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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
This product reviewing business is hard work. Every once in a while, a guy wants to get a break from it all. Take a load off. Have a snack.
As a red-blooded, clog-veined American, my snack of choice is potato chips. What better way to relax and refresh than sitting down with a brand new ‘family size’ bag of chips, and not getting up until your hands are shiny up to the elbows with grease and you’ve licked every last crumb of spud from the bottom of the bag?
I can’t think of one. Unless you’ve got twin Swedish masseuses and a wheelbarrow full of butterscotch pudding handy. And who can afford butterscotch in this economy?
Nope, potato chips are definitely the way to go. So when I felt a bit peckish this afternoon, that’s what I went for. Only it’s not that simple. Once a reviewer, always a reviewer — just when I thought I was snacking, they dragged me back in.
So read on for my potato chip chatter — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. But be careful. Once you pop, you won’t stop. Betcha can’t read just one.
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Last week, Zolton stripped to the bare necessities with Fruit of the Loom, Jockey, Hanes and SPANX. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
The weather has turned brutally cold around here, leaving many of us able to cut glass with a number of nearly-frozen body parts. And if I learned anything about staying warm from The Empire Strikes Back, it’s to slice open a tauntaun and climb in for a nap.
Sadly, I don’t have any tauntauns handy. And the neighbor lady won’t let me near her German shepherd, so I’ve got to warm up the next-best way: with layers. Short of renting a dead moose to sleep in or strapping a heating pad to your junk, layering up is the primo way to stay toasty warm in winter.
Of course, the first layer is the most important, and that means picking out the right kind of underpants. That was my task, and naturally I had questions. Lots and lots of questions. Luckily for me, all of the undies companies I considered have Facebook pages, so I dove in like a pair of tighty whities down a laundry chute.
Read on for more “unmentionables” mentioning — and for my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. Hopefully, it’ll help you put the right pair of panties in your wardrobe, too. And if you’re wintering on Hoth, maybe buy a couple extra. It’s cold out there, kid.
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Last week, Zolton stayed crunchy in milk with Frosted MiniWheats, Grape Nuts, Rice Krispies and Lucky Charms. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
They say a good, balanced breakfast is the right way to start your day. And that sounds great; I’d love to start my day correctly — if only to get one thing right.
Unfortunately, I suck at cooking breakfast. My bacon is full of fail and sog. My “sunny side up” eggs look like they’re covered in Beijing smog gravy. And the only practical use for my pancakes is to wrap valuables you intend to ship through the mail.
(“Packing pancakes”. Look for them soon at a UPS or IHOP location near you.)
So I’m relegated to that most humble of breakfast fare, the cold cereal. But do I let that get me down? You can bet your pair of sweet puckered McMuffins I don’t. Instead, I search for breakfast nirvana. The creme de la Cream O’Wheat. The very best, highest-quality, tastiest cereals on the planet.
Or, you know, the ones with Facebook pages.
Read on for my quest to buy a better bran flake — and for my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. Soon, you’ll be asking yourself, “doesn’t a nice bowl of cereal sound good right now?”
(Wait. Did you say ‘good’? Pffft. It’s gur-rrreat!)
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Last week, Zolton creamed his Twinkie with Little Debbie, Tastykake, Entenmann’s and Moon Pie. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
I celebrated New Year’s Eve last week as most people do — by drinking gallons of champagne, defiling the neighbors’ privacy hedge with various bodily fluids, and passing out ten minutes til midnight with a noisemaker in my mouth and my pants around my ankles.
And like most people, I woke up with a raging hangover and confetti down my pants, and resolved to never do that again. And while we’re at it, also to hit the gym, to get healthy, and to start eating right for a change. Balanced breakfasts. Reasonable portions. Whole grains, fruits and veggies, and above all — no junk food.
I didn’t last a week. I have the willpower of a feral chihuahua on crystal meth. Like most people.
Still, if I was going to break my New Years nutritional resolution, I wanted to go out with a bang. And what better way to say, “screw you, last-week health-conscious me, and the diapered-up baby you rode in on” than with Twinkies? Some people ‘cheat’ on their diets. I wanted to commit grand larceny, with a side of creme-filled fraud.
Sadly, Twinkies are hard to find these days. So I gorged myself on a wide assortment of Twinkie alternatives — and reported back to their makers on Facebook. Read on for my delicious adventures — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls.
And if you’re still fighting the good fight, keeping true to your diet resolution this year — hey, good for you. Nice job out there.
Now pass the damned Ding Dongs already. The rest of us gotta eat over here.
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Last week, Zolton resolved to be a pain in the butt for NutriSystem, 24-Hour Fitness, Cooking Light and Total Gym. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
They say the way you spend the first few moments of a new year is the way you’ll likely spend the rest of it. They also say “fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son”.
Clearly, they’re sending mixed messages on this one.
Still, a new year is a time for personal growth. And while I can’t do much about one of my issues — and flatly refuse to address another — I can at least try to get in shape. Maybe “fit, drunk and stupid” was the key to everything, all along.
With that in mind, I made a series of health-conscious New Year’s resolutions. And, as usual, I took to Facebook to get more information and to make a right steaming mess out of the whole endeavor. This is why I can’t have nice things. Or skinny jeans, apparently.
Read on for the exercise in diet-and-exercise futility — and for my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. (Plus one; see below.) It may not take inches off your waistline, but you’ll definitely feel the burn.*
* No actual burn promised or implied. Should you experience a burning sensation while reading, cease immediately and seek medical attention. Flush affected areas with water. Or tequila, if that’s what you’re into. We don’t judge here.
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Postscript:
I originally posted the following to gym outfit Planet Fitness, as part of this exercise:
“I made a New Years resolution to join a gym, and I’d like to give one of your facilities a try. I just have one question:
I notice that you feature a “Judgement-Free Zone” in your gyms — so I’m assuming the rest of the facility is “Heavy-Judging”, is that right? I’m just curious whether the no-judge zones are well marked, like with signs or ushers or a line on the floor or something. I don’t want to accidentally wander into “Thunderdome Territory”, in case my push-up technique isn’t up to snuff.
Also, does the judgement-free area extend into the locker rooms? I’m… uh, asking for a friend. Thanks!”
I immediately got a long and rambling reply (from a PF member, evidently, not an ‘official’ Facebook spokesrobot), but within a few hours both my post and the reply had been deleted. From the Planet Fitness page. From my FB timeline. From the very interwebz itself!
Also, in what I believe is a first for this series, the Planet Fitness Facebook page has, so far as I can tell, banned me from making further comments on their wall.
For a bunch of “judgement-free” gym jockeys, they sure are quick to lay down a ruling. Makes you wonder if they were “judged” in the locker room themselves.
Last week, Zolton spread the Christmas toy cheer to LeapFrog, Twister, Furby and Toys R Us. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
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