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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Move Over, Brawny, There’s a New Towel in Town — Now with Wings!

So, I’m watching baseball on ESPN tonight, and I see that Monday Night Baseball is brought to us by something called L’Oreal Men’s Expert. Wait… L’Oreal? Men’s?? Isn’t L’Oreal the smelly, colory crap that women use on their hair? Since when do companies catering to traditionally feminine needs feel the need to cross over into the realm of masculinatiousness? Where the hell is this going, anyway?

Honestly, what’s next? Condoms ribbed for his pleasure, and her comfort? ‘Massengill’s Mega-Manly Salad Dressing‘? Super-absorbent paper towels, brought to you by Playtex? Hugh Grant movies actually worth watching? My whole world is awobble.

Come to think of it, this phenomenon could work in reverse, too. How about Hemis under the hoods of those Lady Bics? Or beer that tastes like lilac? Would you believe Pamela Anderson in a poignant role as a scrappy, determined single mother in a very special Lifetime exclusive?

(Yeah. Me, neither. Unless she was shaking her silicone-enhanced sugar up and down a stripper pole to keep her kid in Frosted Flakes. But if that were the case, it wouldn’t be on Lifetime. And she’d be Demi Moore, and it’s already been done. So never mind.)

Anyway, it just struck me as odd. I suppose that L’Oreal stuff is for guys who want to color their hair — and that’s cool, if that helps you sleep at night. On a dye-stained pillow, to be sure, but still — to each his own hair color, I guess. I just figured that it would be a more… manly company that would move into that marketing space.

Like Krylon, maybe. You know, the company that makes spray paint for benches and deck chairs and that sort of thing. Hell, they’ve even got Johnny Bench shilling for them — there’s a fake-hair commercial waiting to happen, if I’ve ever seen one. Slap a big-assed thick black ‘fro on Johnny’s head, and you’d sell that shit to all sorts of guys, gray and bald alike.

Or maybe Wagner would be better. Their ‘Power Painter’ commercials are all over television, with guys filling in garages and houses and walls with all sorts of crazy colors. Line up a few gummy old men and paint their shocks of white hair up in clown colors with that thing; that’ll sell a few units.

Of course, maybe the key to getting rid of gray is simply cultivating more of your old, colored sort of hair, while discouraging the gray hairs from coming back. I smell a partnership opportunity there — maybe Roundup for the ‘weed’ killer, and ChemLawn for some sort of follicle fertilizer. Maybe without the horse poop and mulch, but hell, who knows — maybe phosphorus and nitrates are good for growing brunette hair. How can we know, if we don’t try?

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “Move Over, Brawny, There’s a New Towel in Town — Now with Wings!”

  1. QC says:

    What I don’t get is why a guy would want to cover up his grey. Salt and pepper is so sexy.

  2. Mellie Helen says:

    Seems to me that guys don’t like having to do chores over and over again. So instead of hair dye, that does have to be reapplied occasionally, how about: Magic Markers! They’re permanent!!

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