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I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
I celebrated New Year’s Eve last week as most people do — by drinking gallons of champagne, defiling the neighbors’ privacy hedge with various bodily fluids, and passing out ten minutes til midnight with a noisemaker in my mouth and my pants around my ankles.
And like most people, I woke up with a raging hangover and confetti down my pants, and resolved to never do that again. And while we’re at it, also to hit the gym, to get healthy, and to start eating right for a change. Balanced breakfasts. Reasonable portions. Whole grains, fruits and veggies, and above all — no junk food.
I didn’t last a week. I have the willpower of a feral chihuahua on crystal meth. Like most people.
Still, if I was going to break my New Years nutritional resolution, I wanted to go out with a bang. And what better way to say, “screw you, last-week health-conscious me, and the diapered-up baby you rode in on” than with Twinkies? Some people ‘cheat’ on their diets. I wanted to commit grand larceny, with a side of creme-filled fraud.
Sadly, Twinkies are hard to find these days. So I gorged myself on a wide assortment of Twinkie alternatives — and reported back to their makers on Facebook. Read on for my delicious adventures — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls.
And if you’re still fighting the good fight, keeping true to your diet resolution this year — hey, good for you. Nice job out there.
Now pass the damned Ding Dongs already. The rest of us gotta eat over here.
Last week, Zolton resolved to be a pain in the butt for NutriSystem, 24-Hour Fitness, Cooking Light and Total Gym. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!Permalink | No Comments
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