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Zolton's Facebook Follies: Aches and Pirates

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

"Life is pain, princess."

It seems fitting on Talk Like a Pirate Day to invoke the wisdom of one of history's most legendary swashbucklers.

(What, you want more movie pirate references? As you wish.)

Of course, we've come a long way since the days of swordfights and royal kidnappings and Detective Columbo reading bedtime stories. These are gentler, less painful times. We don't fight "to the pain" or get roughed up by brute squads in the Pit of Despair; we have the sniffles and hangovers and carpal tunnel syndrome. And we've got plenty of fancy pills and tonics to take care of those -- even when we're not mostly dead.

To commem-Arrrr!-ate our pillaging of even the smallest princess pains, I swabbed the Facebook decks of a few companies dedicated to wiping out various modern sicknesses and discomforts. Read on for all the booty -- and my actual Facebook posts on the companies' walls. A gold doubloon to ye who reads 'em all first, matey!

I started by commandeering an old cold remedy for new and nefarious purposes.

Well, maybe not nefarious. More like 'defoliating'. But sweet lass Rose evidently likes my gumption:

Vick's VapoRub

'Tis a sad tale, but even analgesics get keel-hauled and marooned sometimes. I wanted this one to know there's always room in my galley for them:


The sea be a fickle mistress -- and so can the women we live with. I may feel like I'm in a leaky lifeboat without a paddle, but I've got me one good eye on the answer to my SOS:


The pirate life don't come easy. Those bottles of rum can add up to a sour tummy even old Blackbeard couldn't abide. So when I'm not feeling in the pink, I reach out for something that's spent it's share of time on the poop deck:


Will any of this poppycock ease a pirate's pain? Inconceivable.

But buck up, Buttercup. We should be glad our suffering involves only a headache, a headcold or a bad case of heartburn. I mean, it could be worse. It's not like we started a land war in Asia or something. Yarrrr.

Last week, Zolton turned a murderous eye to Clorox, Dr. Scholl's, Morton Salt and Scope. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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