Tis the Seeeeeeeason

March 19, 2014

There’s something really great about political correctness.

I mean, sure, the “not alienating people” is nice. Fostering inclusivity, making the world a better place, pissing off bigots and traditionalists — these are all just super and fun and peachy.

But what’s really great about political correctness is how vague you can be about it.

Take, for instance, my last post here, back in December. I promised then that I’d be back “after the holidays”.

(Probably, I said that.

Oh, look, don’t go back and look, for crissakes. Let’s just assume I said that, all right? Give me this one.)

In some ways, that was a very PC thing to say. I’m all sensitive and shit in that way. I don’t want to “Christmas!!!” someone who celebrates Hanukkah, or drop Kwanzaa greetings in the lap of a solemn Festivus observer, or wish a happy new year to some dude stubbornly observing the Julian calendar, for some reason.

Also, some people are Wiccans. I don’t know what they celebrate, exactly, but I’m sure to say it wrong, dress up wrong for the party, and then put on the wrong shade of black eyeliner before we go out to ritually cut ourselves with pine needles in the forest or whatever.

“May the spirit, spirits, ghosts, deities or complete lack of unprovable metaphysical entities fill you during this possibly-but-not-necessarily blessed season.”

Much better — and waaaaay less offensive, as you can imagine — to simply call them “holidays”. As in: happy holidays. Enjoy your holidays. May the spirit, spirits, ghosts, deities or complete lack of unprovable metaphysical entities fill you during this possibly-but-not-necessarily blessed season. Of holidays.

Maybe it seems complicated. But it keeps me from getting punched at winter parties.

Well, except the Wiccan ones. Obviously.

My point is, for all the good and PC-itude of my “holiday” sentiments, that’s not really the beauty of the statement. The true magic of saying here that I’ll be back “after the holidays” is that I didn’t really, technically, specifically say which holidays in particular that I meant.

It just so happens that in this case, “holidays” included Martin Luther King Day, Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Ash Wednesday, Purim and St. Patrick’s Day.

Also, Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony Day, Pi Day and Steak and a Blowjob Day, but who’s counting? And why in hell did we only celebrate one of those in my household?

(Hint: It’s the one with curling.)

(I’ve said too much.)

Anyway, the holidays — or “holidays”, for the purposes of this long-winded excuse — are over now, and I’m back. At least until the next round of winter holidays. Or until the Wiccans tie me to a stake and roast me for Halloween. Ho ho ho, homies.