Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

April 1, 2013

Zolton Does Amazon: Professional Development

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

You may be surprised to learn that, like most folks who aren’t Communists or Kardashians, Zolton has a day job. And you may be further shocked to discover that, despite my confident air of handsome invincibility, I’m actually not considered a “model employee.”

(I know, right? It’s like finding out Superman had those six-pack ab implants, or under all those robes, Lady Liberty is actually some shaved Armenian guy named Bebo. Brace yourselves.)

As a matter of fact, my boss is always on my case — and he keeps harping on the same sour note. Every time I turn around, he’s telling me to be “more professional.” More? I frankly didn’t see his point. I show up at the office, at least three days a week. I cry under my desk for the allotted eight hours, if you round up a little, and I even wear pants on some days that start with the letter “T.” What could be more professional than that? I had no idea.

So I consulted my old business buddy Amazon.com. And I managed — though it wasn’t easy! — to find even more ways to showcase my immaculate professionalism around the office. Read on for my actual Amazon product reviews of the latest and greatest ways to become — or at least vaguely resemble — the consummate professional. If this doesn’t make my boss happy, I don’t know what will.

J.I.P. Photo Print Bib, Tie

My Amazon Review:

They say to be a true professional, you need to look the part. I’ve never been much on neckties — all that neckular constriction reminds me of the throttlings of my youth. And my college days. Also, during my marriage.

But when I DO get dolled up in a tie — look out, ladies! Try not to melt in a puddle all at once, eh?

But this tie is different. It’s actually a bib. So I wear it proudly to the office every day, like the rest of the suited weasels around. It comes in especially handy on Spaghetti Day in the company cafeteria, or in a splattery juice box emergency. I’m a big boy now!

The Etiquette Advantage: Rules for the Business Professional

My Amazon Review:

I saw this book and thought, “Finally — someone took the ‘unwritten rules’ of business and wrote the stupid things down already. That’s the most useful thing ever.” But no.

Turns out this book, as per the description, “teaches corporate Christians how to behave commendably” — which doesn’t help me at all. I thought it would tell me how to kiss boss butt and how to power-carry a briefcase. I’m not interested in “doing business unto others” or praying for a raise. And who reads this book, anyway — how many nuns and bishops do you see at power lunches and corporate mergers? None, is how many. Where’s the “etiquette for unwashed heathens” section?

Wallmonkeys Wall Decal – “Serious Business”

My Amazon Review:

A little motivation never hurt. So I bought this poster of two guys doing “SERIOUS BUSINESS.” I thought it would help put me in a more professional mood.

But no. I’ve been staring at the thing for a week now, and all it’s done so far is give me an urge to listen to Tears for Fears. I don’t know what sort of “BUSINESS” these guys are engaged in, but I’m pretty sure it ends with a “shout, shout, let it all out.”

Try and tell me I’m wrong. It’s like all four of these guys were separated at birth.

On the other hand — nice ties. So they’re doing something right, I guess.

The Professional [Blu-ray]

My Amazon Review:

I finally decided the best way to BE professional was to LEARN from a professional. Or rather, THE Professional. So I bought this disc, hoping for some pointers on how to get along in the corporate world.

I learned three things. Never short a DEA agent if you’re asked to hold a stash. Never make fun of an Italian wearing John Lennon glasses. And never open a bank account with Danny Aiello.

I don’t know if that makes me more “professional,” exactly. But if I ever need my boss rubbed out, at least I know who to look for.

Speaking of “separated at birth,” check this out. Natalie Portman wouldn’t know which of us to pour milk for and make all squeamish.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!