Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

What the Hell Is Wrong With Me? Huh? What Is It? What? Huh?!

Maybe I’m just turning into a cranky, impatient, snarky old bastard.

I suppose that would make sense, given that I’ve been a cranky, impatient, snarky youngish bastard for quite a while now. Why the hell should I change now?

Anyway. One thing I’ve found that makes me cranky and snarky and that I have no patience for is people asking rhetorical questions. And then waiting for a damned answer. Oooh, that makes my eyeballs twitch.

Now, this is not a new phenomenon for me. I’ve railed against this ridiculous, pointless behavior for most of my life. To be honest, there was one member of my immediate family, who shall remain nameless (*cough* *kaff* mother… *cough* *cough*), that was way guilty of this nonsense. I spent the better part of my childhood having exchanges like this:

News Anchor on TV: …the would-be burglar required a rescue when he got himself stuck in the family’s chimney, and was unable to escape.

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: Tsk. That’s just stupid. What the hell is wrong with people?

Me: (Just let it go… leave it at that… let it go…)

*long uncomfortable pause*

Me: (Okay, good. That’s the end of –)

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: Well?!

Me: Um… what?

Unnamed Immediate Family Member: I said, what the hell is wrong with people?

And folks, there’s no good answer for that. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people. How the hell should I? Frankly, if I had to guess, I’d say that there’s probably all sorts of things wrong with people — some of them are crazy, others are brain-damaged… I imagine a lot of them are just plain ignorant.

But these are just guesses. There’s no way to know what the hell is wrong with people, so why ask the damned question? And more to the point, why demand an answer? We’re all allowed a few unanswerable questions now and then — ‘Why is the sky blue?‘, for instance. Or maybe, ‘Why is Jack such a raging asshole?‘. Or ‘Just who the hell do you think you are?

And that’s fine — I’m willing to give people a pass on those. Just so long as they don’t stand there, toe tapping, waiting for a damned answer. There are no answers! And if there were, then obviously I wouldn’t know them, would I? It’s just damned rude, if you ask me.

To me, the real crime is that this particular brand of bullshit shifts all the burden to reasonable people like me. See, I’m the one capable of having a normal, legitimate conversation, free of impossibly unknowable queries, and yet I’m the one who comes off looking like an asshole when I roll my eyes, or lash out, or savagely beat the questioner with a table lamp. Hey, I didn’t ask the rhetorical question — this shit isn’t my fault.

I think there should be a code word of some kind to get out of this situation. Whenever somebody asks you a question that you couldn’t possibly answer, and then pushes you for an answer, I think you ought to be able to say a single word that will let them, and everyone else around you, know what kind of asininery is going on. Something you wouldn’t accidentally use in other areas of conversation, like — I don’t know — how about ‘Asstweaker!’ Or maybe ‘Peeniepopper!’ Would you believe ‘Hamslapper’?

Okay, so the word itself needs some work. Still, the point is valid — there should be a word that is an answer, the answer, to all those questions that have no answers available. And it should be a word that makes everyone around immediately take notice, and stare all at once at whoever prompted the word to be screamed into the ether. That’s the only way these people will learn, folks. I’m just trying to make the world a better place is all. Who’s with me on this one?

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “What the Hell Is Wrong With Me? Huh? What Is It? What? Huh?!”

  1. nefarious says:

    Well, ‘Unnamed Immediate Family Member’ was probably expecting an answer because ‘What the hell is wrong with people?’ is not a rhetorical question since the answer is so glaringly obvious. They are stupid. All of ’em. Especially when they drive.

    Man, why are snarky old bastards bugged by rhetorical questions anyway? ;-)

  2. Jeff A says:

    Uhh sorry but asstweaker is out, that is what I call the people I work with!

  3. Jaded Angel says:

    I think I’ll just stick will “fucktard” it’s always worked well for me.

    Asstweaker just leaves too much room to be taken offensivly by gay men.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved