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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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I Think My Principles Just Shrivelled Up Inside Me

Every once in a while, my principles come back to bite me in the ass.

Which is really damned annoying, of course, because I don’t have many principles to begin with. You’d think, with just one or two of the things lying around, they’d learn to stay out of the frigging way and be good. Hell, if I were them, and I’d seen so many of my kind yanked out and thrown away, I think I’d be just a tad nervous. Certainly, I’d try to keep my nose clean, my pants zipped, and not cause any undue hubbub.

Sadly, my few remaining principles don’t seem to share my caution. The bastards.

The latest of my personal policies to get all up in my business is this one: Many years ago, I decreed that once I start wearing shorts for the summer, then I’m not going to stop wearing shorts until the fall. See? It’s a principle. Seriously.

Of course, this little nugget didn’t come to me in Boston. No. When I came up with my principle — also known as the ‘Summer Shorts Manifesto’ — I was living in warmer climes. So all I had to do was wait until… oh, I don’t know, let’s say ‘late May’, to start wearing shorts, and then I’d be good to go until September or so, naked knees and all.

But Boston doesn’t work that way, folks. Boston weather is unpredictable, frequently messy, and often violent. Like a drunken longshoreman, maybe, or the after-effects of a bean burrito slathered with atomic sauce.

(Only cloudier. Or not, depending on the state of your digestive tract. Or possibly your ‘longshore’, assuming those are actually two different things. That’s never been made clear to me.)

Anyway, moving here to the near-Arctic hasn’t caused me to give up this little principle of mine. A lesser man might have punted, and decided that the temperature outside should dictate whether his thighs should be covered. Yes, a weaker man might’ve gone that route. As would a wiser man, probably. Not to mention a smarter man, a richer man, a younger man, a few hairier men, and that guy down the block with the lazy eye. And, more to the point, of course, a warmer man.

Come to think of it, just about any man — or woman — would probably have come to the conclusion that sub-fifty degree weather calls for long-style pantaloons. But not me. I’ve got principles.

(Hey, I never said I had good principles. They may not be the best, or the most important, or make any damned sense, but they’re the only ones I have. The only ones I can remember, anyway. That’ll have to do.)

In any event, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m not budging. I pulled my short pants out of the drawer a couple of weeks ago when the mercury bubbled into the eighties, and dammit, I’m not putting them away until football season. Sure, I’ll bend a little — I’ll wear long-sleeved shirts, if I have to. I’ll wear wool socks with my shoes. And lord knows, I’ll slap on a hat, to keep that top-of-the-noggin heat in. But slip into a pair of jeans, in May, or June, or even August? No. Not gonna happen.

So, there you go. One of the few times that I buckle down and stick to my guns, and what does it get me? Chilly knees and a lot of funny looks from people in scarves and jackets. I don’t know how the hell people do this crap. Who can afford to have principles these days?

Now somebody get me a shawl, dammit. I think my ankles are frozen. Bah.

Permalink  |  7 Comments

7 Responses to “I Think My Principles Just Shrivelled Up Inside Me”

  1. Monkey says:

    Charlie, you’re retarded.

    (Does it count if you put your jeans on OVER your shorts?)

  2. Jeff A says:

    Well at least the boys will be warm, unless your wearing daisy dukes, tell me you aren’t wearing short shorts!

  3. QC says:

    Mmmm…wool socks with shorts. Sexy!

  4. Croila says:

    HA! You should try living in Edinburgh. You would’t be so gung-ho about wearing shorts then. There are probably only about three days a year that you see blokes wearing shorts here, the weather’s that shite!

  5. Dawn says:

    Did you say Boston was “near-Arctic”!? Try living in Atlantic Canada; where our four seasons consist of winter, 2nd winter, construction, and fall.

    I just have a few words for you – until you’ve had to endure snow in July – stop your whining! (In the nicest way, of course… ;)

  6. No Refunds says:

    LOL. I stumbled onto your site and you are describing my wife! She also has this “shorts” rule/principle except she has taken it one step further. She refuses to put on pants until it snows! So she has been known to be wearing shorts into December. Oh, by the way, we live in Canada. October and November can get really cold without snowing up here.

  7. Lisa says:

    How long HAVE you been living in Boston? I lived there for many years and learned to roll with the weather punches. Leather jacket one day, tank top the next. Ah … New England.

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