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Refreshingly Honest Chinese Restaurant Delivery Menu Items

Appetizers

Chicken Satay: The dipping sauce is peanut butter. It’s always just peanut butter.

Egg Roll: Because let’s face it — we have to. We get them in bulk, like cartons of fat brown cigarettes.

Crab Rangoon: If an even number of people are dining, we’ll bring you five. If an odd number, we’ll bring seven. Unless seven people are dining, in which case we’ll bring you one and six sets of sharpened chopsticks.

Steamed Shumai: Yes, it tastes good. No, we don’t know why it smells like that, either.

French Fries: Don’t order these. We don’t want to make them. You don’t want to eat them. And you don’t want us rubbing our junk on them while we drive to your house. Move along.

Wanton Soup: It’s not a typo. The soup is kind of a dick.

PuPu Platter (for 2): We both know you’re going to eat it alone on your couch. Just don’t look over your shoulder like someone’s calling you when we deliver it. We don’t want to be a part of whatever’s going on in there, man.

Entrees

Mongolian Beef: The chef isn’t really from Mongolia. But the cow might have been.

“Consider yourself lucky we don’t stuff it with chicken toenails.”

House Special Fried Rice: The ‘special’ thing is that we bring it to your house. Consider yourself lucky we don’t stuff it with chicken toenails.

Peking Duck: We ask that you order at least an hour in advance. Preferably two hours. Actually, if you could let us know now, we’ll get it to you by next Tuesday. Probably.

Veggie Tofu Hot Pot: Just FYI, our driver is probably going to run a few errands on the way, and maybe stop at his girlfriend’s place. But “Veggie Tofu Lukewarm Pot” doesn’t look as nice on the menus.

Beef Bulgogi: The chef’s not Korean, either. But neither are you. Would you know the difference if we chopped up some Steak-umms and threw it on rice? We didn’t think so.

Chicken with Broccoli: If you don’t order extra rice, this doesn’t come with rice. If you do order extra rice, this comes with three boxes of rice.

Drunken noodles: They weren’t supposed to be; the kitchen staff is just scared to take the chef’s vodka. He’s pretend-Mongolian, you know.

Crispy Pork: So far as you know right now, the thing we bring you will meet both of these criteria. Hold on to that feeling as long as you can.

Moo Shu Shrimp: Don’t worry; we’ll give you enough shrimp to match the pancakes. And we assume you have enough Tupperware for the nine pounds of leftover cabbage.

Black Pepper Squid: We’ve only highlighted the pepper to distract you from the tubful of MSG we poured on first.

Twice-Cooked Pork: Full disclosure here — it’s technically “once-cooked, once-left-under-a-heat-lamp-for-three-hours-until-somebody-finally-ordered-the-last-serving pork”. How about if we dunk it in vodka? That usually helps.

Happy Family: Actually, we fight a lot. One kid turned vegan and the other’s trying to get into Berkeley. You know how much that costs? The dish is tasty, though. Thanks for asking.

Vegetable Pad Thai: Yeah, we do Thai, too, apparently. And there’s probably beef in this. And Mongolian vodka, and definitely peanut butter “sauce”. You want to argue with the chef? Hey, it’s your funeral.

Dessert

Green Tea Ice Cream: It’s not great. We’re not really dessert people. On the bright side, by the time we get it to you, it’ll be warm green tea again. With milk.

Green Tea Ice Cream: Look, I told you — we’re not dessert people. We’ve got tea ice cream. Take it or leave it.

Green Tea Ice Cream: Oh, just get the goddamned ice cream already, PuPu face. Jesus.