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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Secrets and Lyes

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

One of the best things about Facebook is the way companies embrace it, setting up shop and reaching out to consumers. It's about community. It's about cooperation. It's about communication.

Because it sure as hell isn't about the IPO.

In the spirit of serious reviews and frank product discussions, I decided to hit up Facebook again for a chat about a few of my favorite products. Read on for my actual Facebook conversations with the companies listed.

And also, with what appears to be a fairly odd -- but presumably very clean -- Filipino dude living in his parents' basement. And isn't that what Facebook is all about?

First on my list was Secret deodorant. Sure, it's "strong enough" for a man -- but as a man, would it eat my underarms away like some flowery flesh-feasting bacteria? This inquiring mind smelled fresh as a daisy, and desperately wanted to know, STAT:

Soon enough, it was time for lunch -- a steak sandwich and a steak sandwich, on the Underhill's bill, of course. But even the Omaha Steak folks can't be trusted these days:

Scandals leave me feeling all dirty -- and not in the good way. So I decided to suds it up with my favorite Lever 2000 soap. And that just raised more questions.

I couldn't find an "official" Lever 2000 FB site, exactly, so this '' page would have to do. The broken English matched my shattered dreams -- but I tried my best to fit in and asked my questions, anyway. Come clean, Philippine!

In a tailspin, I finally sat down for a nice hearty bowl of Progresso. The soup was good food, but getting hold of them to say so was no can of corn. Or can of minestrone, for that matter.

I guess this whole "Facebook communication" thing isn't as straightforward as I thought. Probably all these companies are still mourning that IPO beating.

I'll give it a week, and try again. Maybe by then, the Filipino kid will get back to me with a list of all my parts. That'll be nice.

Last time, Zolton threw the 'book at Chevy, Jif and Tide. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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