Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton Does Amazon: Marital Aids

Zolton Does Amazon: Marital Aids

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

A lot of single guys are deathly afraid of getting married. Some of them have girlfriends — or fiancees, or mothers, or pushy tuxedo salesmen — pressuring them to take the plunge, but to no avail. You’d think the “knot” they were tying was on a rope tied around the poor guy’s testicles — just before a bunjee jump over a horde of rabid in-laws. The classic “damned if you do, violently castrated with stretchy nylon rope if you don’t” dilemma.

Me, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I’ve been married for years, and I tell my bachelor buddies all the time: Getting married is the easiest thing in the world. You can do it in your sleep, practically. Or while drunk. Or in some states, while bound and gagged in the back of a pickup truck.

So getting married isn’t difficult at all. It’s the staying married that’s hard.

Let’s face it, “gentlemen” — we’re not exactly easy to share space with. Left to our own devices, we’re content to shovel our food, guzzle our beer, emit various gases and generally befoul our surroundings like the coothless savage half-shaven chimps that we are.

But with a woman, “to have and to hold” in the general proximity? Well, that requires us to be on our best possible behavior, 24/7/365, for somewhere in the neighborhood of the next forty to eighty years. Or until you drop dead of an aneurysm from trying to remember which fork to eat salad with, or which indistinguishable shade of white you’re supposed to paint the bathroom. Think you can handle that?

Think again, Bonzo.

“It’s a trick, right? These are blank white sheets of paper!”

Me, I’m in the marital doghouse so often that I started taking meals in a bowl on the floor. It’s just easier that way. But in the constant struggle to do just enough to not warrant a divorce, I do have some tools to help. Most of them I picked up on Amazon. Have a gander at these products, and my fake Amazon reviews:

How to Be a Gentleman

My Amazon Review:

This book was just what I was looking for — a clear and detailed explanation of how to behave civilly and graciously in almost any social situation. If I could just apply the lessons from this book to my life, my wife couldn’t help but be proud of me.

Unfortunately, I started reading it during dinner on the couch watching TV, and got pizza sauce all over the first few pages. Some of the middle bits are sort of blurred from when I accidentally spilled beer on it, and a few pages near the end are … well, missing. Let’s just say that there are certain advantages to reading a book in the bathroom when a toilet paper emergency arises.

What’s left is great information, and I’m sure it’ll really be useful.

Also, all things considered, it’s probably lucky I didn’t opt for the Kindle edition this time.

13-piece Grooming Kit

My Amazon Review:

The first step to being on your best behavior is looking your best, so I picked up this 13-piece grooming kit. I’ll be honest — I wasn’t entirely sure that I had thirteen parts that NEED grooming. And I have no idea what some of these gadgets are for, exactly. The “traveling toothbrush” didn’t go anywhere on its own, that I could see. And a “cuticle pusher” sounds like the tough guy on the street corner my mother warned me about.

Still, with a little trial and error, I put the tools to good use. The nail clippers are great for clearing out ear wax, the lint brush is a super alternative to dandruff shampoo, and the nose hair clippers work just about anywhere that resembles a nostril. Even vaguely. Which is more places than you’d think.

“Beauty is only skin deep. But with these, I’ll be pretty two full inches inside!”

Most importantly, I use the shaving mirror to keep a lookout to make sure no one can see the dangerous and unspeakable grooming experiments being performed. I’m not fabulous yet, but with this kit I think I eventually stand a chance. Remember, Rome wasn’t manscaped in a day.

Remote Controlled Fart Machine

My Amazon Review:

Nothing sours a sweetie’s puss quite like passing wind in her vicinity. But try as we might, there are times when it’s simply unpossible to keep the blast doors shut and the noxious gas contained. That’s when this device really comes in handy.

I took the sound emitter, hid it under the dog’s blanket, and stashed the remote control in my pocket. When the pressure mounted and the gassy hounds demanded release, I simply let them go — silently, if at all possible. And then tapped the remote. Bingo! The sound came from the direction of the dog; ergo, the godforsaken eye-watering noxious stench must have come from the dog, too. My wife blamed the mutt’s butt instead of mine, and the day was saved.

“Bitch, I done tol’ you: It wasn’t me.

Of course, it was a harder sell when we were in another room. Or the dog was nowhere near her blanket when it “went off.” Or when the dog found the device and carried it through the house making slobbery chewing fart noises everywhere she went. I tried blaming it on beans in her kibble, but the jig was up.

Now I’m paying for the ruse. The wife’s being extra-nice to the dog for all the abuse she gave it, and she won’t let me in the house without three shots of Bean-O and an absorbent sponge down the back of my pants. Peachy.

Dozen Red Roses

My Amazon Review:

Nothing says “love” like “Honey, I’m sorry I’m a slack-jawed Neanderthal with the social graces of a lobotomized hyena.”

And nothing says “I’m sorry” better than roses. Lots and lots and lots of roses.

So I figure, screw it. It’s too hard acting civilized, trying to look sharp and walking the straight, narrow and uncomfortable path that leads to Miss Manners’ cottage. The lessons are unlikely to stick, anyway, so I might as well get on with my filthy heathen life and apologize with flowers when I step out of line.

With lots. And lots. And LOTS of flowers.

Yeah, it could get a tad expensive. But if the alternative is “fork classes” and learning the difference between eggshell and ecru, then color me rosy. At least it’ll keep me out of the doghouse… right?

“We pretty much knew it would end this way, didn’t we?”

Want to continue the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon!

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved