Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

My Kingdom for a Pepsi!

I like to think I’m a reasonable man.

I mean, sure, I’m not, actually, but I certainly like to think so. And in this case, I think I’m being more than fair.

See, I’m not complaining that when the soda machine here at the office runs out of Pepsi, no one fills it for a week or more.

And I’m not bitching about the fact that when I find out that the machine is empty, and press the ‘Money Return’ lever, my dollar and a quarter turns into five quarters, and I have to spend the rest of the day dealing with ‘jangly britches’, as the change tumbles to and fro in my pockets.

I won’t even get hot and bothered about the fact that the ‘Sold Out’ signs on the machine — assuming the damned things even exist — are burnt out, and that it’s impossible to determine what’s actually inside the machine without plugging it with money.

(Unless perhaps you have a buzz saw handy, which this machine is making me seriously consider as my next Home Depot purchase.)

Nor am I even going to rail about the fact that when the machine runs out of said quarters, because we poor, ignorant saps keep trying to get our daily doses of caffeine, the machine doesn’t return anything — not the single quarter, not the dollar, not one red damned cent whatsoever.

No, friends, I’m going to keep my mouth shut about all of that, which, as I said before, I like to think makes me quite reasonable.

But I’m going to draw the line, and call the machine a big flubber-humping, ass-diddling pork-jobber, because the damned thing is still out of friggin’ Pepsi, now nine days later, and if I want something to drink to keep me awake this afternoon, I’ve got three choices:

1) Freeze my rosy asscheeks off walking to the next building where I can buy a Pepsi from the convenience store guy

B) Break down and use my hard-earned buck and a quarter on a nasty Mountain Dew, and live with the taste of citrus-flavored battery acid in my mouth all day

iii) Go back to my office and guzzle the bottle of shit that’s used to clean whiteboards, hoping that it’ll give me a buzz and keep me awake, rather than dropping me into a foamy-mouthed coma on the spot

Shit. Given the negative-twenty degree wind chill outside, and the fact that I know how bad the Mountain Dew’s gonna be (no offense, DewNut — and hey, if I can’t stand the stuff, that’s just more for you), I’m leaning toward door number three. But maybe I’ll stick a toe outside and see how cold it really is out there. If the piggie doesn’t come back frostbitten and black, maybe I’ll bundle up and make a trek out to the convenience store. It’s either that or the cleaning fluid — neither of these are good options, folks. How the hell am I supposed to pretend to work under these conditions?!?

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “My Kingdom for a Pepsi!”

  1. shelley says:

    Here’s my issue: Even when the Pepsi machines here are filled to the brim, they never have the caffeine-free diet stuff in there. Is that asking so much? And who did Pepsi have to sleep with to get the contract for the whole damned campus anyway? I mean, I do like diet Pepsi better than diet Coke, so it’s not that. But if I DID want a diet Coke, should I really have to leave campus and go to the Store 24 up the street to satisfy my cola jones? And should I have to hide the bottle inside my coat like a criminal when I bring it back to my office? I don’t think so. I have enough illicit activity going on that I’d really rather not add Coke smuggling (of a sort) to my rap sheet. If you know what I mean.

  2. Jon says:

    Admitting you have a problem is the first step, Charlie. Consult a physician and leave the Pepsi!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved