Well, shit on a Chiclet, people — I didn’t expect that.
Seriously. I thought I was just writing a whimsical little ditty about phone screening. But a handful of people were nice enough to take the time to comment, and all of them (or ‘one of you’, if you’re on the list) wanted to know about the job.
(Yeah, sure, I know — I did call on people to reach out and get their resumes in. But how the hell could I know people would take me vaguely seriously? I mean, it’s never happened before. Hell, I had to propose to my wife six times before she decided I meant it. Who knew?)
Anyway, just to satisfy your curiousity (not to mention my word quota for tonight’s post), here’s the actual job listing that I’m hiring for… with my own comments in parentheses. You just knew I couldn’t resist a few sets of parentheses, didn’t you?
The candidate will produce designs and code to satisfy user needs within the (<name removed to cover my sorry ass>) group. Initial assignments will concentrate on our SNP discovery work, specifically handling complex strategic reporting and sequencing pipeline assignments. (Sadly — and much to my own initial chagrin — ‘SNP’ does not, in fact, stand for ‘Sorority Nipple Parties’. So yeah, I was pretty disappointed, too.)
The candidate must be comfortable with the molecular biology domain, including sequencing pipelines and genotyping pipelines. (And don’t forget the ‘kissing my ass’ pipeline. Once we build it, of course.)
S/he must have a proven track record of successful delivery of accurate product and application deliverables in an intense work environment. (I’m not exactly sure what an ‘intense work environment’ entails. But I assure you that in our office, we hardly ever work with guns pointed at our heads, or fat guys sitting on us, or rabid Bengali tigers chasing us down the hall. Sometimes the fat guy in the corner office chases us down the hall, but he’s relatively harmless. And he never has a gun. Almost never, anyway.)
In the (<again, name removed, in the interest of my own self-preservation>) group, employees are responsible for proactively gathering requirements, writing specifications, creating designs, and delivering production quality code. In other words, this is not a position where the developer will be handed a detailed spec to code — the developer must proactively seek out and collaborate with users in order to rapidly produce the desired deliverables. (In other words… here’s your desk. Good luck, there, cupcake.)
So, there you have it, all you interested parties. I can almost hear the flood of resumes surging my way right now. Get ’em in quick to avoid the rush, folks. And remember — a couple of twenties paper-clipped to the cover letter goes a long way further than actually meeting any of those pesky requirement thingies. Man, maybe this hiring business isn’t so bad, after all.Permalink | 1 Comment