Where the Hell Was I?

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

May 24, 2004

Yeah, It Must Be Monday

You ever have one of those days where you just can’t keep your head on straight?

I’m not quite sure what happened, and I apologize in advance, but I’ve forgotten most of what I was gonna write about tonight.

All I remember is that I had some sort of perverted point or other, and then I was gonna go off on a tangent or two, and work my way back to the original deviant sex thing, whatever it was. You know, business as usual stuff.

Anyway, all I can recall is that I was gonna end it with this:

‘On a related topic, I’m seriously thinking about growing myself a big, fat pornstache.‘

But, you know, taken all out of context like that, it just sounds sick and tawdry, somehow. I think I need a shower now. And maybe a shave… just to be safe. I’ll… I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Ta.

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Categories: Miscellaneous Nonsense

May 23, 2004

Fun with Google, Take Three

All right, boys and girls. I hate to do this to you, but I’m afraid it can’t be helped. It’s time once again for the weblog equivalent of a ‘clip show’. That’s right, it’s time to dig in for a third installment of ‘Look What Kinds of Ridiculous Searches Bring People to This Site‘.

Hey, don’t look at me that way. I’ve been here almost a frigging year, and I’ve only resorted to this crap three times. Cut me some slack, dammit. Now, let’s get on with it, all right?

Okay, here goes — these are some of these searches that various desperate, horny, and/or demented netizens have recently used to find this humble web abode:

monkey cereal spam tofu — Well, it doesn’t sound tasty, exactly, but I guess somebody out there is interested in this stuff. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable in anything with ‘monkey’ and ‘spam’ in the same context — isn’t that stuff made from pig innards and rat parts?
Arby’s oven mitt flash — all right, look, is somebody really looking for that damned oven mitt to flash the goods on camera? For that matter, does an oven mitt have ‘goods’ to flash? This is just weird… and yet, I’m strangely excited. Woo.
pick-a-boob — how hard could this possibly be, people? Look, it’s ‘left’ or it’s ‘right’, and in most cases, they’re pretty much the damned same, right? What’s to pick? Unless you’re that trimammaried girl from Total Recall, at least.
swim up bars in the United States — frankly, I’m not up on this list myself, though I’d very much like to be. Hell, I’ve considered flooding my basement, just do I could float up to the kitchen to grab a beer. But the wife won’t go for it. Meh.
bovine spongebob — what, ‘Spongebob’ is a cow, now? How the hell did this happen? And who ever heard of ‘Guernsey Squarepants’? Suddenly, I’m just violently uncomfortable. And thirsty for milk… but I’m sure that’s completely unrelated.
health effects of matchlight charcoal — well, I’m not expert, but I’m guessing that depends on what you’re doing with the charcoal. Me, I cook with it, and I haven’t noticed many ill effects at all. But if you’re smoking the things, or using them as any sort of ‘suppository’… well, then yeah, you’re probably gonna have some issues. Not cool.
barbi “sleep and keep” — I can’t help thinking this is some sort of weird, perverted thing that I’m just not privy to. And dammit, that makes me jealous. Tell me what this means!
stockings pippi groin — Um, yeah. Ditto the last one, pretty much. I don’t know how the hell this search got you here, but if you find any pictures… you know, call me.
yankee shithead — what? You mean Derek Jeter? Mariano Rivera? Or George Steinbrenner, maybe? Yeah, they’re both of those things, that’s for sure. What’s your point?
superzoom nude beach — I dunno… ‘superzoom? Frankly, I think I’d appreciate the exquisite joys that a nude beach might bring without seeing the pubic follicle-holes of whoever I’m ogling at. ‘Zoom’? Cool. ‘Superzoom’? Nah. That’s a little too real.
king dong pictures — Christ, man, don’t you get porn spam? Why the hell would you search for such a thing? I get thirty-eight emails a day offering that shit. Wake up and smell the Cialis, dude.

All right, that’s enough for tonight. Sorry for mainly slacking off on a Sunday, but hell — what are Sundays for, anyway? You can’t possibly expect me to put out for real every night, can you? Can you? Can you? What kind of animal perverts are you, anyway? Bitches.

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Categories: Googlicious!

May 22, 2004

What the Hell Is Wrong With Me? Huh? What Is It? What? Huh?!

Maybe I’m just turning into a cranky, impatient, snarky old bastard.

I suppose that would make sense, given that I’ve been a cranky, impatient, snarky youngish bastard for quite a while now. Why the hell should I change now?

Anyway. One thing I’ve found that makes me cranky and snarky and that I have no patience for is people asking rhetorical questions. And then waiting for a damned answer. Oooh, that makes my eyeballs twitch.

Now, this is not a new phenomenon for me. I’ve railed against this ridiculous, pointless behavior for most of my life. To be honest, there was one member of my immediate family, who shall remain nameless (*cough* *kaff* mother… *cough* *cough*), that was way guilty of this nonsense. I spent the better part of my childhood having exchanges like this:

News Anchor on TV: …the would-be burglar required a rescue when he got himself stuck in the family’s chimney, and was unable to escape.

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: Tsk. That’s just stupid. What the hell is wrong with people?

Me: (Just let it go… leave it at that… let it go…)

*long uncomfortable pause*

Me: (Okay, good. That’s the end of –)

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: Well?!

Me: Um… what?

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: I said, what the hell is wrong with people?

And folks, there’s no good answer for that. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people. How the hell should I? Frankly, if I had to guess, I’d say that there’s probably all sorts of things wrong with people — some of them are crazy, others are brain-damaged… I imagine a lot of them are just plain ignorant.

But these are just guesses. There’s no way to know what the hell is wrong with people, so why ask the damned question? And more to the point, why demand an answer? We’re all allowed a few unanswerable questions now and then — ‘Why is the sky blue?‘, for instance. Or maybe, ‘Why is Jack such a raging asshole?‘. Or ‘Just who the hell do you think you are?‘

And that’s fine — I’m willing to give people a pass on those. Just so long as they don’t stand there, toe tapping, waiting for a damned answer. There are no answers! And if there were, then obviously I wouldn’t know them, would I? It’s just damned rude, if you ask me.

To me, the real crime is that this particular brand of bullshit shifts all the burden to reasonable people like me. See, I’m the one capable of having a normal, legitimate conversation, free of impossibly unknowable queries, and yet I’m the one who comes off looking like an asshole when I roll my eyes, or lash out, or savagely beat the questioner with a table lamp. Hey, I didn’t ask the rhetorical question — this shit isn’t my fault.

I think there should be a code word of some kind to get out of this situation. Whenever somebody asks you a question that you couldn’t possibly answer, and then pushes you for an answer, I think you ought to be able to say a single word that will let them, and everyone else around you, know what kind of asininery is going on. Something you wouldn’t accidentally use in other areas of conversation, like — I don’t know — how about ‘Asstweaker!’ Or maybe ‘Peeniepopper!’ Would you believe ‘Hamslapper’?

Okay, so the word itself needs some work. Still, the point is valid — there should be a word that is an answer, the answer, to all those questions that have no answers available. And it should be a word that makes everyone around immediately take notice, and stare all at once at whoever prompted the word to be screamed into the ether. That’s the only way these people will learn, folks. I’m just trying to make the world a better place is all. Who’s with me on this one?

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Categories: Bitter Old Man Rants

May 21, 2004

Big Fat Funky… Fever!

Well, howdy, there, folks. It’s Friday once again, and that can only mean three things: we’re finally able to walk straight again after this week’s ‘Hump Day’, it’s only a few more hours before we can gather together and drink beer ’til we barf, and — best of all! — it’s time again for Punchline Fever!

For you new fish around here, let’s go over the ground rules:

1) I’ll sit around, day and night, thinking of a short but flexible setup for a joke.

B) I’ll post the best setup I can think of, but with a blank where the punchline should go.

iii) Then it’s up to you to come up with your best line, and leave it in the comments, for all to snicker over.

Catch all that? All right, then — let’s cut the yakkin’ and get down to the Fever!

Punchline Fever #14:

‘The ‘Noah’s Ark reenactment’ started out well enough, but it went downhill quickly. The animals made it onto the boat okay, but it all went gruesomely wrong when ______________________________‘

Well, that’s the scoop for this week. Now get in there and make with the yuks. Happy fevery Friday, folks!

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Categories: Audience Participation

May 20, 2004

Counselor, You Are Out of Order! I Object!

Do they really have to say, ‘Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?‘ Isn’t that redundant? I mean, if it will be used against you, then obviously, it can be used against you. Why not just say, ‘will‘? How many times have cops had to delay their doughnut ‘n’ coffee run and take the time to say those two extra words? It’s just damned unfair!

By the way, in case you’re wondering, this thought didn’t come to mind because I’ve been recently cuffed up and tossed in the drunk tank with the rummies and the streetwalkers, or anything like that. Or the rummied-up streetwalkers, which are the very bestest kind, of course.

Actually, I’ve just been watching a couple of hours of Law and Order. And there are a lot of people on that show that get locked up, and wrist-shackled, and read their rights. So I’ve heard the ‘in a court of law’ bit quite a few times this evening, and it’s finally starting to bug me.

On the other hand, I’m thinking that some of the other phrases featured on the show could come in mighty handy around the office. Meaning, of course, that I might be able to use them to make people stop talking to me so damned often. Observe:

Imagine you’re me.

(Okay, okay, stop screaming, fer chrissakes. Get out from under the couch. Sheesh. You big baby. Let’s try that again.)

Imagine you’re someone in my general situation, more or less.

(What? Still too terrifying? Oh, fine. Wuss.)

So, imagine you work in an office of some kind. But not the kind I work in, since that would apparently send you into a convulsive pants-peeing episode. Now, imagine that you have meetings in that office, and that people are always grabbing you to talk about work, and plan out work, and dream up still more work, no matter how much work there already is to do.

(Not my kind of work, of course. Don’t worry. Just breathe.)

Okay, you with me so far? Now, let’s say you’re in one of these meetings, feeling your very soul drain down and spiral clockwise out your sphincter while the next six years of your twelve-hour workdays are planned out for you.

(Of course, if you’re south of the equator, like our good friend Miz Monkey, then your soul is gonna spiral counterclockwise out your ass. Not to bring Monkey’s ass into this or anything. I just don’t want you to get confused if your hindquarters don’t perform quite the way I’ve described above. ‘Your heinie mileage may vary’, as it were. Perfectly normal.)

All right, where the hell was I? Ah, in a soul-sucking meeting. Right. Charging on, then.

So, you’re stuck in this meeting, with no hope of ever getting out of the damned thing and leading a normal life. Ah, but that’s where Law and Order comes to the rescue. Just think of the myriad of things you could whip out of the show and use to rescue yourself. For one, you could try yelling out:

‘Either charge me, or let me go home! I know my rights, dammit!‘

Belligerence not your bag? (Yeah, right. Then what are you doing here, hmmm?) Well, fine. How about taking the strong, assured approach:

‘You really expect me to believe that story? Forget it. I’ll see you in court.‘

Or maybe you’d be more comfortable impersonating a judge:

‘The prisoner is hereby remanded to his cell. We’re taking a recess. Court adjourned!‘

Of course, any of these little ploys might only help you with your insanity plea — even if you get out of the meeting, there’ll likely be consequences and repercussions. But desperate meetings call for desperate measures. Sometimes the only thing that’ll save your soul is a big set of brass ones and a mouthful of legalspeak.

Wait, did I say ‘save’ your soul? That sounds a helluva lot more like it’ll ‘damn’ your soul, or at least get your soul’s ass kicked. Eh, what the hell do I know? All I do is sit in meetings all day. Yeah, I’m probably not the guy you should be taking career advice from. Case closed.

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Categories: Work, Work, Work