Zolton Does Amazon: Easter Fun-Day

April 1, 2013

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Easter is one of the most solemn and holy days on the calendar. It’s a day when families come together to dress up in pastel leisure suits, clock in at church for the year, and spend the weekend celebrating that time when the Romans nailed a chocolate bunny to a crucifix, and it came back three days later as a bag of marshmallow peeps.

Or something. I sort of skimmed that part in Sunday School.

Whatever it’s about, Easter is still a fine excuse to celebrate a spring weekend, and bring joy and happiness and high-fructose corn syrup to all the neighborhood children. Also, I think you’re supposed to give them money for loose teeth. Maybe that’s another thing. I forget.

The point is, Easter’s right around the corner. So I hit up Amazon for a big old basketful of festive Easterly supplies. Hop on through for my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed. Bunny bless us, every one!

Easter Bunny Economy Adult Costume

My Amazon Review:

If you’re going to hand out candy and unfertilized poultry ova to young children, you have to look the part. The neighbors don’t take kindly to just anyone engaging in that sort of behavior. At the same time, I don’t have a lot of money to blow on a costume I can only wear once a year.

Maybe twice. More if I could find a chick into old Jimmy Stewart flicks. Or other … things.

“Why yes, those ARE Peeps in my pants. AND I’m happy to see you!”

Anyway, this costume is great. Stylish polyester, a full-on jumpsuit and big rabbit head — on sale for under a hundred bucks! That leaves me plenty of money left over to buy candy and stuff … or maybe a personal ad on one of “those” websites? Have bunny suit, will travel. Ladies?

Decorate Your Own Wood Easter Eggs

My Amazon Review:

This is a once-in-a-lifetime product. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found it!

For years and years, I dyed chicken eggs at Easter like a sucker. All that hard-boiling and egg soaking and mess making … but now it’s a thing of the past. Finally, with this product, I can decorate my own wood.

I’ve always wanted to decorate my own wood for the holiday. I painted my own wood in festive pinks and blues and greens, and merrily strolled around my neighborhood, showing off my own wood. Let me tell you — my own wood was the talk of the town around here this Easter!

The best part is, everyone chipped in to help me decorate my own wood. Grandma, Uncle Evan, and all of the kids had a hand in making my own wood look its Easter Sunday best. Would highly recommend!!

Don’t worry, ladies — I still have plenty of “natural” wood. Right. HERE.

Better Than Chocolate

My Amazon Review:

Apparently, we’re not supposed to give kids lots of chocolate any more. Maybe it’s an obesity thing; maybe we’re just being cruel. Either way, chocolate was off the menu this Easter. So I had to ask myself: what can I pass out to the neighborhood children that’s not only a replacement for chocolate, but BETTER than chocolate?

Hershey’s kisses or slobbery softcore lesbian porn? What would bunny chocolate Jeebus do?

According to Amazon, this movie right here! So I bought three dozen copies, put on my best Easter bunny suit, and handed them out. Easter is for everyone, ages eight to eighty, so that’s who got a DVD from me this year. Now we can share our “Easter spirit” all year long! YOU’RE WELCOME!

Fresh Whole Rabbit

My Amazon Review:

Anyone can hide plastic eggs; I thought the kids in my neighborhood deserved a REAL Easter experience. They should have an ACTUAL bunny rabbit, giving out candy and treats — just like in the Easter cartoons.

So I bought this rabbit, thinking that “fresh” and “whole” were great qualities for an Easter bunny. Sadly, I didn’t think about “alive” or “unskinned,” of which this thing is neither. So my idea of training it to hand out candy sort of went out the window.

No matter. I stuffed the carcass full of Peeps and Reese’s Pieces, and strung it up by the legs in a tree in the yard. The kids took turns whacking at it with barbecue tongs until it all came tumbling out, like some sort of hairless Easter party pinata.

I’ve never seen kids cry so much while they’re picking up candy. Somebody ought to teach these children the TRUE meaning of Easter.

Which is — did I mention? — SLOBBERY SOFTCORE LESBIAN PORN! Thank you, Easter bunny!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as “helpful” so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!