Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

A Not-So-Very-Super Bowl

So, I decided, during — and almost after — the fact, that I’m pretty much taking the weekend off from writing. I’ve had too little time, I had to work for much of the day today, and there’s just too much needed R&R to do for the rest of the weekend.

However, because I do so hate to leave you wanting — assuming anyone would actually ‘want‘ any of this nonsense — I have a teensy little issue to report. Hopefully, this’ll tide you over until tomorrow… or maybe Monday. I’m not quite sure yet.

Anyway, here’s the thing — as some of you may know, we’re having some work done on our bathrooms (or, more accurately, our ‘bath and a half’ spread across two rooms of the house). And the work, after weeks and weeks and weeks, is finally almost done.

(Not ‘done, mind you. Just ‘almost done’. So there are still strangers in our home at odd hours of the day and night. And we can’t even sic the dog on their crotches, or the final painting won’t get done — it’s all terribly frustrating.)

But the point is, we’re nearly finished with the whole project. And most of the pieces are in place — the toilets work, the sinks are both in place, one of the two mirrors is up, blah, blah, blah. Here’s the thing — and let me assure you, I’ve only found this from personal… intimate experience:

The seat on the new toilet downstairs is… well, unstable.

This is a very, very bad thing.

Now, for you ladies in da house, I’ll explain what I mean by ‘unstable’ — what happens is, for us stander-uppers, we have to raise both the toilet lid and the toilet seat before ‘firing away’. Under normal circumstances, this is no real problem — we raise ’em both, and they both stay raised.

But that is not, unfortunately, how things are happening in the washroom here at Chez Charlie. No. Right now, I can raise the toilet parts, and then I have… oh, I dunno, ten, maybe fifteen seconds, before the seat comes creeeeeeeeaking away from the lid and crashing back toward horizontal. This is not — I repeat, not — a Good Thing™.

Again, for the women-type folks who may be unfamiliar with this particular situation, let’s just say that it’s never good to be in the actual act of urination, and then having something careening rapidly towards both your whizzer and the receptacle into which you’re whizzing. And that’s how it is when the toilet seat begins to fall — there’s a process involved in this endeavor, dammit, and a moving toilet seat is simply not part of the procedure.

For one thing, you only have one hand free — at maximum, mind you, and none at minimum, depending on where you’re at in the process, or what you’re also holding at the time, or whether your name is Peter North. In any event, the very last thing you want to be doing at that moment is flailing and lunging, trying to keep the toilet seat up. So, needless to say, I’m not terribly happy just now.

And it’s not as though there’s much we can do about it, either. We don’t have a big, fuzzy seat cover that’s causing the problem. And we can’t tilt the toilet bowl, or the bathroom floor, backwards a few degrees, either. So, it’s either sit for a tinkle, or play the game of ‘catch the porcelain ring before it knocks you in the winkie’. Neither option is good, clearly.

I suppose in the end, I’ll probably just wash my hands of the whole damned mess and make sure to always use the loo upstairs. Or out back on the lawn, whichever happens to be closer at the time. At least out in the yard, all I have to worry about are mosquitoes. And… um, yeah, come to think of it, that sounds pretty fricking unpleasant, too. I’ll stick with the ‘upstairs option’, I think. There are simply some places where calamine lotion was never meant to go.

Anyway, that’s my dilemma. Maybe these guys just aren’t done, and the toilet will be fully functional when they’re finished. But I’m guessing that this ‘leaning tower of pee-pee’ is what I’m stuck with, and I simply don’t have the reflexes — or the dead-eye aim — to make it work. Looks like it’s gonna be a long, wet summer folks. Better put on those ponchos. Damn.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “A Not-So-Very-Super Bowl”

  1. wlfldy says:

    Maybe you could place some strategic weights on the ring. Or double-sided tape. I’m a huge proponent of tape. Most women are. Or tell the construction crew the new seat just won’t do. I mean, you’re paying for it, you’re going to be using it for the rest of your house-life. If they are male, I’m sure they would be most sympathetic to your plight. The problem with the ladder of course being they may need a slight demonstration. ew.

  2. Monkey says:

    Magnets. eeh?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved