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Zolton Does Amazon: Chase Away the Blues!

Zolton Does Amazon: Chase Away the Blues!

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Everyone’s going to feel a little blue now and then; it’s just part of life. Even the most upbeat and chipper among us will have their angsty emo moments. Mickey Mouse gorges on gouda and purges when nobody’s looking. Ronald McDonald pees in the Playland ball pits. Tigger’s been on Zoloft since 1994. No one is immune.

The key, they say, is to pull yourself out of the dark funk once you realize you’ve fallen in. What they don’t tell you is how. Not unless you pay them three bills an hour to lie on their couch and admit that every ink blot you see resembles your mother’s vagina. Or a Russell Brand Chia pet. Whichever is dirtier.

But why bother with professional help when amateur assistance is right here at your fingertips? I recently completed a study wherein I watched Old Yeller three times back-to-back, looped “Cat’s in the Cradle” at full blast, and carefully charted my retirement plan’s slow spiral down the old rusty crapper bowl. That worked me into a proper depressed lather.

Oh, poor Yeller! Your 401k probably blew goat balls, too!

Then I ordered the products below from Amazon — tears soaking the mousepad as I typed — to see which of them would sunshine my skies and rainbow up my heartstrings again.

(In retrospect, I probably should have splurged for the rush shipping on this one. That was a rough five-to-seven business days.)

So if you’re feeling sad, take a lesson from me — and the actual Amazon reviews of the products I tested. Find out how you can turn that frown upside down. Or at least ninety degrees. Sort of diagonal-ish, maybe — like a confused Peanuts character, or a ticklish stroke victim.

Hey, it still beats lying among the pee-covered Happy Meal balls or flipping through Freudian Rorschach nightmares. Read on, there, Eeyore. Chop chop.

Aura Cleanser

My Amazon Review:

I read once that the key to happiness is a balanced aura. I think it was on the back of a cereal box. Patchouli-Os, maybe, or the one with Hemp, Crackle and Pop.

Anyway, this product seemed like a quick and easy way to adjust the old chi, without any pesky yoga or meditating or tantric tie-dye sessions. But I wasn’t exactly sure how to apply it. First, I tried spraying it all over and rubbing it in, like some kind of cosmic Deep Woods Off. But I didn’t feel any better; just a little sticky.

I’m glowing with the light of a thousand Phish concert bong hits!

So I tried “spritzing” it, and walking through it like a perfume or cologne. But that didn’t help, either. Maybe my aura needed a heavier coating, or the ceiling fan just slapped the mist all around the room. Finally, I tried applying internally, like a hit of Binaca. It tasted like barefoot and out-of-work hacky sacks. I don’t know if that means it’s working, but I suddenly have the urge to grow a soul patch and burn incense. I guess you could call that … “progress”?

EXIR Saffron Stigma

My Amazon Review:

The product description says this is a mood and energy enhancer, and may be beneficial for anxiety, stress, digestive upset, male impotency and vitality, menstrual disorder, PMS, anti-spasmodic, cellular regeneration, apoptosis and vision loss, among others. I’ve got at least three of those things, and maybe all of them. I’m not sure what a few of them ARE, exactly, but I could still have them. Or want them. It’s not entirely clear which side of the fence saffron is on in some of those cases, frankly.

Anyway, I needed the mood enhancing, so I bought a jar and added a little to my next meal. I’m pleased to report that the taste of the saffron really “zings” up the taste of top ramen, more than any spice packet I’ve ever tried. So I guess it “enhanced my mood” in that way, at least. And I absolutely experienced no vision loss, spasms, PMS, male vitality or regenerating cells while I was eating or for hours afterward. So it delivers what it promises. Thumbs up!

Compassionate Counselor Wall Decal

My Amazon Review:

Sometimes, the most important thing about feeling down is having someone nearby to listen. Nobody in my life wants to hear my problems — not my boss, my dog, my mother, my wife or my pizza delivery guy — so I thought this lady could help. She seemed very attentive and interested, and even if it’s just a poster, it’s at least an image of a person I felt I could talk to. I bought the biggest size and hung it over my couch, just like in the images.

The problem is, this lady never pays attention to me. Every time I want to share something with her, she’s staring at this frizzy-haired girl in the blue shirt. I mean, seriously — hello! It’s been three weeks; the rest of us have problems, too, you know. Stop monopolizing the counselor with whatever Hello Kitty Rebecca Black little “problem” you think you have, and let the rest of us have a turn already. Gosh!

How to Good-bye Depression

My Amazon Review:

I was so happy to find this product, because I want to good-bye depression. I want to good-bye depression very many!

I was a little startled to find that the secret to good-bye depression is “constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday.” It seemed a little far-fetched and unorthodox, sure — but any more so than the “power of positive thinking” or “letting go and accepting what is”? Hardly.

And CONSTRICT one, and DENT two, and CONSTRICT three, and… uh. Can somebody spare a square over here?

The exercises take a bit of getting used to — and probably shouldn’t be practiced in public, or after any kind of starchy meal — but I have to say, they seem to help. When you can manage to do something so patently ridiculous and random every single day, it’s difficult to find anxiety or stress in basically anything else. The funk just sort of melts away.

So maybe an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But for depression and gloom, a hundred “suck-and-puckers” every morning seems to do the trick, too. To good-bye depression happy love man!

MANY SPHINCTER GOOD TIME ARE WE! MUCH FRUIT OF LOOM WEARING! JOYFUL ANUS PUCKER SONG!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Zolton Does Amazon: Taxed to the Max

Zolton Does Amazon: Taxed to the Max

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

If there’s one thing I hate more about mid-April than our local proctologist’s annual “Colonoscopy 2-for-1 Blow-In” special, it’s Tax Day. Every April 15th, I scramble through overstuffed shoeboxes and unmarked envelopes, desperately cobbling together pay stubs and paperwork and WTF-2 forms in a vain attempt to keep the tax man at bay.

Then Uncle Sam shoves his hands down my pockets and yanks out my disposable income by the short and curly roots. And what can I do about it? All I’ve got is a four-year-old tax return and three Burger King lunch receipts. I’m cooked. Somehow, being lazy and disorganized and awful with money and numbers and planning has turned around to bite me in the ass. Who’d have thunk it?

Well, not this Tax Day, friends. This year, I got smart and brought in a little tax planning help from my friends at Amazon. Read on for my tax-beating tips — and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed — and maybe you’ll make it through tax season without being bent over on all fours, too.

Sadly, these tips don’t work on the ambidextrous neighborhood proctologist. I won’t be sitting down straight until the 4th of July. I’m telling you, that guy is a menace.

SentrySafe 6000 File Cabinet

My Amazon Review:

First, I had to get organized. So I bought this heavy-duty cabinet to store all my paperwork. This baby is fireproof, tipproof, burglarproof, and kickproof. Snakes can’t get in. It can hold its breath in a flood longer than you can. It’s not ticklish, and you can’t tunnel underneath it like in that movie with the guy who was in the other thing. It’s pretty much the perfect document storage system.

Unless you happen to lose the key — which I did within thirty seconds of putting all my papers into it. That’s when I figured out it’s also biteproof, punchproof, stab resistant, doesn’t short out if you whiz on it, and won’t open even when a grown exhausted man cries like a little girl beside it.

Did I mention humpproof? Yeah. That, too.

They should really put that stuff in the description. My tax prep is toast, but it’s one strong hunka cabinet.

Tax for the Self-Employed

My Amazon Review:

As a semi-pro freelance striped rugby shirt model, my tax situation can be somewhat … tricky. This book seemed like a great resource for navigating the choppy waters of my personal finance seas.

On the good side, the tips I found here saved me nearly two hundred dollars in tax breaks and job-related allowances. On the bad? The paperback cost just under sixteen thousand dollars.

I’ma be sporting a LOT of striped shirts to get this number paid off. I may even have to “layer.”

TurboTax Deluxe – 1996

My Amazon Review:

Clearly, I need all the state-of-the-art tax help I can get. And this “TurboTax” gizmo seems to be popular with the revenuer dodgers and fancy suits these days, so I gave it a whirl. I just failed to notice that this version is from sixteen freaking years ago, and therefore not as much help in tax prep as, say, a rusty abacus and a bonk on the head.

Still, I tried to get something out of the investment. And miserably failed. The CD-ROM in this thing only works on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. I’m running a household here, not an antique electronics store! My computer wasn’t even born when those systems gave up the ghost. The closest I could get to 1996 technology was my old toaster, so I tried shoving the CDs in there to see if they’d play. But no. The thing just sparked and smoked and tripped the breaker in the kitchen. I guess the toaster was a Mac.

Mmmmmm … smells like refund!

Traditional Banker’s Lamp

My Amazon Review:

After several setbacks, it was clear I’d have to do my taxes myself. So I wanted to look the part of amateur accountant. This attractive and sturdy green-shade lamp made just the statement on my desk that I wanted — somber and responsible, meticulous and diligent, capable and smart. With this lamp illuminating my home office desk, I knew I’d find a way to slog through my finances.

That was before I turned it on — and saw how it turned everything behind the shade an eerie luminous green. Five minutes later, I was running pantsless with it into the living room to show my wife:

“HEY HONEY — MY JUNK LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN!”

So as usual, we’ll be applying for an “extension”.

On the TAXES. Don’t be a hater.

Incredible Hulk or Kermit the Frog? Only the lamp — and my tax preparer — knows for sure.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

You may be surprised to learn that, like most folks who aren’t Communists or Kardashians, Zolton has a day job. And you may be further shocked to discover that, despite my confident air of handsome invincibility, I’m actually not considered a “model employee.”

(I know, right? It’s like finding out Superman had those six-pack ab implants, or under all those robes, Lady Liberty is actually some shaved Armenian guy named Bebo. Brace yourselves.)

As a matter of fact, my boss is always on my case — and he keeps harping on the same sour note. Every time I turn around, he’s telling me to be “more professional.” More? I frankly didn’t see his point. I show up at the office, at least three days a week. I cry under my desk for the allotted eight hours, if you round up a little, and I even wear pants on some days that start with the letter “T.” What could be more professional than that? I had no idea.

So I consulted my old business buddy Amazon.com. And I managed — though it wasn’t easy! — to find even more ways to showcase my immaculate professionalism around the office. Read on for my actual Amazon product reviews of the latest and greatest ways to become — or at least vaguely resemble — the consummate professional. If this doesn’t make my boss happy, I don’t know what will.

J.I.P. Photo Print Bib, Tie

My Amazon Review:

They say to be a true professional, you need to look the part. I’ve never been much on neckties — all that neckular constriction reminds me of the throttlings of my youth. And my college days. Also, during my marriage.

But when I DO get dolled up in a tie — look out, ladies! Try not to melt in a puddle all at once, eh?

But this tie is different. It’s actually a bib. So I wear it proudly to the office every day, like the rest of the suited weasels around. It comes in especially handy on Spaghetti Day in the company cafeteria, or in a splattery juice box emergency. I’m a big boy now!

The Etiquette Advantage: Rules for the Business Professional

My Amazon Review:

I saw this book and thought, “Finally — someone took the ‘unwritten rules’ of business and wrote the stupid things down already. That’s the most useful thing ever.” But no.

Turns out this book, as per the description, “teaches corporate Christians how to behave commendably” — which doesn’t help me at all. I thought it would tell me how to kiss boss butt and how to power-carry a briefcase. I’m not interested in “doing business unto others” or praying for a raise. And who reads this book, anyway — how many nuns and bishops do you see at power lunches and corporate mergers? None, is how many. Where’s the “etiquette for unwashed heathens” section?

Wallmonkeys Wall Decal – “Serious Business”

My Amazon Review:

A little motivation never hurt. So I bought this poster of two guys doing “SERIOUS BUSINESS.” I thought it would help put me in a more professional mood.

But no. I’ve been staring at the thing for a week now, and all it’s done so far is give me an urge to listen to Tears for Fears. I don’t know what sort of “BUSINESS” these guys are engaged in, but I’m pretty sure it ends with a “shout, shout, let it all out.”

Try and tell me I’m wrong. It’s like all four of these guys were separated at birth.

On the other hand — nice ties. So they’re doing something right, I guess.

The Professional [Blu-ray]

My Amazon Review:

I finally decided the best way to BE professional was to LEARN from a professional. Or rather, THE Professional. So I bought this disc, hoping for some pointers on how to get along in the corporate world.

I learned three things. Never short a DEA agent if you’re asked to hold a stash. Never make fun of an Italian wearing John Lennon glasses. And never open a bank account with Danny Aiello.

I don’t know if that makes me more “professional,” exactly. But if I ever need my boss rubbed out, at least I know who to look for.

Speaking of “separated at birth,” check this out. Natalie Portman wouldn’t know which of us to pour milk for and make all squeamish.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!