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Zolton Does Amazon: You Say You Want a Resolution?

Zolton Does Amazon: You Say You Want a Resolution?

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

It’s the start of a new year — a time for beginnings, to refresh, to renew. Also, a time to decide you’re a fat disgusting lump of lard, then make a New Year’s resolution to do something about it.

Again. And this time, you mean it, by golly.

Alas, even Zolton is not immune to the siren song of rock-hard abs, buns of steel and sweating in the company of scores of scantily spandex-clad women. But until the bionic implants and web-order harems come through, I’m stuck with the resolution to get off my fat can and exercise.

But I want my fitness results like I want my bacon cheeseburgers — fast, cheap and with questionable scientific merit. Also, delivered directly to my La-Z-Boy and fed to me in delicious, bite-sized chunks.

But fret not, fellow flabbos. We don’t need expensive gym memberships or jumping jack machines or electrofangled glute stimulators to get our workouts on. You can have the body of your dreams right now, on the cheap, with just a little ingenuity — and some help from Amazon.

Here are the actual reviews I posted to Amazon for these unusual workout products. So ooze into your spandex and let’s work up a sweat, Zolton-style:

Placemats 4-Pack

My Amazon Review:

Yoga is all the rage for getting into shape these days, but the equipment they tell you to buy for it is ridiculous — yoga pants, yoga rugs, yoga straps, yoga Chia pets, stuffed Yoga the Bear dolls… crazy. You think Buddha or Bruce Lee or whoever started this thing had all of that stuff? No-maste way, Jose.

I signed up, and they told me I needed a special mat. I went one better and bought FOUR of these mats, which are durable, stain-resistant and perfectly good for the fourteen inches of mobility I have. If I can’t stretch over and actually touch the ground, why do I need a mat way over there? Waste of material, I say.

“Downward dog? Dude, I can barely fit an Oscar-Meyer on this thing. Move it along, sensei.”

And as a bonus, these mats do double duty when the workout’s over. I have a great spot to set out my post-session yoga tea, yoga granola and yoga meat-lover’s deep dish pizza. Because inner peace should always come with double pepperoni.

Bar Shaker Set

My Amazon Review:

I’ve seen the commercials for that Shake Weight gizmo on TV recently. It’s a good workout, I guess, but it seems overly complicated. This bar shaker, on the other hand, is the perfect alternative. It’s easy to grip, adjustable to many weights based on what you put inside, and it’s designed to be shaken. Plus, it’s cheaper and doesn’t make you feel like you’re in Richard Simmons’ wet daydream.

Best of all, you can fill it with liquid and ease down your workout by taking a sip every now and then. Water works pretty well, or fruit juice, if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m more of a margarita guy myself, which makes the workouts VERY enjoyable — until the end, when I tend to fall over or knock myself in the forehead with the shaker. That’s called “feeling the burn,” right?

Who had a good workout today? That’s right — you did, rummy. YOU did!

Hare Krishna Cookbook

My Amazon Review:

Part of being healthy is eating healthy, so I looked for a recipe book from a group known for being fit and energetic. And in this market, that’s easier said than done. From portly Paula Deen to Mario “Butterbuns” Batali, who can a guy trust to deliver grub more healthy than heart-attacky?

So I took a shot in the dark. I’ve never seen a fat Hare Krishna. And all that dancing around and chanting seems to keep them in pretty good cardio shape. They’ve got to be eating *something* right.

Overall, the meals in this cookbook are delicious and easy to prepare, though I did make a few substitutions. For instance, when a recipe called for “give away all your possessions, shave your head, and hand out flowers at the airport,” I used a half cup of lentils instead. It was just as yummy!

Scissor Tongs

My Amazon Review:

A lot of people worried about body fat content buy fancy calipers to pinch and measure themselves with. Nonsense. This set of sturdy no-slip tongs works just as well, for a fraction of the cost.

Of course, after a couple of days of workouts, I found that the tongs have other uses, too. You can use them to grab brownies while they’re still warm and gooey without getting your hands dirty, or to dip into a bag of potato chips grease-free. I like to dip them in melted butter and use them for popcorn.

You feel that burn? That’s sea salt and vinegar, baby. Mmmmmmmm.

So that resolution is pretty much down the toilet. But this is the TASTIEST new year in recent memory. Pass the Cracker Jacks, please.

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!

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