I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
There are times in a man’s life when he just wants to hang with his bros. We drink beer, we smoke cigars, we belch and cuss and scratch ourselves inappropriately and watch tight-pantsed athletic men play professional sports without thinking too hard about why we get so gosh-darned excited about it.
(But DUH. Because we get to drink and smoke and scratch during the games. Obviously.)
Still, as the philosophers say: man cannot live with bros alone. We can’t just hang out in little sweaty clusters, huddled on couches and oozing testosterone at each other. People would talk. No, sometimes we need a more feminine touch.
And to reconnect with my own female-leaning bits, I’ve decided this time to only review products with a girl’s name at the top of the letterhead. Read on for my actual Facebook posts, as we rub elbows — and boobs — with some of the world’s most beloved female figureheads.
And please excuse the inappropriate scratching, ladies. Old habits die hard.
Sara Lee — or one of her ‘Eempah Leempahs’, perhaps — mostly ignored my objection, but answered in the sugariest way possible:
The Jo-Ann folks followed that with another, more chilling reply:
The message being that some of the pipe cleaners they sell cannot be
used to clean pipes. Black is white! Up is down! Rick Santorum is Charles Nelson Reilly! Stop the world, Jo-Ann; my pipe wants to get off.
(Not necessarily — and don’t call them Shirley.):
All in all, it was a pleasant jaunt through the ‘fairer‘ side of Facebook. Also, I totally copped a feel when I was sliding past Jo-Ann, and she didn’t even notice. So yeah, bros — this was a good day. And I barely cussed or burped out loud at all.
Maybe I should try that fruity tropical toe cream, after all.
Last week, Zolton yukked it up with Secret deodorant, Omaha Steaks, Lever 2000 and Progresso soup. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!Permalink | No Comments