Fun with Google, Take Three

May 23, 2004

All right, boys and girls. I hate to do this to you, but I’m afraid it can’t be helped. It’s time once again for the weblog equivalent of a ‘clip show’. That’s right, it’s time to dig in for a third installment of ‘Look What Kinds of Ridiculous Searches Bring People to This Site‘.

Hey, don’t look at me that way. I’ve been here almost a frigging year, and I’ve only resorted to this crap three times. Cut me some slack, dammit. Now, let’s get on with it, all right?

Okay, here goes — these are some of these searches that various desperate, horny, and/or demented netizens have recently used to find this humble web abode:

monkey cereal spam tofu — Well, it doesn’t sound tasty, exactly, but I guess somebody out there is interested in this stuff. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable in anything with ‘monkey’ and ‘spam’ in the same context — isn’t that stuff made from pig innards and rat parts?
Arby’s oven mitt flash — all right, look, is somebody really looking for that damned oven mitt to flash the goods on camera? For that matter, does an oven mitt have ‘goods’ to flash? This is just weird… and yet, I’m strangely excited. Woo.
pick-a-boob — how hard could this possibly be, people? Look, it’s ‘left’ or it’s ‘right’, and in most cases, they’re pretty much the damned same, right? What’s to pick? Unless you’re that trimammaried girl from Total Recall, at least.
swim up bars in the United States — frankly, I’m not up on this list myself, though I’d very much like to be. Hell, I’ve considered flooding my basement, just do I could float up to the kitchen to grab a beer. But the wife won’t go for it. Meh.
bovine spongebob — what, ‘Spongebob’ is a cow, now? How the hell did this happen? And who ever heard of ‘Guernsey Squarepants’? Suddenly, I’m just violently uncomfortable. And thirsty for milk… but I’m sure that’s completely unrelated.
health effects of matchlight charcoal — well, I’m not expert, but I’m guessing that depends on what you’re doing with the charcoal. Me, I cook with it, and I haven’t noticed many ill effects at all. But if you’re smoking the things, or using them as any sort of ‘suppository’… well, then yeah, you’re probably gonna have some issues. Not cool.
barbi “sleep and keep” — I can’t help thinking this is some sort of weird, perverted thing that I’m just not privy to. And dammit, that makes me jealous. Tell me what this means!
stockings pippi groin — Um, yeah. Ditto the last one, pretty much. I don’t know how the hell this search got you here, but if you find any pictures… you know, call me.
yankee shithead — what? You mean Derek Jeter? Mariano Rivera? Or George Steinbrenner, maybe? Yeah, they’re both of those things, that’s for sure. What’s your point?
superzoom nude beach — I dunno… ‘superzoom? Frankly, I think I’d appreciate the exquisite joys that a nude beach might bring without seeing the pubic follicle-holes of whoever I’m ogling at. ‘Zoom’? Cool. ‘Superzoom’? Nah. That’s a little too real.
king dong pictures — Christ, man, don’t you get porn spam? Why the hell would you search for such a thing? I get thirty-eight emails a day offering that shit. Wake up and smell the Cialis, dude.

All right, that’s enough for tonight. Sorry for mainly slacking off on a Sunday, but hell — what are Sundays for, anyway? You can’t possibly expect me to put out for real every night, can you? Can you? Can you? What kind of animal perverts are you, anyway? Bitches.