some plants to put this stuff in. So far, I’ve been ringing my neighbor’s doorbell and lighting the bags on his porch. But don’t worry: he deserves it. The man uses Miracle-Gro. Tsk.
Hai, maybe I can use the wood to light the bags! But seriously, no — the wood is an idiot.
My Amazon Review:
This bracelet fooled me at first. But then I realized the “Earth Friendly” in the description is in quotes — just like the “Make a Wish.” So it’s as “environmentally responsible” as “fairy godmothers,” “genies in bottles” and “eight-foot-tall gold sparkly unicorns shooting pixie dust rainbows out their butts”? Nice.
So now I’m wary. The bracelet is fine — but it’s probably made from petroleum runoff and rainforest tree guts. I bet it causes acid rain and polar ice cap sweating and malignant wrist cancer in laboratory tweens.
That may sound a bit extreme. Do I really think all those things? Nah, I’m totally “kidding.” “For real.” What?
My Amazon Review:
If there’s a better way to save the planet than making paper out of elephant poop, I can’t think of it. First, it saves trees. Second, it makes elephant habitats smell a LOT better. Third, there are now people pn the planet whose job it is to collect jumbo Dumbo droppings for making this paper.
Think about that. These people HAD to be virtually unemployable before. If your primary skill is harvesting animal poop for fiber strands, you’re very probably out of work, penniless, and mooching to survive. That’s a huge strain on the planet now alleviated, thanks to this turdball stationery company. Kudos.
As for the product, it has a million and one uses. Need to write a Dear John letter? Poop paper gets the message across. Printing directions for your in-laws? Dung’ll do it, junior. Handing out resumes that employers will say is crap, anyway? Now it’s literally true! They may not hire you — but you made them hold poop.
One application I might shy away from? Spitballs. Yep. Spitballs.
Can you ask anything more from an Earth-friendly product? The answer is no. No, you cannot.
So I saved the planet; you’re welcome. Now get this goddamned thing off me, before I start burning incense and listening to Phish.
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
It’s January now — the holidays are over, the calendar has turned, and the champagne has been drunk, upchucked, and sworn off. That can mean only one thing:
It’s time for holiday parties.
Yes, the nouveau corporate tradition of celebrating the season — way after the season is already dead and buried — is back for another go-round. Because the true meaning of Christmas is getting the deepest discount possible on that Doubletree Inn ballroom where Joan from accounting is going to grope the mail room guy during the “Salesperson of the Year” announcement. Apparently.
Anyway, this year I had a “holiday” party to attend, a real swanky black tie affair. Zolton doesn’t do formalwear. Zolton can barely tie his shoes, much less a stupid necktie.
My baseline level of “swank” is pretty damned “swanky” enough, I’d say.
Clearly, I needed some help in getting my formal freak on. So I turned to Amazon for all of my monkey-suiting needs. Check out my posh purchases — and actual Amazon reviews of the products listed — and you’ll be on your way to puttin’ on the Ritz this “holiday” season, too. Happy Whatever-the-Hell-It’s-Supposed-to-Be!
My Amazon Review:
I hear looking good starts before you even get dressed. So I picked up six rolls of this fancy black toilet paper to wipe my pre-party bottom in STYLE. It felt like sliding down one of those ritzy velvet ropes they put outside bars I’m not allowed into — only without the friction burns and horrified strangers.
The only problem was when I cut myself shaving, and used little bits of the paper to stop the bleeding. When I showed up at the party, everyone I met thought I had face leprosy and ran away screaming. Soon, it was just down to just me and the velvet ropes by the coat check stand.
Best. Party. EVAR!
My Amazon Review:
I figured the first thing I needed for a black tie party was a black tie. But why buy just one, when I could get a whole fifty ties for under four bucks? Who said looking like a million bucks has to be expensive?
Best of all, these ties come with velcro and are “self-gripping.” So I didn’t even have to learn how to tie them. I just mashed a few together, looped them around my neck, and voila! I was the prettiest primping penguin at the party.
Oh, you MIGHT be able to out-suave this. But not without years of training and three gallons of Aqua Velva, sport.
Or at least the cheapest. And I had enough ties left over to fashion a tasteful cummerbund and tails. If I get another set before the party next year, I’ll make myself a nice vest, and maybe some spats. Eventually, I’ll go in a complete outfit made only of ties. Eat your heart out, Mr. Blackwell!
My Amazon Review:
If you’re getting dolled up for a big soiree, you want to dazzle right down to your shoes. So I went looking for some polish to spiff up my old hoofers. Sadly, the only dress shoes I had on hand were a pair of nut-brown wingtips older than I am. I needed some heavy-duty goo to blacken those babies up.
Enter this “liquid leading” product. This stuff is amazing! I just glommed some onto my old shoes, scrubbed it in, and soon enough I had a nice shiny pair of ebony-colored stompers. Really shiny. As in, extremely shiny. I had to be careful where I looked when I went to the men’s room, because these puppies reflect EVERYTHING. But that’s the price I pay for good looks, I guess.
Well, that and an oily black trail of oozing paint trailing everywhere I walked. By eight pm, it looked like a giant garden slug with a horrible digestive disorder had slimed all over the dance floor. But Jerry from marketing didn’t even show up until nine thirty! Bazinga!
My Amazon Review:
Every detail counts when you’re decking out in your best duds. I wanted that “tuxedo” feeling right down to my skivvies. Also, underneath. So I bought these and strapped one on while I gussied up for the gala.
I’ve heard people say they “dress to the nines” for these kinds of parties. I suppose technically I only dressed to the five-and-a-halfs or so, but it still felt pretty posh down there. Sadly, I didn’t get a chance to use the product in any “traditional” way — though it was touch-and-go for a moment when I heard there was an open bar — but I like to think I went the extra mile to swank up for this soiree.
Was it before or after the party that I offered to make balloon animals for the kids? A true professional never blows and tells.
Okay, maybe not a “mile.” Or “nine.” Still. I gave new meaning to the term “lap of luxury.” That’s worth celebrating, any time of year.
Screw this. Next year, I’m sendin’ a proxy!
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
It’s too hot this summer to do anything outside. It’s too hot to do anything inside. And it’s too hot to do anyone — outside, inside, or in the doorway to the veranda. This sort of weather calls for complete bodily stillness — and maybe an ice cube down the underpants.
“I WAS WRONG! I WAS WRONG! GET ME A WARM TOWEL AND THREE GALLONS OF ALOE — STAT!!”
Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t be productive. We may not be going places or building things or learning the watusi, but our minds are still ripe for the exercising. Or in my case, overripe. Maybe a little moldy. And possibly infested with mealworms. I was never the juiciest Smith on the Granny tree, if you get my drift.
But I don’t let that stop me. I may have spent the better part of this summer with my ass hanging in the kitchen freezer, but I’ve done it with a book in my hand. A book — or two, or four — that I bought from Amazon, to further my personal edification. Or at least to distract me while waiting for my cheeks to thaw out.
If you’re looking for a summertime page-turner, check out my actual Amazon reviews below of the books I tackled this summer. These are great for reading in the john, or nestled up against a bag of frozen peas. Wherever you like it, you’ll surely agree — reading is cool.
My Amazon Review:
I’ve read a few of the books in the ‘Dummies’ series — ‘Walking and Chewing Gum for Dummies’, ‘Advanced Turn Signal Usage for Dummies’, ‘Pet Rock Care and Feeding for Dummies’… but this volume seemed somehow different.
For one thing, the words are enormous. I’m only picking up bits and pieces of the gist, but it’s blowing my understanding of the world out of the water. For instance, I always thought Schrodinger was that guy from ‘Peanuts’ — but no. Also, an eigenvector is not something played by church organists, and harmonic oscillators don’t come with ‘happy endings’, apparently.
I’m really learning a lot from this book. I don’t know how much of it has anything to do with quantum physics. But then again, I don’t see how an Australian airline figured all this stuff out in the first place. It burgles the mind.
My Amazon Review:
I liked this book; it provided a lot of useful information about keeping bees, maintaining them and caring for their little bee needs.
My only quibble is with the title. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided I really don’t want complete idiots to keep bees. I understand that the book is a good resource, and gives step-by-step instructions. But these are complete idiots we’re talking about. They’ll screw it up; they always do.
And then what happens? Will the bees die out because they can’t live on the Honeycomb cereal these doofuses will try to use? Will the slackjaws go rooting through beehive hairdos for honey? Will we be subjected to swarms of wild feral bees, angry at coming from broken idiot homes?
I don’t know. And I don’t want to find out. So I’m not keeping any bees. And if you’re the kind of person who puts your beekeeper suit on inside-out or backwards all the time, maybe you shouldn’t, either. I think the bees would be much better off. WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE BEES?!
My Amazon Review:
This book seemed to be right up my alley. I’ve been told by lots of people that I don’t know anything — anything at all — and that’s precisely what the book is about. Not knowing. And I was always taught that if you don’t know about something, you should keep your fool mouth shut about it. So I figured this would be a nice short easy read. Something I could finish in an afternoon. Maybe a long weekend, max.
But it’s six hundred pages.
Six. HUNDRED. Pages. Of not knowing. I think I’m happy the author didn’t know something, or who knows how much book there’d be? If there was any knowing going on in this thing at all, you’d need a handcart and a library assistant to carry the thing around. If you put it on your Kindle, it’d swell up like a balloon.
It’s the table of contents, and I already need a dictionary. And a drink. Also, a Ph.D. in word-learning. But let’s start with the drink.
Instead, it’s just the 600 pages of not knowing, which is kind of a tough plot to sell. I started the book, and he didn’t know. I skipped a few chapters, and he still didn’t know. So I cut to the end, and — SPOILER ALERT — there’s no knowing. It’s like a Where’s Waldo picture album in nine volumes, only Waldo’s been airbrushed out.
I don’t know if that counts as enlightment. But it feels pretty deep, man.
My Amazon Review:
This was easily the most practical book I read all summer. All my other books wanted me to be a better person, or learn about something, or keep track of weird little insects for a hobby. So hard.
But THIS book does none of that. It’s a book for losers, aimed at ensuring their complete and comprehensive failure in every conceivable life situation. Wheelhouse, thy name is this book.
What I really appreciate is the clear and concise methodology the author describes for systematically wrecking one’s life. Sure, I’ve been on that path for some time now — as Exhibit A, I’m reviewing a book on Amazon right this minute! — but I’ve always felt my self-dismantlement was happening fairly willy-nilly, and never plummeting like a stone through the floor.
With this guide in hand, though, the road to personal failure is charted, TripTik’ed, programmed into the GPS and virtually assured. It really takes the guesswork out of abject failure. Thumbs up!
Actually, I think I’ve got that ‘failure’ thing well in hand. Also, I can’t feel my ass. Happy reading!
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
This week is a flurry of activity, as we prepare to celebrate one of our most beloved American holidays. It’s a time when people come together, put aside their differences, and share in pastimes and traditions that stretch back for generations.
I’m talking, of course, about Black Friday.
But before we get to that uniquely American overspending orgy, there’s Black Friday Eve — known in some circles as “Thanksgiving.” And if I have anything to give thanks for, it’s online shopping. Now I can sit my cheeks on my comfy couch this Friday, and shop myself silly from the comfort of my own footie pajamas.
To celebrate that, I decided to stock up on Thanksgiving supplies in the only way I know how — on Amazon, with questionable intentions, and using my wife’s credit card. Read on to see my actual Amazon reviews of these turkey day-themed products. You’ll “give thanks” that you did!
My Amazon Review:
I bought these mini-punkins and gourds, thinking I’d make a festive holiday cornucopia, maybe as a centerpiece or holiday display.
Then I remembered that I’m not, in fact, Martha freaking Stewart. And I was stuck with a bunch of shrinky little pumpkins. So I did the obvious thing: I made a bunch of shrinky little pies.
If my wife can make you eat pie with just one finger, imagine — wait, WHAT!?!
They don’t taste like much, unfortunately. But they look great with a teaspoon of ice cream and a shot glass of cold milk. And later, when the family’s comparing holiday gluttony notes, I can say I ate a WHOLE TWELVE PIES in one sitting. Cousin Rob’s record is only ten. Eat THAT, Bobbo!
My Amazon Review:
I’ve cooked holiday turkeys in the past, and they always turn out dry. It’s hard to be thankful when you feel like you’re munching a mouthful of Mojave desert. But who has the time to babysit the oven, basting that bird every ten minutes to keep it moist?
That’s why I bought this pressure washer. When I baste a turkey with this baby, it STAYS basted. I tried it out on a practice bird, and nearly blew it through the back of the oven. That turkey was juiced up like Jose Canseco before a doubleheader. And that’s JUICED.
It’s approximately as frightening in there as you’d expect “gale-force turkey enema” to be.
On the other hand, I don’t recommend this equipment for applying gravy to your mashed potatoes. I tried that, and it looked like Jackson Pollack horked up all over my dining room wall. Holiday technology can only get us so far.
My Amazon Review:
I got invited to a themed holiday party that said all attendees should “dress like a pilgrim.” Lucky for me, they didn’t specify WHICH pilgrim.
So I’m hitting the party in my official Scott Pilgrim tee and a pair of these sweet wristbands. I’ll show that stuffy bunch of Mayflowered buckleshoes how to kick this holiday like a REAL Pilgrim. It’s a Turkey Day of turkey turkeyness.
My Amazon Review:
I’m always looking for something — anything — to liven up the Thanksgiving dinner experience. If I wanted to sit in a room staring at the family for four hours, I’d stage another intervention for Uncle Pete. Lord knows the last one didn’t take.
So I picked up this game to play at the holiday table, after we’re stuffed on stuffing. In the description, the makers suggest “a prize be offered to the official winner, such as candy, a plant, or a new Christmas decoration.” Those don’t sound much like “prizes” to me — we’ll be playing for cold, hard Thanksgiving cash. That’s how my family rolls.
Good thing, too. We played a practice round over the weekend, and I cleaned up. I scored eighty bucks and a gravy boat off of Grandma alone. And I’ve been practicing in the meantime. Assuming she’s got any dough left by the time Thursday rolls around, this is going to be the best Thanksgiving EVER!
“Who just lost their Bingo ‘n’ medication money? That’s right, granny — YOU did!”
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
With a new year comes new beginnings. New resolutions. New 365 Kitties a Year calendars. New post-Christmas-cookie-binge super-elastic fat pants.
And for me, this year, a new job. But no matter where I’m stocking shelves or flipping burgers or begging for spare pocket lint, I know the formula for a successful and rewarding career:
When the boss bends over, you pucker up and smooch. Smooch like the wind. Give a hoot; smooch smooch smooch. Smooch, there it is!
Pucker up, buttercup!
But how to maximize one’s ass-kissing to its fullest potential? With the proper supplies, of course. And the proper supplier — in this case, Amazon.com. So if you’re new on the job this January — or just looking to practice your tuckus puckering for last year’s crusty old boss — read on for the latest tips and my actual Amazon reviews of the products listed.
Or you can kiss ass the old-fashioned way. But come on. That’s soooo 2011.
My Amazon Review:
Sometimes figurative butt kissing turns into literal butt kissing. And the last thing you want is to chap out and blow a lip halfway on your way to that next big raise. It’s important to stay moist and supple over the long, puckery haul.
So I always make sure to buy Chapstick in bulk. Or rather, used to — before I found this generic knockoff brand in the super mongo value size. A thousand case pack is enough chap balm to smooch down a hundred head of cattle, if you had to. I can sugar up boss rear for days on end, and never worry about running out. Thanks, giant shipping crate of Chap-Ex — you’re a real jobsaver!
My Amazon Review:
What better way to ingratiate yourself to a new honcho than to give him a cheap hollow piece of mostly metal proclaiming him to be the BEST. BOSS. EVAR!!1!eleventy!!
I tried it; there were just two problems. First, my new boss says this statue doesn’t look anything like him. As though there’s anything I can do about that. Is it my fault he doesn’t resemble Verne Troyer on steroids wrapped in gold leaf? I think not. He begs to differ. Fine.
More damaging, after my boss put it on his desk one day, HIS boss walked in and saw it. Now he’s mad at me, because I didn’t get him one — and I got my boss in trouble, because he didn’t think of buying one for him, either. I tried to weasel in, and instead I’m in the doghouse. If my boss’ boss’ boss ever sees this thing, I’ll probably be canned on the spot. Not my best toadying.
My Amazon Review:
Oh, anyone can wash the boss’ car. We’ve all been there, waxing down the big cheese’s Chevy for vacation days or private offices. You’re not going to stand out, just by buffing up The Man’s Buick.
So I went all out. When the time comes for me to hose down the boss’ Hyundai, I’m doing it in style with these tres fancy silk towels. The “lush silk pile” gently caresses the curves of the dashboard. The “18 essential amino acids” lovingly ooze down the bumper. The tail pipe regales in the “pure luxury” of these heavenly towels. A menial office chore has never felt so sensual; by the time the car’s clean, I’ve practically dirtied it again.
Judge not, ye who have not been touched by the holy silken bumper chamois.
Probably I should go back to washing the car with my clothes on. But these silk towels are just too inviting. Kumi Kookoon, take me away!
My Amazon Review:
There’s more to keeping a job than pure sycophantery. You’ve also got to convince the higher-ups that you’re just the right person for the job — and they’d never do it without you. That’s where this book, devoted to being all the employee you can possibly be, comes in mighty handy.
Or would, I guess, if all the stuff it suggests weren’t so darned HARD. I mean, seriously. Earning a good reputation? Developing a work ethic? Excelling at your job? Solving important problems? Showing up before noon?
Bossman, please. No job is worth all of that. So I paid a couple of guys twenty bucks apiece to read the book and just SAY that I did all of those things, nearby where the boss can hear it. That ought to vault me up the corporate ladder in a hurry. I’ll just wait here on the bottom rung for somebody to come by, take my apron and paper hat, and give me the key to the executive washroom.
Should be any minute now. No time like the present.
Yep, any time at all. I’m ready for my closeup, boss. As in… NOW!
Now? Bueller? Hello?
Aw, rats.
Howy cwap, I fink I bwew out a wip!
Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!
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