Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Zolton Does Amazon: Cirque du Jerk

Zolton Does Amazon: Cirque du Jerk

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

Last weekend, my wife dragged me out to see Cirque du Soleil. I was skeptical, to say the least. If Loverboy, Celine Dion and that girl from How I Met Your Mother have taught us anything, it’s that French Canadians and artsy performances do not mix.

Still, I gave it a go. And as I watched, a magical thing happened. Somewhere between the plum-smuggling club jugglers and the bendy girls who can eat lunch off their own rear ends, I remembered: I always wanted to be in the circus. Performing under the big top, dodging mounds of elephant scat, picking up hobos and dressing them as clowns — yep, that’s the life for me.

Tragically, I never gave it a shot. I always figured my lack of talent, fumbly fingers, fear of heights, generous size, brittle joints, two left feet, terrible aim and severe caramel corn allergy would keep me out of the circus forever.

But why quibble with reality when is right here with everything I need to realize my big top dream? If you’ve always wanted to run away and le join le Cirque, read on for a game plan to make it happen — and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed. Maybe you can join me in the big show someday. If nothing else, we’re always looking for more hobos.

Men’s Tights

My Amazon Review:

I figured I should look the circus part, so I ordered a pair of these tights. And when they say “tights,” they’re not just whistling Dixie. In fact, if they were wearing a pair of these, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be ABLE to whistle. Or breathe, especially. I sneezed while wearing mine, and blew out a big toe.

On the same note, they’re not especially flattering on certain body types. I checked myself in the mirror, and it looked like somebody had stretched cheesecloth over two lopsided watermelons. I’m not even going to say whether I was facing front or back at the time. Just be glad this isn’t a video review, is all I’m saying.

I’m not sure whether there’s such a thing as “Brontosaurus Toe.” But I’m quite certain you do NOT want to see it. You’re welcome.

Face Painting Kit

My Amazon Review:

Everybody loves a clown, so I bought this kit to work on my over-aggressive cheek appling and “Whaaaa?!” eyebrows. The paint was great — easy on, easy off, no mess and no stains. I scared the bejeezus out of my wife by waking her up with a wide variety of painted-on faces, so it definitely works. She has a “clown thing,” it turns out — some sort of early trauma involving a McDonald’s Happy Meal. So everybody loves a clown but *her*, evidently.

Sadly, I didn’t get to use the whole kit, because my dog got into it after the first couple of days and lapped up the rest of the paint. It’s non-toxic, so it doesn’t seem to have hurt her — but taking her on bathroom walks has been a lot more interesting since then. When she squats, it’s like opening a bag of Skittles. I might buy another kit and add it to her food, just to keep the neighbors’ stares coming.

Complete Juggling Set

My Amazon Review:

You can’t have a circus without jugglers, so that seemed like an easy way for me to get into the ring. I bought this set, thinking that “Complete” meant it would have everything I’d need to learn to land a big top job.

Not so. This set only has balls, scarves, pins, rings and a plate. That’s it. Where are the knives? The chainsaws? The bowling balls and flaming torches and long-handled hatchets? “Complete”? Hardly.

Still, I figured I could at least learn the “remedial” stuff before sending it back for a refund. So I tried juggling the pins. Three bonks on the head, two smashed toes and a Heimlich maneuver later, I think I might go a different career direction than juggler, after all. Unless maybe the chainsaws are actually easier. I should give that a shot first, just to be sure.

As it happens, this is approximately how most of Paris Hilton’s “juggling” performances end, too.

Sassafras Leaf Swing

My Amazon Review:

My favorite part of the circus is all the aerial acts — artists swooping back and forth and looping overhead like a flock of graceful, wingless non-pooping birds. I’ll have to work my way up to the hard stuff, but I bought this swing to practice some basic moves — flips and throws and somersaults, nothing too difficult.

Unfortunately, I live in a condo, and I don’t have anywhere outside to tie it up. So I asked my wife if I could hang it on the shower rod, and practice stunts in the bathroom. She said I could put it there just as soon as I could do a running backflip and land in the tub. So I tried.

That didn’t go well.

Does giving yourself an involuntary Pert Plus enema count as “sticking the landing”? I need a ruling down here.

When I’d mostly healed, I suggested that since we already had the swing, maybe we could just hang it in the shower for more … “romantic” pursuits.

She said I’d have to do a DOUBLE backflip for that. So it looks like I’m going to need a good chiropractor — whether I manage to land this move or not.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved