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I Don’t Need a Car — I Need a Frickin’ Aspirin

I just saw the most bewildering commercial. I honestly don’t know what the hell to think of it; even as I write this, I have the ‘Did I really just see that?’ look on my face. You know the one — you had it yourself, if you saw the Madonna-Britney ‘tongues a-flapping’ stunt, or peeped Tawny Kitaen’s mug shot from a few months ago (apparently, she’s been dancing underneath fancy cars, rather than on top of them, for the past few years), or sat through ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?‘ It’s the look of shock, and disbelief, and boggly-mindedness. I’ve got that look right now, and here’s why:

The commercial was for a local car dealership, and started out innocently enough. There was the usual ‘Buy! Buy! Buy!‘ nonsense, with plenty of accolades and teasers thrown around — in the aftermath, I don’t really remember the specifics, but you’ve heard these commercials. They’re always saying things like:

‘Best selection on our half of the block! As far as you know, anyway.‘

‘Lowest prices ever — we’re living in these cars, so we can bring ’em to you cheap!‘

‘Act now, and you’ll have no payments for three decades! No interest, either! Hell, just steal a car — it’s the same thing!‘

‘We’re crazy to sell ’em so low — just crazy! Look, I’m biting myself! Mmmpppphh! Ow! Dammit! That’s crazy!‘

Blah, blah, blah. Same old shit, right? But then, right at the end, they deviated from the script, and said the following, to entice customers out to their lot:

‘You’ve got to get here soon. Remember: tomorrow, today will be yesterday’s today.‘

That’s right, folks. ‘Tomorrow… today will be yesterday’s today.‘ Read that a couple of times. Say it to yourself; let it sink in. I’ll wait.

Got it? Good.

So, I’ll admit, that little nugget of wisdom stopped me dead cold for a couple of minutes. I just sat there on the couch, drooling and staring at the wall.

‘Tomorrow… today will be… yesterday’s today.‘

I simply couldn’t process it, or let go of it, or wrap my little mind around it. Or breathe, as far as I can remember. My whole world stopped for a while, as I turned it over and over in my head. I may have peed, just a little.

Until finally… slowly… it clicked. After several repetitions, three swigs of gin, and a sharp blow to the head, it clicked. Tomorrow… today will be yesterday’s today. Ohhhhhhh. Okay, I got it now. It’s today right now, but tomorrow, today will be yesterday’s today. Gotcha. It actually does make some sort of sense.

Now. While we’re here and all, I’ve got just one more question:

‘What in the name of Henry Ford’s dungaree-clad ass cheeks does that fricking mean, and why would anyone believe that it would be a useful way to sell used automobiles?‘

Seriously, I couldn’t tell you a thing about the rest of that commercial, other than that there were cars involved. I don’t know the name of the place, or the location, or what interest rates they’re offering on a barely-used full-sized Volvo sedan. All I know from watching their thirty-second clip is:

‘Tomorrow… today will be yesterday’s today.‘

And that gets me — and by extension, them, the car salesmen — a big fat bunch of approximately nowhere. I and everyone else who saw that ad is just sitting in our living rooms, stunned and covered in our own drool, while the car lot is dead empty because nobody can remember what the hell the commercial is for in the first place.

I’m at a loss. I don’t know whether to clap, frown, or snort derisively. I’m still unable to move half my body, and my face is frozen in this dazed ‘What the fuck?‘ expression. I’m physically drooling on the keyboard as I write this. I… I just don’t know what else to say. Any thoughts? Help? Please?