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Hey, Why Does the New Office Smell Like Asparagus?

Okay, before I get started tonight, a quick comment on a TV commercial that’s been playing lately:

Have you guys seen that ‘MLB on XM Radio’ ad, with the fans of rival teams running into each other and managing to be civil to each other? Cute, sure. But at the end, where the Red Sox and Yankees fans living next to each other shake hands?

No. I don’t think so. The only way any self-respecting Sox or Yanks fan shakes hands with someone on the ‘other side’ is if they’ve got a raging case of syphillis and they’ve just peed on their hand.

(And no, I’m pretty sure you probably can’t contract syphillis from a wet-wee handshake. Still, that doesn’t really matter, does it? You’ve still just pissed on your own hand, just so a little bit of it might rub off on the enemy. It’s not quite ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’, but it’s damned close. And far nastier.)

Okay, enough of that. What else can we rap about?

(See, ‘rap about’ — that’s me, trying to be ‘street’.

Which doesn’t work at fricking all, of course. The very first rule of talking ‘street’ is to not put ‘street’ in parentheses. Damn, I could never do this. In high school, I was voted ‘Least Likely to Raise the Roof’. Poopstain.)

Anyway, what’s next? How about the new office I moved into today? That was pretty cool. There was a bit of a touch-and-go moment, when my officemate offered to trade desks with me. I mean, sure, his side has a little more desk space — but we already ‘marked our territory’ last week, when we toured the place. I am so not sitting on that side now. Bleh.

(Hey, look at that — two peepee references in the same post. And to think I don’t even charge for this stuff. Crazy!)

So, the new office is cool. The only problem with it is that there aren’t any whiteboards. I know, I know, that’s all nerdy and shit — hey, see ‘street’ discussion above; this ain’t Ice-T you’re talking to here. At any rate, let’s just say that I like to draw stuff at work. Stuff with boobs, mostly — I have to disguise them, of course, but I know they’re still there, and that’s what matters. I’ve gotten good at it, too — ever seen an org chart with boobies? Done it. A to-do list where the first letter of the items spells out ‘L-O-V-E P-I-L-L-O-W-S’? That takes some doing, but I’ve gone the extra mile before. Or a Venn diagram with… well, okay, all Venn diagrams are basically just a set of cleavage. That’s barely even a challenge.

Anyway, the cool thing is, we figured out that we can just write on our windows. They erase, and everything, too. Not that we’d want to erase them — why not share the boobies with everyone, eh?

(No, really, ladies. Share the boobies. Just a little. Just a peek, is all I’m saying. We’ll talk later. I’ve got tat, if that’s what you’re after. Just a thought.)

So, all’s well in the new office. Today, we had desk chair races and packing peanut fights, and wrote rude words like ‘buttface’ and ‘stinkmonkey’ on Post-Its and slapped them on each others’ desks. Oh, and how we laughed and laughed. Tomorrow, we’re planning on going out to lunch at the combination Taco Bell-KFC a few blocks away — and how fucking awesome is that place, by the way? — so by tomorrow afternoon, we may just end up with some of the ‘christening components’ SilverBubble mentioned in the comments on my last post. Specifically, I’m thinking we’re probably in for a few ‘unidentified reddish-brown stains on the desk’ and ‘a sickly-sweet odor’, at a minimum. And tomorrow’s Friday, so there’s always a good chance that we’ll end up doing ‘a tribal dance’ or ‘chanting in a foreign language’. Particularly if we have the extra-crispy chicken chalupas. I like mine with refried beans and flaky biscuits. Ay, chihuahua, baby.

It Feels Like a Firing… But Without All the Shame and Crying!

Today was a little bit surreal.

(No, no, I mean a little bit more surreal than usual. I know what you’re thinking — based on the shit shoveled around here, you probably think my daily life is something out of a Dali painting. And it’s not quite that bad… but yeah, it gets a little weird. Not quite ‘melting clocks’ weird, or ‘stilty-legged elephant’ weird, but not normal, that’s for sure.)

Anyway, today I packed up my desk at work. I’m not quitting, or fired, or anything drastic like that — believe me, if you’ve seen my standup, you know I’m not in a position to ‘quit my day job’. Or hell, even my writing job — and that doesn’t come with a paycheck! Oh, and just for the record — you’re soaking in it, right now. Lap it up, there, puppies.

So, the thing is, I’m moving to a new spot. New office, new officemate, new building — the whole thing. And it was odd packing up — all the books, and the papers, and CDs and notes, and pens… ooh, and the office supplies! Man, those moving boxes leave a lot of room for Post-Its and notebooks and staplers and such. That made it feel like leaving for good, too — stealing all the supplies that I could stuff into my boxes. But hell, who knows where the office supplies will be in the new building — or if they’ll even have any. Maybe the new space is in Amish country, or something, where they don’t believe in self-adhesive writing pads. A guy’s got to look out for himself, right? And now, I could paper my walls in nine colors of sticky pads. Sweet.

Of course, it wasn’t quite like quitting or being fired today. Sure, I cleaned out my desk — and the supply closet — and went home early to start drinking. But there was none of the random ‘You’ll be sorry!‘ screaming in the hallways, or waggling my privates at the boss on the way out, or peeing in the coffee pot in the office kitchen as a ‘goodbye present’.

(Okay, so there was a little bit of weenie-waggling in the boss’ office. But she was already gone for the day, so it’s cool. I was just getting in a little practice, for when they do eventually shitcan me. Man, I sure hope her videoconferencing cam was off today, though. Yow.)

So, tomorrow I start work in a new office. My computer will be there, and my books, and all of my fabulous new office supplies. It’ll be a fresh start — maybe I’ll get more accomplished, and be more productive. Hell, I might even surf for less porn on my lunch break — anything’s possible, right? I just hope they don’t move the coffee maker from the old office. We had a couple of layoffs a few weeks ago, and that coffee hasn’t tasted right since. Maybe sometimes change is good, after all.