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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Visigoths. FD&C Red Number 2. Melanie Griffith’s acting career.
What do these things have in common — besides having awful reputations, being scary as hell and capable of killing you in multiple ways?
They’re all extinct. Dead as dinosaurs, dodo birds and dot-matrix printers.
There’s no shame in dying out, of course; it happens to all of us eventually. Plants, animals, hairstyles, people — even whole companies, snuffed out in the prime of their supply chain management cycle.
(Or more likely, somewhat past their prime. I’m just saying.)
One sector at high risk for this sort of corporate genocide is the kind of electronics company you find in shopping malls. Long the haven of those desperate for Walkman-sized batteries or the latest BetaMax blockbuster, time — and Amazon, and CostCo, and Newegg, and a thousand others — have finally passed these brick-and-mortar Cinnabon neighbors by.
Nearly gone but not forgotten, today I’m paying homage to these former FM antenna and phone adapter giants. In their honor, I visited some of the biggest names in suburban mall electronics.
I mean, not in person, of course. I’m not driving all the way out there for an Orange Julius and a three hundred percent markup. What is this, the nineties?
Instead, of course, I checked them out on Facebook. Read on for my tributes — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. It’s the next-best thing to an off-brand boom box and a new NES controller. Ah, those were the days.
The post:
The post:
The post:
The post:
Last week, Zolton chilled out with Bird’s Eye, Totino’s, Ore-Ida and Gorton’s. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
A lot of things can go wrong in life. When the inevitable happens — an accident, broken valuables, minor injury — the best thing is to thoroughly assess the damage, seek professional advice if needed, gather the appropriate tools, and carefully and meticulously make the repair.
Yeah. Nobody does that. Who does that? Maybe the Amish. So, nobody.
In the modern world, when our stuff — or our body parts — break down, we don’t have the time or the money or probably the attention span to make the “right” fix. No, we make the quick fix — just enough taping up or lashing together or stopping the bleeding to get us to the next disaster. Which we can hopefully blame on someone else, along with the cock-up we just half-assed fixed.
To make these ghetto repairs happen, we need the right — or usually, the wrong — supplies. So I went online to let my favorite quick-fix companies know how they’re doing. Read on for my comments — and my actual posts on the companies’ Facebook walls. You’ll never look at bungee cords and bailing wire the same way again.
They say you can hold anything together with bubble gum.
Wait, no. I say that. But it takes a helluva lot of chewing to get the job done:
When you’re cutting corners and something goes haywire, the advice is always, “Just put a Band-Aid on it.”
Well, that’s great and all — but what if you never take the Band-Aid off? Evidently, I’m not the only one who’s wanted to find out:
Then there’s the company whose very name is a ‘fix’. Guys like me use duct tape to hold half our stuff together. A lot of us called it “duck tape” — which was wrong, unless we were using it to truss a bird for grilling, maybe.
Which we did. Sometimes.
Then the Duck company came along, and made their own tape. So now ‘Duck tape’ is right. Though using it to fix electronics? Probably still wrong:
Finally, there’s hot glue. You can fix anything with hot glue — for a few days, at least, when it’s sure to break again. Which just means it needs another fix — with hot glue.
Of course, hot glue needs a hot glue gun. I was very excited when I heard of those things — though the reality is a little disappointing:
The next time something of yours breaks — whether a toilet seat, a television or a tibia — keep these fixit tips and products in mind. You may not get the job done right, but you’ll get the job done quick.
Suck on that, Amish. Yeah.
Last week, Zolton battled “to the pain” with Vick’s, Excedrin, Visine and PeptoBismol. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
“Life is pain, princess.”
It seems fitting on Talk Like a Pirate Day to invoke the wisdom of one of history’s most legendary swashbucklers.
(What, you want more movie pirate references? As you wish.)
Of course, we’ve come a long way since the days of swordfights and royal kidnappings and Detective Columbo reading bedtime stories. These are gentler, less painful times. We don’t fight “to the pain” or get roughed up by brute squads in the Pit of Despair; we have the sniffles and hangovers and carpal tunnel syndrome. And we’ve got plenty of fancy pills and tonics to take care of those — even when we’re not mostly dead.
To commem-Arrrr!-ate our pillaging of even the smallest princess pains, I swabbed the Facebook decks of a few companies dedicated to wiping out various modern sicknesses and discomforts. Read on for all the booty — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ walls. A gold doubloon to ye who reads ’em all first, matey!
I started by commandeering an old cold remedy for new and nefarious purposes.
Well, maybe not nefarious. More like ‘defoliating’. But sweet lass Rose evidently likes my gumption:
‘Tis a sad tale, but even analgesics get keel-hauled and marooned sometimes. I wanted this one to know there’s always room in my galley for them:
The sea be a fickle mistress — and so can the women we live with. I may feel like I’m in a leaky lifeboat without a paddle, but I’ve got me one good eye on the answer to my SOS:
The pirate life don’t come easy. Those bottles of rum can add up to a sour tummy even old Blackbeard couldn’t abide. So when I’m not feeling in the pink, I reach out for something that’s spent it’s share of time on the poop deck:
Will any of this poppycock ease a pirate’s pain? Inconceivable.
But buck up, Buttercup. We should be glad our suffering involves only a headache, a headcold or a bad case of heartburn. I mean, it could be worse. It’s not like we started a land war in Asia or something. Yarrrr.
Last week, Zolton turned a murderous eye to Clorox, Dr. Scholl’s, Morton Salt and Scope. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
I’m a pretty easy-going guy. I don’t backhand idiots in public, mostly. I barely have any road rage outside the hours of six AM to midnight. And it’s rare that I’d hold a grudge for more than fifteen or twenty years. Zolton rarely angry. Zolton generally disinclined to smash.
However.
When my home is overrun with pests — insects or critters, crawlers or salesmen — well, that changes the game. Something snaps when I’m protecting my own turf, and I don’t just fight. I kill.
The question is, how best to sweep my sworn enemies out of my house, off this mortal coil, and into a waiting Hefty bag? That’s exactly what I asked of some of my favorite incorporated murderers… er, I mean, companies. Read on for my diabolical inquiries — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ official walls.
But fair warning, if you’re some kind of pest apologist — this shit’s about to get real.
When I think of death and messy cleanup of bodies, I think of bleach. So I figured, who better to help me plan a mass murder than a bunch of bleach experts?
Sadly, their rep Claire wasn’t quite as “thug” as I might have hoped:
Undeterred, I schemed to send some vermin to the deep freeze. By deep freezing them, which is totally poetic and badass at the same time. It’s like Chuck Norris reading Yeats while he karate chops a samurai in half.
So badass, in fact, that the company wouldn’t even talk about it. Because the gubment won’t let them. HAAAAIII-yah!:
So I took on a new enemy. Something no salt-of-the-earth company could love — a real set of slimeballs. And I didn’t ask for help, advice or federal permission. All I asked for? More ammunition:
Clearly, it was time to think bigger. Murderier. Furrier.
I figured anything that can kill ninety-nine percent of germs could handle a couple of tree rats. And stay minty fresh in the meantime, to boot:
In the end, I didn’t get much help for my murderous plans. Which just goes to prove: if you want something slaughtered, Facebook is probably not the best place to go for advice.
You totally take that shit to Twitter. That’s where the real gangstas hang out, yo. #stonecold #pesticidal #orkin4life
Last week, Zolton schooled Swingline, Bic, High Sierra and Elmer’s Glue. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
Permalink | No CommentsI originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.
Children. Teachers. Parents.
These are but a few of the people who would be utterly horrified to find out I was going back to school this fall. Luckily, the nation’s schoolhouse halls and cafeterias and basement detention dungeons are once again safe. I have about as much chance of enrolling for classes as Cleatus Spuckler has of becoming a Harvard Law professor.
(That shit might fly at Brown. But not at Big H, brother.)
Still, ’tis the schooling season, so I decided to try out a few back-to-school supplies. Of course, I couldn’t very well post reviews of these products as an out-of-school over-the-hill ne’er-do-well — those kids, educators and parental types would frown on that kind of thing. It might even go on my permanent record.
So I followed the old saying: If you can’t beat ’em, imp ’em.
So matriculate yourself down the page for my some childrens’, parent’s and teacher’s reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the companies’ walls — of these back-to-school staples. And staplers, for that matter.
Let’s get right to the pop quiz, peeps:
You can’t (pretend to) be a real serious pupil unless you rock your own stapler. Personally, I’d go for the red model from Office Space. My alter ego, however, took a different route. Luckily, Swingline knows how to fashionably accessorize their fashion accessories:
Speaking of “alter egos”, there’s more than one way for a student to get in touch with his feminine side. Most of those ways involve keg parties, cross-dressing hazing rituals or confusing but persuasive psychology lectures.
Or so I’m told.
But now there’s yet another way — thanks to your writing utensil-us full of ink-us:
Of course, school supplies don’t do you any good if you’ve got no way to schlep them to the schoolhouse. Your kid will only go as far in life as a good backpack will take him.
Or in some cases, a good backpack and fourteen dozen Big Macs:
Finally, we know it’s hard to educate our youth. They don’t listen. They’ve got the interwebs and the X-Cubes and Dora the Exhorter telling them what to do. It’s almost impossible to get a lesson to stick.
Especially when it’s close to lunch time:
Maybe it’s better I’m not heading back to class. Kids these days have enough problems, without me sullying their stash of school supplies. Better they should get an education on their own.
Besides, those little ankle-nippers would probably try to steal my paste. And I’m telling you — with a little gravy and a baked potato, this stuff is delicious. Here endeth the lesson.
Last week, Zolton “pledged” to annoy AlphaHydrox, Gamma2, Delta and Nestle. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or ‘Like’ them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton’s own Facebook page!
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