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Hey, I’m All Grumpy and Crabby Just Thinking About This

So, I was leaving a comment this morning on Julia‘s site, Tequila Mockingbird.

(All of you must know Julia by now. She’s fantabulous, and she’s up there on my ‘Giggly Blogs’ list. And she’s far more famous than I could ever hope to be. She has plagiarists, fer Chrissakes. I can’t even get a decent stalker around here.

Where are all the ‘Peeping Tammy’ types when you need ’em, eh?)

Anyway, lest you think I’m name-dropping simply for the sake of it, there is a point to all of this. I was leaving my comment on Julia‘s post from today, and I had to look up the word ‘menstruation‘.

(Yes, folks, it was that kind of comment. See this horrified look on my face? No? Well, it’s there, trust me. One day, I’ll get that webcam, and you’ll see. And then you can have the same horrified look — it’s all circles within circles, people. Circles within circles.

Anyway, I didn’t want to look like a total cluetard in my comment by grossly misspelling a word that I chose to use, so I looked it up. I do the same thing here when I want to use a big long word, too. Assuming that I haven’t made it up on the spot, of course, which frankly is usually the case. But I wasn’t giving Julia special treatment — I whip out the ol’ dictionary.com for you, too. You know I love you best.

But it really pisses me off when I look like a grammatical assbag on other people’s sites… as opposed to a logical assbag, which apparently, I can deal with quite handily. But just the other day, I noticed that I used ‘you’re’ when I meant ‘your’ in a comment on one of Natalie’s recent posts at PickleJuice, and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.

I briefly considered writing a second comment to say that I noticed it, and that it was just a typo, and that in fact, I know how to speak and write proper English, but had a momentary slip. But then it occurred to me that I couldn’t determine which was asshatteder — the original faux pas, or a gratuitous comment drawing attention to it. So I left it alone… but I haven’t been the same since. These are the sorts of things that keep me awake at night, people! Pity me. Pity me now!)

(Oh, and did you notice? To comment elsewhere, I look up ‘menstruation’. Here, I toss out ‘asshatteder’. See? I told you I love you best.)

Okay — moving back to the point of this whole exercise, which is rapidly diminishing in both importance and entertainment value. So, I looked up ‘menstruation’, and I realized that I’ve been spelling it incorrectly my entire life.

(Okay, so the, like, three times I’ve had to write the word down in the past thirty-three years. Whatever.)

Anyway, it dawned on me that it’s really not my fault. Seriously. I’ve always spelled it ‘menstration’ (knowing full well that it’s not the ‘menstral cycle’, but generally just waving my mental hands around to make myself believe that it’s one of those weird things that happen to some words when they get suffixes glommed onto them). But then I realized why — I’m a man. So, of course when I think of menstruation, the first thing I tell myself is:

‘Now there’s something u don’t want to be in the middle of.’

And so, I left it out. The ‘u’. See, ’cause it’s ‘menstruation’? Get it? It’s a ‘u’, and I’m a guy, and… oh, for the love of super-absorbent wings. I give up.

Screw this. I can’t please you people. I’m gonna get somebody else in here, and we’ll see whether he can do anything with you for the rest of the day. I’m taking a break, dammit.