Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

I Also Accept Large, Extravagant Bribes

So, my office is hiring right now.

(Yes, that’s right, folks — get those resumes in here. Applicants should be enthusiastic, bright, well organized, and ready to kiss my ass like it was covered in strawberry frosting. Which it sometimes is, but that’s probably not relevant right now.)

Anyway, we’ve got an open position around the old workplace, and I’ve been saddled with the responsibility of making the first cuts in the field of hopefuls. This time around, that involves phone screening a half dozen people or more.

Yes, phone screening. The bastard child of the interview process. Phone screens are to actually hiring an employee as copping a feel on a crowded bus is to a big church wedding. It’s a crock.

And the worst part is, you can’t really gauge a person from a phone interview. I mean, how am I supposed to tell whether the person will fit in if I can’t see their reactions? The look of horror when I describe the working conditions… the nauseated snarl when I go over the salary and benefits… the cackling grin when I slip a joke in among the interview questions… these are important details, dammit!

(Oh. No, wait. I think I mixed up the reactions and the stimuli there — I think the cackles are for the salary, and the working conditions usually get the snarl. That would leave the nausea for my jokes. Yeah, that’s about right. Bitches.)

So, I’ve got to figure out some way to separate the wheat from the chaff without actually being able to see these people. It’s tough — they’ve all got roughly the same skills, and experience, and they all tell me pretty much what I want to hear… I feel like I’m not ‘screening’, per se; I’m really just spending half-hour chunks of my life talking about work while trying not to cry. I suppose it’s good practice for when I see my family over Christmas break, but I’m not sure I’m accomplishing anything useful.

Oh, well. I guess I’ll just bring all these people in, and talk to them in person. Then I’ll be able to figure out whether any of them can make it in our office. And more importantly, whether any of them can whip out a convincing fake laugh when I tell a joke. Oh, yeah. That‘ll get you an offer. Pucker up, baby.

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “I Also Accept Large, Extravagant Bribes”

  1. Joe says:

    Can you at least tell us what the job is, Charlie?

    I’m not going to kiss your ass unless I know it’s for a good reason!

  2. nefarious says:

    Charlie, you could give the job to your jobless fellow blogging buddies… hint hint.. wink wink.. nudge nudge.

  3. orchid says:

    I kiss butt!!! Wanna hire me???

  4. Monkey says:

    Whenever I have to hire people, I always test their absorbency first. Dip each candidate in bluish liquid and see what happens. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

  5. Steph says:

    Yeah, no kidding, what the hell is the job?

    How you expecting to hire for it, if people have no idea they are actually candidates.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved