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Ahhhhhhhhh… Oh Yeah, That’s Better!

Wow, that was hard!

I’ve been playing along with the new guest-posting game dreamed up by Al over at Shouting Into the Void. First, I submitted a post to Al, which he was kind enough to post, and leave as the ‘top story’ for more than a day, as per the rules. That was the easy part.

(Never mind that the post rambled on for-frickin’-ever, and not one damned person commented on it. This was the first guest post penned for this new meme, you know. We groundbreaking pioneers expect to be misunderstood, and even ignored, in our own lifetimes.

But just you wait — a couple decades after I die, that post is gonna be huge. Ginormous. They’ll probably make holomovies and neurobooks out of it. Seriously. Mark my frickin’ words, people.)

But the next part was hard. I had to pick a guest poster of my own from the multitudes handful three people who offered to give it a whirl. And all three had great ideas, so picking Brad out of the horde crowd smattering of would-be posters was no small feat.

In the end, though, Brad‘s offer to write about flushable folded wipes caught my attention, and so I posted his story. And again, that part was easy. I could take the afternoon off and actually do some real work! Result!

Then the evening rolled around, and I left work. And went home, exhausted and happy to be spending some ‘quality time’ with the wife. Fine. But this morning, we got up, and she left to run some errands. A perfect opportunity to post an entry! But gah! — it was only ten-thirty. I couldn’t post for another three-plus hours. I was honor-bound to give Brad‘s excellent post the full twenty-four hours it so richly deserves. Eek.

And so… I went postless. And it was tough, people! I mean, I’ve gone a full twenty-four hours without posting before — but never when I was able to post, and ready to post, and downright itching to post, but prohibited from posting. Oh, sure, I could have cheated, just a little — but really, that’s not fair to any of us. We all need rules to live by, and most of mine lately seem to involve this site you’re reading. I wasn’t about to bend the rules out of boredom.

However, now that it’s all over, I will show you just how bored and anxious to post that I was. Hopping around on other blogs, I found a cool new toy, and created a cockeyed Valentine’s heart, just for you. It’s made out of other hearts, and features a few of my favorite slogans.

(The short slogans, anyway. There’s not much room to write on those little peckery things, that’s for friggin’ sure.)

Check it out — you may have to stretch your browser out to see the heart shape, but really, that’s not particularly the point. I think the real issue is that I spent a couple of hours thinking up the slogans, downloading the pictures, and finding a way to arrange them into a heart shape.

So you see, dear reader — I was away for a while, but I’m always thinking of you. And now I’m back! ‘Cat poop’ hearts all ’round! Yay, us!

Oh, and one more thing — now that I’m back, I can remind you that Round Three of Blog Madness is under way!

This time around, I’m up against Today’s Shoes, and her heart-gripping post ‘Back Home‘. I’d like to encourage all of you to read ’em both, pick your fave, and then rock the vote! Remember, if you don’t vote, then you can’t complain when I’m elected President and declare Wednesdays ‘No, Really Hump Day, Seriously This Time‘.

(I mean, shit, folks — if we’re gonna keep calling it that, let’s get a federal ruling out there, slap on the damned baby oil, and get to it, fer chrissakes. Nobody likes a damned tease!)

(Oh, and in case anyone notices, don’t get your knickers in a twist if you go see the latest post at Today’s Shoes and see that she’s trying to coerce votes, and calling me ‘evil’, and all of that. I’m sure it’s all in good fun.

Course, if she wins this round, I’m gonna throw a Hefty bag full of hippo droppings on her front porch and light it on fire. ‘Fun’ is one thing, but I wouldn’t want to think she got herself an unfair advantage or anything. *sniff*)

Don’t Think I Wasn’t Serious, Dammit!

In my last post, after nobody appreciated my little joke (including me, once I finally got to the damned point), I threatened graciously offered to let someone else take the reins for the rest of the day, to see what he could do with you. Well, that lucky someone is our good friend Brad from over at Kinder’s Garden, and he’ll be guest-posting for you right here in just a moment.

First, though, you should go check Brad out. He’s got a fantastic, funny — and visually pleasing — site, and is well worth your precious clickies.

(Unless you have some sexually deviant connotation for the word ‘clickies‘ that I don’t know about. And even then, Brad may be well worth your, um… ‘clickies‘. But I can’t really say, personally. If that’s your little bag o’ fun, you’re on your own to find out. And good luck with that. Really.)

Anyway, give Kinder’s Garden a try; you’ll be glad you did. And it’s probably good to read something else Brad wrote before diving into his guest post. I think he dipped into the ‘bathroom humor’ solely in my honor. I’m not much on the highfalutin’ ‘tea and crumpets’ talk around here, so Brad probably wanted to write something that he knew I could understand, and relate to, and spew OJ on my monitor about.

So, um… thanks, Brad. I think. I’m really not sure. Here, you guys be the judges, and see what you think:

OK, Charlie has graciously allowed me to submit an entry to post on his very popular blog. I wanted to come up with something that I probably wouldn’t post on my own blog. I think I was able to come up with an entry in true “Charlie style”.

I will reveal something that I don’t think anyone except my family knows about me. It is a particular item that is almost REQUIRED for me in the bathroom. I am sure your minds are racing now. What could it be? OK, I can see where your dirty little minds are going. No, it is not Kleenex! Although, I do think Kleenex is considered a bathroom item (but we like to keep boxes throughout the house). OK, are you ready for this? Oh yeah, first a disclaimer may be in order.

The following could be considered as “Too Much Information!” If you find ‘T.M.I.’ statements as offensive, please do not read the following. This means you, if you could be offended and are continuing to read, you should’ve stopped reading by now.

I have found I need to have “wipes” in the bathroom. You know those flushable, folded wipes. Haven’t you seen these? I don’t even know if this is what we use. In fact, I think I started using that particular brand, but I think the refills are “baby wipes”. So if you need me to “paint you a picture” and tell you how I use these “wipes” I will (reluctantly) tell you. I like to use these in the bathroom when I “make the major transaction”. I don’t think anyone could be confused now.

I totally hate to “make the major transaction” if I can’t follow-up the toilet paper with some “wipes”. This means I am “not feeling my freshest” when I am at work, in a public restroom, and in a friend/family members bathroom. I don’t like to be without those things! You are probably saying, “You mean you don’t “travel” with them?” NO, that is just wrong! OK, It just hasn’t come to that yet. I feel bad enough about “needing them” at home.

OK, I guess if you are still reading I have not lost you yet. So, I will reveal my preference in toilet paper. Yes, the T.M.I. continues! At one time, I wasn’t picky about toilet paper. I didn’t really care about which brand I wiped my ass with (just as long it wasn’t a Sears catalog or tree leaves). Just as long it wasn’t like sand paper, it was fine with me. I have found I like Northern. Why do you ask? I have found it doesn’t leave any lint. Yes, I said IT DOESN’T LEAVE LINT ON MY ASS! The opposite of Northern, I have found is Charmin. If you like lint, Charmin is the brand to use. At my work, they use Charmin in all the bathrooms. Yes, in addition to not having my flushable, folded wipes, I have to use toilet paper that causes lint.

Wow, do I feel better that I “testified”! I tried to create a post in the same “theme” as Charlie would have (no offense intended, Charlie. I know you are trying to do better.)

Well, there you have it, folks. I never knew the bathroom could be so complicated. (Okay, that’s not true — I’ve actually had quite a few head-scratchers in there myself. I’m rather easily confused, you see.)

But I have to say that I’ve never thought as hard as Brad has about the state of my posterior. Kudos to you, sir! We, and all of our asses, can learn a valuable lesson from your experience. Why, I think I’ll go do a bit of ‘research’ myself, right now. If I’m not back in an hour, you’ll know they had Charmin in the stall. Cheerio!

(And thanks to Brad! Go see Kinder’s Garden, now playing in a browser near you!)

Now Why Didn’t I Think of That?

Don’t think I forgot. Don’t even imagine for a second that it slipped my mind. I may not have much going on up in the old nogging lately, but I would not forget my guest post hosting duties. Not something so important as that.

I’d like to thank the myriad of people (*cough cough* three *kaff cough*) who leapt at the chance to see their words here, in this very space. The response was nothing short of overwhelming; it makes me think, once again, of those famous words spoken by a truly gifted entertainer, many years ago:

‘Uh… is this thing on? Testing, testing. One two… is this on?‘

Oh, I kid. I appreciate everyone who wrote to offer a topic idea, and frankly, it was hard enough to choose one from just a few interested people. If there’d been any more, I’d still be sitting here wibbling over which one to pick. But in the end, I did make a choice. I won’t tell you who will soon be taking over the spotlight here, but I will reveal the topic, to whet your appetite for the upcoming yummy goodness.

(Did I just fricking say that? Damn. It must be late.)

Anyway, after all was said and done, I just couldn’t pass this topic by — there are simply too many compelling words leaping out and begging for attention. And here it is, one delicious word at a time:

Flushable.

Folded.

Wipes.

Folks, I don’t wanna get your hopes up or anything… but I really think this is gonna be good. ‘Flushable folded wipes‘ is the stuff Pulitzers are made from, people. So stay tuned for that — it ought to be a doozy.

And while we’re at it, a big round of blogplause to Al over at Shouting Into the Void, who thought up this whole idea.

(And who gave me the honor of penning the first guest post in the chain. And I didn’t even have ‘flushable, folded wipes‘ to work with! Think how much better this next one’s gonna be! Woo hoo!)